So tired of crumbs of affection. That's what I call it when my H can't even expend the littlest, laziest effort to meet my *absolutely normal* needs. If he does give me what I want, it's only JUST enough to keep me from completely giving up on him. Or it's late, half-assed, incomplete, or done in such a way to make sure I know he's not really trying his best. WTF?

Not just talking about sex, even something as simple as NOT even texting me goodbye before I left for a month on another continent. Ok, I know we are separated, but we've been in almost daily contact about the apt and our taxes----you know, the ones he didn't get around to doing for 4 years without telling me? So before I got on the plane, I told him it hurt my feelings he didn't even bother to text me goodbye.

First he pretended he was going to but he was just late (LATE is right: I was already about to board), then he said he "thought we were on a break and he didn't need to provide that kind of emotional support." How is typing the words "bon voyage" into your phone some kind of insane thing to expect from a guy who 1. says he still loves me 2. admits his issues ruined our marriage and 3. says he hopes we can still get back together?? You'd think he'd maybe try a LITTLE to show it's not all talk. Or all lies. Apparently, it's both.

I told him to keep his damned crumbs and to have a nice life. **** THAT.

I'd rather die of starvation at this point then be kept alive on crumbs with the promise of a feast that never EVER arrives. And never will, clearly.

But most of all, I want to be with someone who doesn't try to control me via affection, or sees my needs as crazy demands.

I WANT A FEAST OF LOVE. Daily. Jointly. Where both people are nourished and full. No more of this crumb crap! Good thing I just arrived in Spain, where the food is tasty and the men delicious. One month traveling around Europe alone...It's time to CHOW DOWN. :D

nyartgal nyartgal
36-40, F
17 Responses Sep 13, 2012

It sounds like you just got the message from that very cute chef that you can still pull em!! LOL!! Take the chance and run with it! Even if nothing comes of it, you will have a great time, and meet some new people. That's what you need right now!

Done and done. Though not with the chef, with an Italian in Rome and London. yeehaw!!

There you go, girl! Get yourself some!!

The crumb fest is just a control strategy. He has known from past experience that it makes you antsy. And when it finally comes, whatever it is he can offer, you can take it gratefully. Right? You're so courageous to have moved on. I have been debating it painfully for 6 years now, and if it wasn't for my child who worships him, I'd be gone like the roadrunner.

Exactly. He puts out fewer and sadder crumbs each time too, hoping I'll bite. **** THAT.

You can move on too---I worshiped my Dad too and we are still super close---and he left when I was 4 and a half. One thing has nothing to do with another. Give the two of them some credit that they would OF COURSE still love each other regardless of the living situation. Anyway, kids are so much smarter than us. They figure everything out, or someone will tell them even if you don't. The best thing IMHO any parent can do is be happy---that is the role model children need.

Why don't you just divorce him? I'm not being judgmental or anything by saying that, I'm just wondering...he sounds like a real jerkoff and you deserve better.

the word is inconsiderate, another is selfish. A marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word, not obligations to meet someones "needs". you text someone because you cant stop thinking about them and want to share that enthusiasm. I never will understand a half assed attempt at being a partner~ I have had better partners online with women I have only known for months and days than from my 22 year marriage....

Ok, you guys are going to love this. JUST when I was feeling incredibly low, like so undesirable, I got hit on by a very cute local chef who was at the same tapas bar as me before he had to go off to a friend's wedding. Gave me his info. I was subsequently informed by a local colleague that Basque men are totally inhibited and that it's incredible I've only been here a couple days and I've already been hit on, never happeyns, etc etc. So...I should get in touch with him, right??? Omg, I'm so rusty!!

Hahaha I should travel with my own supply of Viagra! Yeah, what do I have to lose. I mean, I may be rusty but I'm not dead yet (apparently). Jeez, I can't believe I am acting so bashful at my age. Quite the opposite in reality...

after a public offering, your stock is soaring~ a possible dividend split may do you good~ good for you NYSG~

My mood is also soaring---imagine what some actual SEX might do...

Tell us about Spain.

If you are separated, why should you care? Aren't trial separations always a rehearsal for the real thing?

A feast of love.. Have no idea what that would look like.. Have lived a starvation diet a long time..

What would it look like to you?

Laughter, teasing, fun filled eyes, soft gentle kisses, slow dances, rapt attention, passion, words of love, an engaged man who is present. Caring for me and calling me on my bs..

I had all of this, at least originally. Now I have...pretty much none of it. So sad. Could, would, shoulda. He really screwed it up!

Sounds like mine with the crumbs, i think mine is gay.

Mine is not gay, just emotionally constipated and angry. Gay would make it easier!

How would it make it easier? Im still left with no physical affection, none, zero, zip.

Because then you know it's DEFINITELY not you!

I think that there is a strong possibility that this dude is just too "smart" for you, and, if you maintain any sort of level of contact with him, he is a very good chance of reeling you in again. He appears to be "took good at the game" for you.<br />
<br />
This is not a reflection of your intelligence or character or anything of the sort. He is simply a way better manipulater / liar / history re-writer than you. And to engage him on his turf is only ever going to see you conclusively defeated.<br />
<br />
Under such circumstances your only recourse is to completely remove yourself from said game. <br />
<br />
These bullshit "daily contacts" need to cease, a.s.a.p. Followed up by a complete cessation of contact.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I am two years out of my sexless marriage, and in an interesting twist of fate, my ex made a brief re-appearance in my life. With said re-appearance, I reverted right back into people-pleasing doormat; something I have worked very hard at eradicating from my life.

Ergo, your comment today helped snap me back into reality. I owe you one Baz.

Just goes to show that even though the sexless marriage is gone, it takes a long time to deal with the aftermath. But, the journey is well worth it!

Like a lot!!

Agreed---he is a great manipulator, and I'm a terrible one. It just took me so long to understand what was happening, I'm still in shock that he can twist me like this. Like a lot of manipulators, he has some wonderful qualities, but just like the rest, he uses them to mask the bad ones, to keep me off the scent. I'm so tired of people who are just FULL OF $HIT. I have a trusting, generous, loyal heart, and he took advantage of that.

PS: daily contact was only because I had to organize 3 years of taxes in about 5 days before I left for the month. DONE.

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It's not crumbs. It's passive aggressive. He wants you to feel like you aren't having your needs met so you try to re-engage him and then he feels important. Classic PA.<br />
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Enjoy Europe. Ignore the PA jerk.

Wow, this helps me too. Good advice.

Yep. It's a power play. He is testing to see how little I will accept, always lowering the bar. Well, this game of limbo is over. I'm not going to beg.

Don't do anybody I wouldn't do... (admittedly, that may be setting the bar low...)

I literally have NEVER brought a guy home from a bar, and just as terrified at age (almost) 38 as I ever was. But maybe I will work up the nerve...

I have hooked up. It was cheap, meaningless, empty...smokin' hot sex...*Shrug* Just trust your gut; if you get creepy vibes, be ready to parachute.

The smokin hot part sounds wildly appealing...I have no problem with the casual part, just an irrational fear of being chopped up and kept in someone's freezer. Probably most guys are not rapists/murderers, they just want to get laid...

Oh yeah. Settling for crumbs. Reminds me of dating H, doing all the work, and assuming this was normal. Then we broke up for 6 months. One day, he calls me up, wanting to reconnect. So we make a date. I'm sitting at work, waiting for him to pick me up, and guess what? He's late. So, what do I do? I wait.<br />
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Talk about setting the bar reaaal low.<br />
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Crumbs are crap for the soul.<br />
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Enjoy Europe!

Yep. Can't tell you how many times he was late to meet me for a big "date," after which he was always too tired to have sex. Thanks!

I'm curious abt the tax thing. What's that all about?

He said he was working on the taxes all this time---they were complicated because the first two years were when his business went under. But he told me it was in process for forever. Meanwhile, I'm getting letters from the IRS that MY taxes haven't been paid. Not ours, mine. Long story short, he just hasn't been working on them so the IRS assessed taxes without deducting anything because nothing had been filed. Spoke with our accountant about 15 times last week, got all the necessary paperwork to him, etc. He was like, "wow, I should have been dealing with you all along." Uh, YEAH. My H did the taxes just fine before this---but I think the emotional trauma of his business failing and his subsequent clinical depression (which may never have actually ended) has him completely stuck in time. He's been emotionally paralyzed ever since.

Lucky you. I see you've come to your senses.


Sounds like you need to escape the "law of reputation" say, for about a month on another continent :)<br />
<br />
Hugs to you - we likely all feel your pain and anger. Speaking for myself, it is energy. You know what you want to say, to do, but you have lost energy, or confidence and then don't do what you likely would have some other day or month or whatever.<br />
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I think it is very often true that our spouses feel exactly the same we do - unloved (on our terms), undervalued, unappreciated. We just can't see how that is true - and then we don't care. We hurt to much to care. Sad.

Sorry I've just been venting on here like crazy lately---it's really helping me feel less insane, though I bet it's completely annoying to everyone else.

Not at all... we all do this... it's good to see others going through the same things, we're all "alone together"

Thanks! It is so helpful to have EP and all of the wise comrades on here. :)


September 13, 2012
Although the day is likely to find you in a generally positive frame of mind, dear Sagittarius, you may be questioning whether you're being told the truth, and this can be something that eats at you and wears you down if you let it. You can experience a temporary loss of faith in someone close to you, but before letting this mess with your mind, consider that it may be more about fear and insecurity than about the reality of the situation. Be certain to vary your routine today, as the ability to be spontaneous is vital to a sense of emotional satisfaction right now.


not at all! not annoying. everyone who shares here help me rebuild myself one bit at a time!

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