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I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Time Travel

By: NWFLMan
Written on September 13th, 2012
Fresh off a post on error functions I have decided to investigate whether the answer for many of us is time travel.

I am dialing back to when I was happy. When the intimacy was there, the sex was good enough. Where I felt whole in body and mind and was in love. When we met but beyond the first rush and newness parts.
 
I am not that person now. I am not the person she fell in love with.
Nor is she the same. Yet, so much to admire, so much to love.
 
There were glimmers of sexuality in her then. Can we recapture them? Can we build from that point in the past rather than the point we find ourselves in now?
 
One answer is “Yes – with work on both sides you can go back. But and then you will just repave the same road.” That is not a path I care to tread.
 
Still stripping back time – the faults, the slights, the wounds, the admonitions – has merit I think. Back to a point of excitement and promise for our future – this is the pile of truth I look for in my mind today.
By: NWFLMan
Age: 51-55 , Male
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    ulae
    ulae

    You could time travel all you want in fiction. In reality, entropy is a one-way arrow. Heck, you wouldn't even remember your pathetic sex life if not for a steady increase in entropy...

    Sep 14, 2012
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      NWFLMan
      NWFLMan

      Thank you for the past two days. I think whilst it is true our training can provide certain clarity or comforts for our brains - the road to happiness is much more scary for us.

      The world, in the living, it seems to me is more the intangibles of art encapsulated in the arbitrary randomness of the time frames that our lives represent. To live we must let go and embrace that which we will likely never understand or agree. The comforts the physics provides is settling, provides for reflection, in the dawn and dusk - but not so much in the night or day.

      Sep 14, 2012
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      bazzar
      bazzar

      Vonneguts novel SlaughterHouse 5 has a pretty good handle on this looking back / forward caper, via the adventures of one Billy Pilgrim. It's woth a read.

      Sep 14, 2012
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    LaoTzu
    LaoTzu

    Just my two cents. It seems that you readily assume responsibility for her perception of sexual intimacy with you as a duty or a chore. Your 'child-mindedness' and 'childish' behavior turns her off sex with you. Is this really what you believe?



    My suggestion is that the premise is far simpler - your spouse does not place the same connective and intimate value on sex as you do. Sexual intimacy is not a reward or punishment proposition. It is not a barter of behavior for connection, unless one person values that connection more or less than the other. Then it is about power. There are other ways to settle disagreements or issues than withholding pair bonding.



    In short, I am suggesting she does not love you the way you want to be loved and perhaps your attempts to connect sexually with her create friction because that is not the way she wants to be loved by you. Just some rambling thoughts.

    Sep 14, 2012
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      NWFLMan
      NWFLMan

      Yes, sadly yes - and worse it is not a choice - This "truth" looks like: She simply does not have what for us is an endorphin pump based on sexual interactions. My brain wants and is rewarded but certian things-- hers is simply not.

      The childish stuff in my thinking is a layer we put over the awfulness of the SM -- counter refusing is childish and certainly all the biting and fussing as you decouple from your spouse is behavior viewed from afar that is childish- these are my words - a syntax thing and not a judgement - it just "is." But we can all agree that in the sum of our journey within the SM we lash out, and do pretty ridiculous things to our partners and ourselves because we are in emotional pain. We scream in some of our actions "WAKE UP" - and they see a crazy person and withdraw further.

      I hear you - I have various piles of "truth" that I go sit on - and your view is the basis of one of them. These various piles likely make my posts confusing as I will sit on one and think and ask or write a story in here.

      A good plan gets you down the first few steps of a new direction in the path you tread - to coin a phrase. These events are big forks in the path so in a way it has a beginning and it begins from the pile of truth you most believe in.

      So I have my shovel and I move hunks of my truth around to build this pile. No pile no plan. I am committed to a plan- I think that has been good advice. The up side is I can move stuff around as a delaying tactic to actually doing anything. :)

      SO, Jumping off the pile and following a real definitive plan by 31 January 2013. Thanks all.

      Sep 14, 2012
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    bazzar
    bazzar

    It ain't all that hard to think back to a better time. It was a known tangible memory.

    It can be quite challenging to think forward to a better time. It is an unknown intangible.

    Both are about as useful as one another when you are emeshed in a "worst time". Not very useful at all in and of themselves.

    Yet, both the rear and the forward view can act as catalysts to launch you out of the current "worst time".

    But a launch requires a plan. A plan requires some hard nosed pragmatic and realistic thinking. And anything that distracts you from that (like looking back too much, or looking forward too much) ain't all that helpful longer term.

    Tread your own path.

    Sep 13, 2012
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    enna30
    enna30

    The general concensus on this board is that you cannot revive or renew the "old" relationship. IF you are to move forward together, you need to forge a new and different one - albeit one that has elements of the original connection.



    Are you up for that? And perhaps more importantly, is she? Your posts lead me to believe that you are wanting something from her that she is simply UNABLE to give. Not something she is choosing to withold, or that she is punishing you by not taking part, but simply that she has NO CLUE as to what it is you want.



    You can pursue the "why" this is so, but it is unlikely to provide you with an answer you can usefully use to resolve the situation. I think you will soon arrive at the point that most of us eventually reach (despite our desperate resistance to do so!) - the point where you realise you simply can NOT have what you want and need with your spouse.



    Then the awful choice is the only one left. Stay and endure more of the same? Or leave? Neither option is what you want - nor is it what any of us want/ wanted. We ALL want the option that results in "happily ever after" - but I don't think it is going to happen for you. Sadly I think you are of the 95% of people on this board where that option is simply not ever going to be one of your choices. {{{Hugs}}}

    Sep 13, 2012
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      NWFLMan
      NWFLMan

      Thanks for this - I will think through it.

      Sep 13, 2012
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