Sexless Marriage Started On Wedding Night

It was the social event of the season, 300 guests, two young adults seemingly deep in love... an appearance of the 'fairy tale.' That was my wedding 20 years ago. Unfortunately, it was all appearance. In fact, this is pretty much what I heard the moment we went to bed that night... "don't want to do anything, let's just enjoy the atmosphere."

I put up with it... but too much atmosphere has left me embittered and frustrated (not to mention extremely sexually deprived). It seemed that the only time she wanted sex was when she was ragingly fertile. Perhaps we do it 6 times a year... and 3 children in those 20 years. I was all for it when she was willing, with the 3rd child it occurred to me that they were all for appearance too. Look at the 'happy little family'.

So I have made it a completely sexless marriage. She is more a sister than a spouse. More looking for disney-esque mirages than true love and marriage. I will bear it out... but it ain't good.
Ucum1st Ucum1st
41-45, M
4 Responses Sep 13, 2012

Good luck! I had the same problem with my first marriage of 11 years. Talking didn't work. Therapy didn't work. So we ended it. Fast forward five years, I met and married what I thought was the biggest **** (kinda kidding, but you get my point) of my life. Guess what, it happened again! Again, talking didn't work and therapy didn't work. Divorce number two, here I come!! Now I'm with #3 (no I'm not dumb enough to get married a third time)... just live-in boyfriend/girlfriend. Probably the most sexually advanced one yet!! Yay me, right? Guess what? It happened third time!! It's not like I'm a lazy bum. I cook, I clean, I shuttle the kids, I take out the garbage and do all the yard work. I have a good job and make good money. I'm generous to a fault! It's that last trait, that I think that is my problem!!

Similarly generous to a fault... typical "nice guy". Maybe that is the problem???? Women don't find us 'liberated men' sexy?!!!???

Welcome to the group that noone wants to be a part of.

When I was going through the hell of a sexless marriage and was convinced that "everything else is alright", someone here advised that I just start by simply telling the truth. Sounds simple, but it is the best advise I ever received. Don't add to her denial; defeat it with truth. That's the only way out of this mess.

No one should get truth for cheap. Everyone's discovery of truth is a personal journey. A spouse cannot help.

Please elaborate; I agree that a spouse cannot help seek truth, but I am curious as to what context your comment comes from.

I agree with Vjerilood. Do you think you can bear it out for ever. You only have one life. This life is not a dress rehearsal. I too think I will bear it out, but I do not think I am going to make it. I do not want to go through the rest om my life with out knowing what intimacy and passion is. This isn't fair. We should not be put in this position - but me are. The question is What are we going to do about it?


You are living the Western society dream.

Great, isn't it.

Running your life by what people say you should do, what society pressures you to do, what family will co-erce you into doing is a great recipe to **** your life up.

And they've still got you by the balls even now. The next bit of societal pressure is that "divorce is bad and is to be avoided at any and all cost".

Are you going to fall for that one too, or maybe have a thorough look at it as a possible option ?

Tread your own path.