Where To Go From Here...

i am four years into my 2nd marriage, with a woman who appears to love me as i love her, but like so many in this group, the combination of physical and emotional intimacy are not there. I had several long relationships between my two marriages, all of which were wonderful sexually and in each instance we parted ways for reasons other than the sex. In one instance it was the distance (about 13 hours apart by car...) and in another she was not up to sharing me with my kids, something very important to me.

when my current wife and i started dating, she was very open about her very active sex life before me, and early on i would say that it was fine. things began to slide just before we got married and then went south from there. Now we are looking at very infrequent incounters, and i think driven by a sense of obligation on her part rather than desire.

I am not allowed to touch her breasts, we really dont kiss, and it really becomes what amounts to mutual ************. extremely unfulfilling to say the least. i did not envision the rest of my life being like this, and while i fully admit that if something were to happen medically that we could not have sex, i could cope with that. it happens and one deals with it, the same way one deals with any other infirmity or illness.

the explanation i get is it is menopause and that there is no sex drive after menopause. what i can determine based on what i can read is that it is a real possibility and not being female, i will not pass judgement and say that it could not be the reason. What i dont understand is that it is abundantly clear that there are many, many women who have a vibrant sex life after menopause, and while i dont have statistics handy, it is also abundantly clear that it is not just a few...

i dont know what to believe, and i am wrestling with this as it is more than just the physical, but also the emotional intimacy and we are like room mates now. I am frustrated beyond belief, and no amount of discussion seems to change anything...

broadenedhorizons broadenedhorizons
51-55, M
2 Responses Sep 13, 2012

The rest of the marriage ok? does she withdraw from all contact? When you touch her in the lower back in non sexual ways does she pull away?

could be three things. she lost the ability to want intimacy, which is either emotional or physical, in either case she needs to see a doctor and you need to be there for her.


she may have been abused in some way that she hasn't told you about.... This i know seems unrealistic, but this happened to me during my first marriage. i was penetrated by a family friend after i had said no many times. i didnt tell my husband, or anybody else save for my doc because i wanted to get tested. but it did change the way i wanted to be touched for a long time.


i dont like this idea. She had every intention of doing this from the beginning. before you were married. - the good news is, that if this is the reason, she only thinks she doesnt like sex, she does, just not in a way that is pleasing for her. Your job is then to figure out what she does want and need, Things have never done to her try.

Let's keep this real simple (harsh, but simple).

For some unknown (but speculated upon) reason, your missus is intimacy averse to you. That is the fact of the matter, and it seems that is the potential future scenario as well.

So - setting aside whatever the reason is that she has adopted her intimacy averse position -is this behaviour she has chosen a deal breaker for you ? That's the question for you in a nutshell, the rest is all detail.

Tread your own path.