I Lived In A Sexless Marriage And Found A Way To Get My Partner To Love Me Again!

I wish.

Is there anyone in the world that has found a way to turn around a sexless marriage and make it into the marriage that we all want?

Or are we all destined to continue reading about how it is impossible and divorce is the only answer.

Just hoping...

OK, now some time has passed and SHE asked ME if I wanted to make love!  I never asked, never suggested, never hinted, acted like lovemaking was not even a conscious thought.  I had done this before, and we went three years without any physical contact.  Now I act like I never think of lovemaking and she asks me.  Once, it was my birthday.  Now, I had suggested for years, gee, wouldn't it be nice to make love on my birthday.  Never happened - not in 23 years.  This year she asks!  Now, more months go by without anything at all discussed or hinted at.  Then, on our anniversary, she asks again!  Out of the blue!  We are now up to twice per year, which beats our record for the past ten years!

Given that I didn't do a single thing, I have no clue why she up and decided that we should make love.  So I'm bewildered.  I sure wish I knew.
n44wwep n44wwep
51-55, M
7 Responses Sep 13, 2012

Congratulations! So happy for you!

You wish? - I have a great marriage - and it used to be virtually sexless - we make love each and every day - have done so for the past five years. So yes it is possible and Yes it can be done.

Yes. Yours is a story that needs sharing. There are plenty of desperate people that are at wits end (myself, in particular), having run full force into the brick wall that is our spouse. Rather than hear some psychologist or psychiatrist blather on about something they read in a textbook, I would love to hear a success story from the front lines, so to speak, YOU. Please share the details of how things originally were for you both, the decline, what happened, the rough spots and the resolution. This is your story and this is the place to enlighten all of us. Speaking for myself (and presumably anyone else landing here), I can't wait to hear your story.

The moment I met her – set up on a blind date in August 1986 I was smitten. She was tiny, cute as can be, nice figure from a good family. We started going out with a bit of grouping at her parents house following soon there after. In a short time I found out that she liked receiving oral sex – but was not at all fond of providing it. I found I was rather skilled at delivering though and we were having a pretty good time. We went out for almost two years like that not really getting anywhere until we got engaged where she would finally let me get some sex. We were married in 1989 – sex never really was that good – she would hurry me along saying I was hurting her – we were stuck with condoms for at least a year until after a row I finally got her on the pill and at least I was enjoying it a bit more if not very often. She would sleep in sweat pants, and a T shirt or a sweat shirt over it – cotton panties under it and in the summers a T shirt and boxers over cotton panties – it was like sleeping with a GUY and I was not happy – sex was infrequent – and that was one word not two. When she was bugging me for a baby she dropped taking the pill and oh sex increased all right – when it was close to ovulating – it took a good long while for it to take and I was getting used to a bit more frequency – even if she was dressing like a guy at least I was getting laid more often. Then she got pregnant and wham – cut right off – cold turkey for the duration and for some time afterwards too – that would have been 94 and now I was a father. Back to condoms – disgusting condoms. No feeling for me – lousy for her and infrequent lousy sex. Until she wanted child number two – and then sex increased – I was a bit smarter - I was getting laid – and would not *** in her – but at least I was getting laid. I keep this going for at least six months until she was getting desperate – I capitulated and bingo – pregnant. This time she permitted sex during the pregnancy and I have to admit it was pretty good – at this point it was over a year without condoms but shortly after the birth of our second child back to condoms and a reduction in frequency as well. Condoms suck for both men and women in committed relationships – they remove a huge percentage of the pleasure and feeling. We struggled and she kept coming to bed dressed like a guy – I hated it, we fought about it – the second pregnancy scare was the low point – at a point that my business prospects were lousy, our marriage was lousy and we were terribly unhappy. At the second scare – I insisted – with the help of a women's clinic who helped that she be fitted with an IUD. Well no condoms was a HUGE improvement in sensation – but she was still coming to bed like a guy and sex was still infrequent. We still fought – a lot about everything. I got involved in a business deal and I scored pretty well. The mortgage was paid off, there was plenty of cash in the bank I was in a new business – things were pretty good but sex still sucked. I was looking at **** I was not happy but one afternoon I stumbled past a small lingerie shop. I thought about that place for a few days and one day on the way back from the office I decided to stop in – the place was owned by an elderly lady and it was filled with women – including one lady who knew my Wife and my Mother in Law and Me – I could not care less I was there for a reason and I was not going to leave. I stood out like a sore thumb but I stood my ground and waited until all the ladies had been served and had left and then the owner turned her attention to me. I had had time to check out the shops selection and had decided – An ivory silk and lace camisole – short, a cover up and some lace panties – not totally sheer but close enough. The owner gave me her approval on my tasteful selection she wrapped each piece in tissue and placed it in a gift box with a ribbon on it. In the car it went and I went home with my box. I quietly brought it in the house and parked that box right on her pillow. There was "what is this" from my Wife – I said it is a present and I want you to wear it to bed. For once she listened and came out of the bathroom looking like a woman – a hot woman and under the covers she went – I reached for her, massaged, ate her but good and we had a reasonably satisfying bout of marital relations. The next night – sweats and a T shirt. That one set of lingerie became a flag – I would lay it on her pillow and sometimes she wore it – sometimes not – when not I would go sleep on the couch and be an *** and we would fight about it. Sometimes she would get dressed in the outfit and come get me in the morning and we would get frisky – that out fit was my flag.
We kept this up and I purchased a few more things – I did a lot of research into what I liked and what fit what I could get away with and what she felt comfortable in. I read her size off of bras panties etc. I researched on line and started with some Victoria's secret – but frankly their stuff is crap quality but it was good enough for a start. I read and researched more and learned a lot more about lingerie and studied my Wife. She hated getting undressed particularly having her panties removed for sex – certain lingerie styles provide intimate access with no need for undressing – I was wiling to do what ever it took to get our sex life revved up – the more I got the more I wanted and I studied her and what it took to get her off – a lot of foreplay – loads of oral sex, fingers, mouth tongue – two fingers up there plus a tongue, the right motion – patience and staying with it until she had an ****** – always – then it was my turn. After the lingerie collection had a base I was going from once a week to twice a week and she found it was easier to comply than put up with me being an ***. I was selecting what she was to wear and she was wearing it – complaining mind you but wearing it. I kept shopping – teddies, longer gowns – really classic elegant stuff – very respectful – the teddies were cool and panties – and I discovered tap panties – French knickers – and kept shopping and kept researching and learning and kept laying out the new stuff twice a week – she kept complaining but a bit less and she was dressing for bed and sex twice a week – and we found we liked morning sex better than night time. Our relationship out side the bedroom was getting way better along with the improvement in our sex lives. I would wake her early for sex when she was dressed properly. I went for three days one week and reverted – she went along with it – I gradually snuck in a few extra days – she went along with it – there were six months there were I slowly cranked it up to every second day – she was enjoying herself and she said she wanted to choose what she was to wear to bed – I said fine. We kept this going for another six months – she sometimes dressed three days in a row then reverted to every other day going back to cotton panties and sweats and boxers every other day I kept shopping and doing a good job of it. One day – the cotton panties, the sweats all sort of disappeared - unless she had her period – she decided that she was enjoying herself enough that she would dress for bed like a lady – every evening and every morning we would make love. That was about five years ago. I had my doubts I was fifty by this time - I had no idea if I could keep up this pace – turns out I could and still can. Turns out that the more practice you get the better you get at it. Every night a different outfit – nice stuff too and loads of variety – I found a rosewood lingerie chest – she went with me to buy it – I organized it for her – panties, panty girdles, teddies, short nightgowns, tap panties. I keep it in order too. A rack for long gowns – there are perhaps sixty of them, loads of stuff – summer things, winter things - they all get used – some are more of her favourites than others but through all of this our marriage got better along with our intimate lives. I never **********, I do not look at **** – I don't need to – I never look at other women – I don't have to – I have everything I want and everything I can handle with my Wife and while it took a long time to get there – it was worth it. I decided I was not going to keep putting up with less than a full life and with good birth control – and being very focused on the issues and quite stubborn…. And making sure that she really was enjoying herself and gradually was able to control a significant portion of the decisions related to our intimate lives – she controls most of the agenda and has so for years now – and it happens to work. One step at a time but there was an idea and there was a plan and it had to fit with what she wanted and was going along with. Look there are no crotch less panties, no corsets, no stockings and garters – she does not want them so you have to know what fits but within parameters – well I would not trade where we are at with anyone - anywhere. You have to recognise when you have it very good and what happy really looks like – and we are there. Oh and every day is off to a very good start. We have a very strong and very good marriage now – better than at any time ever before. Oh and I keep shopping and she keeps choosing what to wear from her wardrobe. I love my Wife. Oh - and that cute girl with the perfect figure - is still a very cute girl with exactly the same perfect figure. Sometimes everything just works out. Sometimes it needs some help.

Let me state for the record that behaviour can to a certain extent be "influenced" by reward and punishment. I would put it to you that it can be influenced to a very high degree. There are limits to this and remember that reward works better than punishment. Punishment can be defined as acting like an ******* on purpose - Reward can mean dinner, washing dishes, helping with chores, being very nice, movies. The sex part - make darn certain your partner enjoys themselves - what ever it takes - they get off. People are not stupid - they make the link - but guidance and a plan have to be involved. You have to know what you want and where you are going with this. You also have to decide when good is good enough and maintain it at that level.

No matter how many times I have suggested sex to my husband he avoids me like the plague, usually. I am not so sure there is a way to permanently reverse something like this emotionally. Even if the physical is somehow rekindled, if that is even the right word, the emotional pain is beyond repair in my opinion. It is the ultimate rejection, and my plans are seeking to get out, not to "wait" anymore.

My only success has been in NOT talking about anything, just doing it. I have successfully treated her like our kids. To get the kids interested in doing ANYTHING, we had to make it sound really interesting or stimulate their interest somehow. If I roll over in bed and caress her nipples (which she is on record as liking), then things might just happen. If I ever talk about it, she will always say, "can I have a raincheck?". Once or twice a year, she might actually initiate - which totally takes me by shock every time.

I still cling to the hope that, this fall, when our last-born starts college and we will be empty-nesters, she'll realize that I am still here, alone with her. And that it's no longer the three of them against me (OK, in subtle, but clear ways). With a level playing field and no live-in distractions, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and will move i the direction that I have suggested above.

Can desire be rekindled? Only if both partners want it and how can you force someone to desire you? Or wish this or work on it?

In my experiences and those I have observed both here on EP and with people I have known in my life, love is not enough. Like is very important. Like coupled with love is a good basis to start from to rekindle intimacy. If your partner does not like you or who they are as a person then the battle is much harder and your goal may be impossible to attain.

You ask a question of us. Nothing is impossible but in your asking you may already know your answer. Wishing won't make this happen. It takes willingness of both you and your partner to make this work. If one is against this goal then you will be left with a hard decision eventually. Only you can decide your future if your spouse is unwilling to rekindle intimacy. I have no magic answers for you. Peace,D

Superb answer.

Fortunately, we do "get along". No animosity (other than having no physical relationship). What you say makes sense and helps to provide me with a needed direction. Thank you!

My wife is making a REAL consistent effort. She has been reading the Sexless Marriage book. I am also trying to realize more of what she is telling me. More mutual ************, more oral for both of us, and more passion. Better feelings for each other during the day. It is hard and not everything I want, but it is real verifiable improvement!

Very happy to hear it. Good luck and try not to give up.

Yes there is, but when you read other peoples stories, remember that what worked for them is not the answer for you, and also, 70 % of the details aren't in the story, so you may need to read every thing they ever wrote for it to fully make sense.

Reading the "31,000 tales of woe" just gets depressing sometimes. People who respond to this just give me something to cheer about. A vicarious pleasure, and maybe an idea or two.

As I said, read what ever member has been suggested to you, but read all of "their" stories so you get the entire process.

Understood - just too many variables, known and unknown, to perfectly apply in every case. Sometimes, I just need a different perspective. Then, I take it from there and adapt it for my situation.

Okay, I get it. Birds of a feather fly together.

1 More Response

I saw the title of your story - "I Lived In A Sexless Marriage And Found A Way To Get My Partner To Love Me Again !" - and, truth be told, I thought 'here is another member who has just had re-set sex and taken it for a new beginning'. Shows that one ought actually read the story before assuming anything.Anyway - your Q - "Is there anyone in the world that has found a way to turn around a sexless marriage and make it into the marriage that we all want?"A - on this very board there are a few examples where people have torn down the old structure and re-built a new and better structure. Read the stuff of hl42 and ModLulu.These are two such examples I can think of. It is rare rare. Obviously in their situations there remained enough residual goodwill and respect between the spouses to allow this to work. Most marriages that appear on these pages are so far down the ******* that the "tear down and rebuild" strategy is simply not an option.Most people arrive here thinking / hoping that it is their marriage that will be in the 5% that might be rebuildable. Mostly, these people are mistaken.Welcome to the board.Tread your own path.

THANK YOU for the links to hl42 and ModLulu. I've got to read them.