My Wife Makes Excuses So We Cant Have Sex

I have been married for just a year. we were together three years.I met her as I was going through a bad divorce. She helped me through it. sex at the beginning was non stop. And she was always worried about how I felt and if she was making me happy. We talked about everything. I also told her I wanted our relationship to stay new and never changed. She agreed. But a year in our relationship she started coming up with excuses to not have sex. we always cuddle and still do but she gets turned off when I mention sex. She has even got to the point to pretend she is on her period. It got even worse after we married. I know sex isnt everything. But its a big part of bonding and not loosing the connection. I cook ,clean and do everything for her to make her happy. But it does not seem to matter. She knew that was what broke up my first marriage but she promised it would never happen. Well here we go again marriage two and no sex. She comes home eats and sits on face book until she gets sleepy then off to bed. If I talk to her she dont even answer due to being so involved in facebook. Its even bad when we go out to eat to have a date night. She has facebook on her iphone. I thought maybe she was cheating but she is either at work or home never goes out without me or her daughter. I have came to the conclusion that she just hates sex so I am to the point of not mentioning it anymore. I havent even tried and its been two months. When ever she does want it she wants it right now. But when I want it . It is a excuse. Face Book is a major problem. She seems to be more interested in her friends post than our relationship. Can some help me make sense of this problem?
fisherman50 fisherman50
46-50, M
9 Responses Sep 13, 2012

Thank you Ollie, I am at the same point now.I always worry about everyones feelings but mine. Its my time to make my self happy now.

When two people are totally into each other nothing else competes whether it is Facebook or cleaning the oven or mowing the lawn. Marriage and relationships are all about priorities. Each partner has to be number one with the other and this means intimacy or a good sweaty time in the bed or on the floor or the couch.

We have a huge couch and when my husband is home I cuddle close to him and stroke him in the right place a lot. We are not sex fiends but I want him to know that I desire him! I know that he gets pleasure from this and I love him and love to tease. We make one another a priority always. Something you are not getting and this is why you are confused.

Your wife wants you when she wants you and then brings up excuses when you want her. No wonder you are trying to make sense of this. Mixed messages and this is cruel on her part and also controlling. Some women, and I speak as a woman, think that what is between their legs has tremendous power over men and this leads to a power shift in the relationship. For a relationship to remain healthy, both partners need to maintain a healthy balance including sex and intimacy. Your relationship balance has shifted over time and you are competing with Facebook.

Think about this fact. How important are you in her life? She may have caught you in a vulnerable state after your divorce. It happens. State how you feel to her and see how she responds. Beware that she may adjust her actions to keep you including pregnancy if this is possible. Also realize that a brief adjustment in her actions regarding sex probably will not last. People do not change! The warning signs are already apparent. I wish you well. Peace,D

I have tried to talk to her about it and she turns it around on me that I am the one with the problem.But you and everyone else is right about that. Its just hard trying to believe she fell out of love.

The obligation of choice is now squarely on you. She has chosen her position, now, you must choose yours. Until you do, this goes nowhere apart from continued misery.

Classic "Bait & Switch". She did whatever it took to get you, then she lost interest or never had interest to begin with.

Sadly I'm with Ron on this one. I'm very sorry.

Listen to her ACTIONS. Anyone can say anything, it's much harder to "pretend" all the time.

You can try to sit her down and tell her how much her actions are affecting you, but you may not get far.

She does not love you and she probably never did. You know that.

Get a divorce.

She cant have kids anymore so thats not the problem. She has her moments where she is all into me and times when she is not. every time we go shopping or anywhere she always holds my hand. I have asked her several times if she was still in love with me or lost interest and she said yes snd that she did not loose interest in me.She has even planned a romantic get away for us 2 months ago. she also said I meant everything to her. its so confusing. Her actions tell me one thing and her words tell me somthing else!!

ILIASM #101. Assess truth by observing actions.

bazzar is right on the money with this one. How many times have you received attention when you're out in public, shopping, or there is something that your spouse wants/needs from you. There's a big difference between being loved for what you provide, and being 'in-love'. Your spouse isn't likely to admit to being out of love, any more than you'd want to admit to having an affair.

She's showing a "public face" so everything looks good to the outside world, but it's just an act. Don't let it confuse you, it's just an act.

Here's what I heard from your story:

A) "...excuses to not have sex... ...pretend she is on her period..."

B) "If I talk to her she dont even answer... ...more interested in her friends post than our relationship."

A and B are hallmark indicators that she isn't interested in you romantically at all. Beyond that, she's avoiding any meaningful interaction with you.

Your reaction as stated:

C) "I have came to the conclusion that she just hates sex."

Well, it's really 'just hates sex with YOU'. She certainly isn't 'in-love' with you any more, that's why she is avoiding you. But you might be surprised to discover that she still wants romance and sex in general.

Facebook or other social media is a great way to escape. She might even be having an emotional affair with other guys. Who knows. At the end of the day, this really isn't about sex at all, it's about your loss of your relationship. A lack of sex is just an easy to measure indicator that things are broken.

You have to start talking more with your wife. Try and find out what is bothering her. It may take a long time, and she may never fully reveal what the true issues are.

OK, now the really bad news: Unfortunately, given the thousands other stories here, it would appear that the odds are stacked against you. At this stage of denial, your chances of recovery are less than 1%. Be prepared for that reality.

Thank you for your responses. Being able to talk about it helps a lot. Some times I wonder if its me that is the problem. According to family and friends they say she is very lucky to have a man like me. But I think people in a relationship forget how good they have it. And they loose respect for their spouse. More like taken them for granted.

Unfortunately brother fisherman, there often is no "making sense of this problem" in any terms of logic or reasoning.

There could be all sorts of reasons your missus doesn't want to **** you, and it is entirely possible that you will never know the true reason, as she might not even know herself. If you read a heap of stories here you will see all sorts of reasons people speculate about why their spouse doesn't want to **** them.
Some of the reasons are plain batshit crazy, some might be right, some might be sort of right, but even if you KNEW for sure why your missus didn't want to **** you, one unchallengable fact would still stand. That being that she doesn't want to **** you. Whatever the reason might be.

There is not one thing you can do about HER reasoning. All the dishes doing / cleaning / doing everything for her won't alter one thing. In fact, it may well make it worse as you send her a clear message that you'll bear anything, any task just to get a ****. That is a powerful weapon you have given her - and she doesn't seem averse to hitting you on the head with it.

Read on in here mate. Get a handle on what you are dealing with. It is likely far more serious than you might presently think.

Tread your own path.