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Friday Night Drinks

Tonight after work I went out for a drink with a co-worker. A friend of hers joined us, they are both about the age of my daughter.  While we were enjoying adult beverages and girl talk, the friend mentioned the fact that her boyfriend wasn't interested in having sex with her.  She said - "I walk around naked - nothing. I don't want to go to the damn Field Museum, let's just do it!"   This was a beautiful, sexy young woman - I was stunned. What kind of an idiot wouldn't want sex with her? Hell, I would have sex with her and I don't even swing that direction. 

My immediate response to her was "Run the fvck away, as fast as you can.  Some people love sex, and some people can take it or leave it. The two should never be in a couple together. This will never get better - it will only get worse." God, I hope she gives that some thought! Thanks to all the wise EP members who have taught me all I know on the subject. Maybe it will save her a few years and her self confidence. 

From despair.com - "Mistakes: it could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others". 
Waiting4What Waiting4What 46-50, F 11 Responses Sep 14, 2012

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any updates on if she stayed?

They split up, but then got back together. Haven't heard any details about whether the sex improved. I'd be willing to place a bet, though!

Yes, red flags are easy to see from far away go so hard to see up close. We talk our selves out of very logical advice. If you see this girl again it would be interesting to get a followup in a few months. I think you did the correct thing.

You do for yourself by doing first, for others, that was great advice you gave her and you should feel good that you are using your experience to help others avoid the same situation~

In my jurisdiction, a 'Marital Expert' was on tv this very morning talking about 'Sexless Marriages" in one of those typical 5 minute grabs with the hosts feeding her the pre-arranged questions.

My Australian colleagues here may also have seen it, and would understand when I refer to this 'Marital Expert' as a fair dinkum dead set shocker who didn't know **** from clay. (which roughly translates to as her being completely out of her depth with no practical knowledge of the subject at all)

Now to be fair, the title of 'Marital Expert' might have been a title she bestowed upon herself and maybe she is not indicative of the quality of professional people in the field.

However, IF she IS typical of the genre, then heaven ******* help all antipodean persons in sexless marriages who might seek 'professional' help.

It would appear that it is down to US to spread the word.

I will, from now, adopt a more pro-active position on this in real life than my first post on this thread suggested.

Tread your own path.

Baz, we are definitely the experts in the field! And it wasn't necessary to go looking for someone to dispense advice to - it was just part of the conversation. The thoughts shared here are so valuable, they can only be more effective in person.

"Mistakes: it could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others".

My worst fear but most likely outcome, LMAO right now in a hysterical way. Ever read "Fifth Business"???

No, I haven't read that one, I'll look for it. Because I'm DONE with relationship books for a while! I'm a big fan of despair.com, the image that goes with that phrase is a shipwreck sticking out of the water. Very appropriate! LOL.

"Those roles which, being neither those of Hero nor Heroine, Confidante nor Villain, but which were nonetheless essential to bring about the Recognition or the denouement, were called the Fifth Business in drama and opera companies organized according to the old style; the player who acted these parts was often referred to as Fifth Business." From Wikipedia entry on the book.

Excellent advice...run Forest run!

We have found this site where we can share our stories annonymously - why? Because the SM is so shameful. It cuts at the core of our self-worth. "If my spouse rejectes me physically, there must be something wrong with me" is the way our thinking goes.

But as I've gotten over my shame and told my story to more and more people, there is tremendous compassion and understanding out there. I suspect there are also plenty of our friends whose sex life ain't so grand either. It's not about how we look ultimately (though women find that hard to believe), it's about desire. No matter how beautiful we are, if the other doesn't have the desire, it's not going to happen.

You did a great thing by telling her to run...revealing your story might be the next step that will keep her from making a terrible mistake.

I suspect she won't get stuck like so many of us have, just because she was brave enough to talk about it. Shame is a lot more powerful in secrets than in truth.

I tell anyone now. It's not 'my' problem so I do not need to be ashamed. I don't go blurting it around but if it comes up in conversation I will just come out with the facts.

I would give that advice. Yes, I would. And good for you for doing so.

Good for you! Hopefully that young woman will take your advice to heart.

I like your quote. Occasionally, I will play the "why me?" card about having had to endure the pain of a sexless marriage. But, I think about how much I have grown because of this experience, and I hope I can help others do the same. Helping myself and helping others are the only ways I can think of to make this crappy experience worthwhile.

I've not had a single opportunity to dispense any advice to refused spouses in real life. And I doubt that I would offer any unsolicited opinion unless directly asked for one.

Funnily enough, a few years back, I was talking to a young bloke at work (about my sons age) and the subject of my dysfunctional marriage came up - which I was quite open about - and he gave me an unsolicited opinion very much like yours.

I suspect that guy is going to end up with a terrific life partner at some point. Really seemed to have his **** sorted, and at such a young age.

Tread your own path.

I think that many of us are from the period of time in this society when the notion of premarital sex was still taboo, at least in terms of what many parents, and others may have professesd. Essentially those of us from the 70s and even the 80s were under the pressure to abstain until the wedding day. Well, that philosophy in my opinion was only a belief to keep individuals in the dark about what sex is really all about, a non recreational activity. Plainly put, if an individual has not a clue about what expectations to have about sex when going into a marriage, then what ever exists in that relationship must be the norm. Igonrance is bliss, and a byproduct of growing mushrooms.

I waited for that big day because i cared about how she felt about sex before marriage. Unlike my bride to be, I could not wear white because I was not pure as she, and did have some expectations on what sex was about. However what i was faced with was nothing close to what I had experienced as a single person. I told myself, give it time, and her attitude will change, and impact positively on our relationship. Well it was not to be. Marital sex became an onligation, not an interpersonal experience that helps bond two individual. Being able to look into your partners eyes after sexplay, and say "I love you" is simply priceless.

So, when and if any one here in this forum should have the opportunity to let their experience speak, let it all out and tell it like it really is. Others don't deserve to fall into a similar trap that many of us may have had to endure for years.