What To Do? Help Anyone?I live in a sexless marriage. There are so many reasons for this from both of us that I have no idea what the root of it is any more. I am the refuser and have been on the other side too. In the mix we have my emotional dysfunction and complete emotional breakdown 6 years ago. We have his brain-tumour that led to excessive weight gain. There is depression and bi-polar disorder and all the associated pharmaceuticals that go along with it. And more recently (last 3 years) we have been battling with his alcohol dependancy. In the meantime we have created a successful business and live comfortably, but there are no children and probably never will be. How could I have children with someone who has so many problems? How can I have sex with someone who has no love for himself or his body, and from my perspective, is actively involved in self-destructing. Cigarettes (30 per day), Alcohol, Coffee, bad diet, no exercise... there is only physical repulsion, not attraction, I do not want that fat, smelly man huffing and puffing on top of me! Lucky for me with all the psychiatric pills he is taking and the lack of testosterone from the brain-tumour (side effect) there is no chance of that happening for some time. I do not even think he can get it up at the moment, or if he even wants to!
And yet, as with all these stories, there is the other side. He supported me through my breakdown, he has continued to accept me and I am quite a different person to the one he married, he supports me financially (yes, that is a factor as I have no family and if I leave there is no where to go unless I burden friends which I am too proud to do) and he does love me and need me. For those of you with as much pop-psycology as most out there the 'need' word should start the alarm bells tolling... I am loyal, I believe in marriage, I still believe he can get better.
The brain-tumour is treatable and is being treated (when he remembers to take the pills, self-sabotage according to me, he does not want to get better for whatever reason, in love with the excuse?). The alcoholism is something that can be dealt with and the other health issues can be tackled through diet and exercise. Then I could have my man back?
But is it worth it? At the end of all this work, and it seems like an insurmountable mountain right now, will I want to have sex with him, or will I never get over the revulsion of his stinky, drunk self getting in to bed? I have intimacy issues and I really need to trust someone to give myself to them, so much of our trust has been destroyed, I do not know if it can be rebuilt?
The reason I am here on this site is that we are starting round 2. We got over the first round of Alcoholic behaviour 2 years ago, but it is back. I think he has started drinking to counter-act the feelings of coming off the bi-polar meds. Coming of Seroquil and Cymbalta was HARD and he has turned to booze again. But I am tired and I do not know if I have the inner strength this time to help him through this again. Especially as I feel betrayed by his failure to stay off the booze. And I worry that this may be a endless cycle, that he gets sober and then falls off the wagon again, I cannot live in a life like that. I don't drink, I don't eat meat, I don't smoke, I run and go to gym 3 times per week, I am very spiritual, living with this man that I love is killing me. He sucks up all my energy and leaves me feeling depleted and hopeless.
Don't know what to do. Anyone have any advice? Perhaps I should have posted this elsewhere as the lack of sex is just another side-effect of everything else that is going on. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss sex. I would love to have an affair, but I just don't have it in me to be that deceptive or break my marriage vows. I would have to leave him before I would allow myself to get involved with anyone else.