Into The Fire

Because I sense an underlying motive in many of our posts that keeps us moored in our sexless marriages (financial considerations) I'd love to hear from those of you who have made the change - how it was done.

Be explicit and tell us the story about how you moved from your SM into the free world. Tell us how it was financially possible. I suspect this will be of greater interest to the women in our group but maybe not.

I'm curious.

Does anyone have a step-by-step program for getting free?

Do tell.
Fool4Waiting Fool4Waiting
56-60, F
5 Responses Sep 15, 2012

Didn't plan...FLED. But money follows happiness...there is ALWAYS more money to be made. THERE IS NO MORE LIFE. Only you can decide which means more to you, but in my book? GO WITH LIFE!!!

One really needs to find out what the position is in their jurisdiction<br />
<br />
.A principle to keep in mind however is that (again jurisdiction dependent) is that if the situation is that you are going to get hosed in a divorce, that will be true whether YOU instigate it, or your spouse does.<br />
So, not wanting to take a financial hiding (and who would) is at best a matter over which you have 50% of control anyway.<br />
YOU, may well not want to get divorced because you will get financially belted. Your spouse may well think a divorce is a great idea as it sees them get a good deal.<br />
So, if you are predicating not divorcing on the basis of not getting a financial thumping, you are kidding yourself. <br />
You are not in control of that.<br />
Check out what the facts are in your jurisdiction.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Interesting. I live in the US in a state where it's usually the other way around. I'm a man and from what I've heard is that the husband is the one who gets the shaft, even if his wife works. I need to verify that tho. I'm in a SM and my wife is dragging her feet and full of excuses. I'm tired of the rejection and how it makes me feel. I know that my financial state will be worse after a D, but I'm interested in what I can do. Getting a good lawyer is key. I just need to call for a consultation. I don't want to get a D, but if she refuses to seek marriage counseling, what else can I do?

that is not true..... when i got a divorce i lost my beautful home on the lake, lost car, lost health insh, lost dental insh, i ended up renting a room to keep my self off the streets and my x went on to a higher paying job, bought a new 2 story home, new car, kept his health and dental insh, so its not true men always get the bad end of the stick

So much of this is jurisdiction dependent.

Tread your own path.

much of it is is left to those who help to disovle the marriage.. and how that particular person is willing to fight for who ever they chose to help, man or the women, and who ever has the most money to fight...and of course laws come into the mix.

Well... I am interested to hear responses as well. I am still with my husband and married though... but I am consciously working on getting myself to a better place.

In my case, we've lived apart. At first because he was in the military and kept volunteering for deployments and schools. Now because he's got an out of state job that requires time abroad. So, for five years, we've seen him a few weeks each year.

The time apart was hard, but what's been harder is that he has repeatedly been abusive and put us in horrible positions by his selfish choices. So... after yet another particularly rough spell, I said I was done. He showed me by emptying our savings, that if I left him, he'd leave me with nothing and he promised to walk away and disappear if I divorced him, as in off the grid, and he's enough of an a$$hole that I believe he would. So, I know when i leave him, it's going to be messy and I am going to be raising three young kids (7, 5, 3) on my own with no help from him.

So since January, I've been working my way to getting myself in a safer position. I moved from abroad, back to the US, near my family. (needed to establish residency in a state that I could get a divorce in, vs trying from overseas or from the state he lives in) I told him if he wanted me to stay with him, he's got to buy me a house. (securing assets so he can't pull the cash and run, hoping for a chance at a fairer divorce).

The house should close next month. After that, it will be to start working towards full time pay.

The funny thing is, he's been really great, making an effort, being nice, respectful, etc. so, it makes me rethink a divorce, but not matter what, I can't be vulnerable and being self sufficient again has to happen. If we stay together, then we'll be better off as a family, if I leave, I'll be able to take care of the kids without his help if he follows through on his promise to screw us over.

Right now, I know the marriage is flawed in too many ways to count. But, he is the father of my 3 children, and I do take marriage seriously. He agreed to counseling, we've talked about some of the bad things that have happened, and he is trying really hard to to change. He's stopped saying awful things, he's made an effort to be available, and in his own way, he is trying to be a better husband.

Do I trust him, no. Do I want the marriage to work, yes. Do I think it will, do I have a desire to be with him? He was so hurtful... so, not really.... but, all I can be is me. I've been honest with him about my intentions to become financially independent because of his previous actions. (threatening to deliberately leave us homeless/penniless) He admits it was an awful thing to do. He says he is willing to work on the marriage and support me in my efforts, knowing that I am still unsure about us as a couple. That means a lot to me and a lot of trust and humility on his part.