I Live In a Sexless Marriage
I Found Out The Reason Why But it only means I should have left years ago
By:
GibbySan
Written on September 15th, 2012
I've been with my husband nearly 22 years, 19 of them married.
The first 7 years or so, we'd try to have sex, but he could never maintain an erection. He was mid-30's. He went to the doctor, who told him there was nothing wrong with him and that he just needed to exercise.
A couple years later, he finally went to another doctor, who tested him and told him he had low testosterone. He got his first injection, and wouldn't leave me alone for two days. Unfortunately, that never happened again.
We'd have sex every couple of months, when I'd get mad about it. He was always emotionally absent, going through the motions, and ignoring any requests I made in terms of what I'd like during sex. When I'd ask him what he'd like me to do, I could never get a clear answer out of him.
We finally saw a sex therapist a couple of years ago, which seemed to help, as then we had (crappy) sex on a weekly basis for the next 15 months, up until last November 2011.
As part of the therapy, he was asked to read a book "She Comes First". He happily agreed, but never followed through.
A few weeks ago, I finally tore up the book, threw it in the recycle and told him I wanted to know WHY he just couldn't ever seem to get around to it as he'd promised.
Side note: A couple weeks before he'd offered to work overtime so I could go to Italy next year with a friend of mine.
What I asked him was this: Why is it that you will willingly work many hours of O/T so I could take a trip without you (he's wanted to go to Italy as well) but you can't spend a few hours out of your life reading a book that would tell you how the female body functions?
His face grew dark, and he started accusing me of not being in a good mood lately, etc. etc. trying to distract me from the fact that I had asked HIM a question. He began speaking in monosyllables, claiming he had no idea "why" he was seemingly unable to follow through with his promises.
As someone who has always told me "You're perfect" and "I never get mad at you" it was pretty stunning/disturbing to see his face twist into a mask of complete anger and hatred.
After our "conversation" I finally looked up "passive aggressive behavior" and read how PA's refuse their partners sex and when they do have sex they are incapable of actually making love (hence the detached and emotionally absent behavior).
There was a bunch of other stuff as well that perfectly describes his inability to communicate or follow through on much of anything.
So. Now I know what his problem really is. All these years I've been thinking if only he had enough testosterone, he'd have an interest in sex, but all the while he's been punishing me because he's really afraid of intimacy. He also punishes me when he's angry (which is 24/7/365) by withholding sex.
At least in my case, all that finding out the "why" did was show me there's NO hope at all and that I should have left years ago. I don't love him anymore, so even if he was willing to go to therapy and actually work on himself, I have no desire to wait even more years (decades) to see if anything changes. And the odds are not good that he'd be able to make any meaningful or long-lasting changes, even if he wanted to.
So, two weeks ago I told a close friend the truth of what my marriage is really like. I will tell another friend or two in the near future. And while my husband is on vacation in Maine, I will be seeing a divorce lawyer, to "see how things will shake out in my jurisdiction".
It's a start.
P.S. The answer to "why" he'd work O/T so I could take a trip but not spend a few hours reading a book is that the first one simply involves his time, while the second involves giving me himself, which he's incapable of doing.
The first 7 years or so, we'd try to have sex, but he could never maintain an erection. He was mid-30's. He went to the doctor, who told him there was nothing wrong with him and that he just needed to exercise.
A couple years later, he finally went to another doctor, who tested him and told him he had low testosterone. He got his first injection, and wouldn't leave me alone for two days. Unfortunately, that never happened again.
We'd have sex every couple of months, when I'd get mad about it. He was always emotionally absent, going through the motions, and ignoring any requests I made in terms of what I'd like during sex. When I'd ask him what he'd like me to do, I could never get a clear answer out of him.
We finally saw a sex therapist a couple of years ago, which seemed to help, as then we had (crappy) sex on a weekly basis for the next 15 months, up until last November 2011.
As part of the therapy, he was asked to read a book "She Comes First". He happily agreed, but never followed through.
A few weeks ago, I finally tore up the book, threw it in the recycle and told him I wanted to know WHY he just couldn't ever seem to get around to it as he'd promised.
Side note: A couple weeks before he'd offered to work overtime so I could go to Italy next year with a friend of mine.
What I asked him was this: Why is it that you will willingly work many hours of O/T so I could take a trip without you (he's wanted to go to Italy as well) but you can't spend a few hours out of your life reading a book that would tell you how the female body functions?
His face grew dark, and he started accusing me of not being in a good mood lately, etc. etc. trying to distract me from the fact that I had asked HIM a question. He began speaking in monosyllables, claiming he had no idea "why" he was seemingly unable to follow through with his promises.
As someone who has always told me "You're perfect" and "I never get mad at you" it was pretty stunning/disturbing to see his face twist into a mask of complete anger and hatred.
After our "conversation" I finally looked up "passive aggressive behavior" and read how PA's refuse their partners sex and when they do have sex they are incapable of actually making love (hence the detached and emotionally absent behavior).
There was a bunch of other stuff as well that perfectly describes his inability to communicate or follow through on much of anything.
So. Now I know what his problem really is. All these years I've been thinking if only he had enough testosterone, he'd have an interest in sex, but all the while he's been punishing me because he's really afraid of intimacy. He also punishes me when he's angry (which is 24/7/365) by withholding sex.
At least in my case, all that finding out the "why" did was show me there's NO hope at all and that I should have left years ago. I don't love him anymore, so even if he was willing to go to therapy and actually work on himself, I have no desire to wait even more years (decades) to see if anything changes. And the odds are not good that he'd be able to make any meaningful or long-lasting changes, even if he wanted to.
So, two weeks ago I told a close friend the truth of what my marriage is really like. I will tell another friend or two in the near future. And while my husband is on vacation in Maine, I will be seeing a divorce lawyer, to "see how things will shake out in my jurisdiction".
It's a start.
P.S. The answer to "why" he'd work O/T so I could take a trip but not spend a few hours reading a book is that the first one simply involves his time, while the second involves giving me himself, which he's incapable of doing.
By:
GibbySan
Age:
51-55
,
Female
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