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How Common Are Sexless Marriages

Just wondering.......

How common is our experience? Anyone have an idea?
amithecrazyone amithecrazyone 46-50, F 9 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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I thought for years I WAS THE ONLY WOMAN in a SM. I knew it was "normal" for men to complain about lack of sex...all my girlfriends were refusers to their husbands and I was gawked at like the alien...'A WOMAN WHO WANTS SEX?!?!?" So I quit sharing and talking because no one understood me anyway. Thought I was the only wife out there in this and something had to be terribly wrong with me. Then I found EP..and realize it seems its an EPIDEMIC..with men and women alike!

Australia. I would say one in ten for various reasons. The latest seems to be, working too much (to have sex) to get "*something* then once youve got *something* you realise your relationship is stuffed and its too late. IMHO anyway.

To ulae

"My parents also pretty much knew that throughout high school and college, I never had a friend close enough with who I could discuss such things." Is it fair to feel that nobody helped you with discussion about sexual relationship in this time and age? Tons of books on the subject,magazines,films and internet with terabytes of information? How possibly parents and friends could help if they only have their own(limited) experience? Now I have quite a lot of information about SM and (not sure bed or good) now if I come across some conversations either real or virtual about lack of sex in marriage I mention about low libido, low testosterone or asexuality as possible reasons of SM... Do you know what almost always happens? People laugh at me... They say I am being naive and refusers are just do not want their partners and certainly have sex somewhere else... You see,if people never been in the situation, they just do not have any idea and very often even do not believe that such situations possibly exists....

I am so ancient that the Internet bloomed only after I finished my PhD, and after I was married. I did make use of it, but it was already too late. I was not into magazines and movies. Books I found were too clinical. Even my parents dutifully explained the plumbing to me, but not the tremendous emotional baggage attached with said plumbing.

People who have not experienced it, probably cannot imagine it. Rather than information, an incredible physical and emotional connection with another person is required. This is a rare gift indeed!

Given how common SMs are, it might be hard to explain why folks (myself included) are so distressed by them. (But then, death and income tax are also pretty common and continue to depress everyone.) You'd think parental sex-ed would include something like "Be aware that mismatch in libido or sexual taste is essentially inevitable in perhaps a third of all marriages, and, even if you are lucky, you have to work hard and earn yourself a good sex life. Good sex isn't like a delicious dessert that you can enjoy without arduous training; on the contrary, it is like learning to windsurf, or, in difficult cases, trapeze. You can certainly enjoy those as much as dessert, but only if you are well-trained. Get into a romantic situation knowing full well that for perhaps a third of the population, romance does not culminate in good sex in the long term." Speaking for myself, I know I'd be far less dissatisfied with marriage if I were given such advice by my parents. My parents also pretty much knew that throughout high school and college, I never had a friend close enough with who I could discuss such things. I wish they were around with such advice. Setting your expectations right is half the battle won.A natural question is: now that I know this version of reality, why can't I get emotionally reconciled with my spouse (which definitely does not mean getting back to hitting the sack in our characteristic clumsy, clueless and artless fashion)? That's really the crux of SMs, I think. An asymmetric SM deals a death blow to the capability of a couple to suffer together.

I also can't reconcile it or why I am distressed by it. I have had a friend to talk to and this has helped tremendously. Also, at the beginning of this process, I really wasn't sure how much time had passed, what was normal or even if it was all in my head. It's interesting that you mentioned death being with another person feels like an integral part of life to me.

I also can't reconcile it or why I am distressed by it. I have had a friend to talk to and this has helped tremendously. Also, at the beginning of this process, I really wasn't sure how much time had passed, what was normal or even if it was all in my head. It's interesting that you mentioned death being with another person feels like an integral part of life to me.

It's really a common problem. If you take marriages of people in the 30-50 year old range, and use the definition of monthly or less sex, you get something in the 20 to 45% range. You can figure about a third of marriages qualify for sexless as they mature.

http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html

The problem could be worse, but many of the sexless marriages are 'resolved' via divorce or separation.

It' somewhat comforting to know and thanks for the resource

I'd say it's an epidemic. My guess is like anything else in life as it relates to the statistical "bell-shaped curve", it's somewhere between 10-20% of marriages, though I think it's probably weighed higher in long-term marriages.

If you're in one, it doesn't really matter. Until you get here, you think you're all alone.

I suspect WAY MORE COMMON than any of us ever thought! (Think "Untapped Market!)

But I am a fool waiting. It's so difficult to resolve. It's complicated but, I could give myself permission for the right person. Still, even if I met the "right" person, how does one even begin to explain the conundrum to another without risking be harshly judged. Hello, oh BTW, I am married but, really, I am not. Let me explain, you see........................

why would you have a sexless marriage? i'd rather even have a marriageless sex! LOL
seriously why do people have it? i know of another couple but they did not answer my question. may be i'm too gross but the question is asked honestly.

IMHO generally people(unless they are refusers) do not choose to have SM... They just find themselves cought in it one day... Slow cooked... and here we are... and then you count all pros and contras- children,finances,illnesses,years together,good memories versus own deep frustration and unhappiness....

that's it in a nutshell!

Brother WarriorPoett reckons there are 40 million in America (or maybe that is the America's generally). So if you take that as credible, and can also establish the number of marriages in America (or the America's generally), some simple math will give you an idea.

Personally, when I was in one, THAT was the only one that mattered a great deal to me.

When I hit ILIASM in Feb 2009, I wasn't all that surprised that there were others, but I didn't draw much, if any, comfort from that fact. What I DID draw some comfort from as a newbie was the veterans on this board who had resolved their dysfunctional marriages and were standing there holding up a light in the distance for me.

Tread your own path.

And for all of us that can't resolve it..we are letting our lives slip away. I always feel this. Then I think of my family, each one. I love them all.
But, you have never claimed that it was going to be easy.