So Confused

This is the first time coming across this site and I've been reading all the stories on here and taking bits and pieces and I've decided just to tell my story so others can know what I am dealing with.  It may relate to some and it might not relate to some.... So here goes!!!

I am 34 and my husband is 32, we've been married for almost 9 years and in the beginning sex was a very good thing for both of us.  We both got our sexual needs met and I was into the more kinky things while he was more vanilla but it wasn't a big deal.  About a year and a half into the marriage we welcomed our son, I'd had a daughter from a previous marriage, and it was around this time that my husband began having issues with premature ***********.  I opened up the conversations with him about this in a very understanding way outside of the bedroom and made him aware that even though he was finishing fast that I could be satisfied in other ways (this was to take pressure off of him) and I just wanted to make sure he was okay so I suggested seeing a doctor to check everything out.  I know it is an embarrassing problem for men at any age but even more so when a man is in his 20s.  After the check up the Dr suggested putting him on Prozac, which he did have some mild depression and it had helped in the past, because that medicine is known to help with Premature ***********.  He also suggested we try some lidocaine cream to help decrease the sensitivity and we took the scripts for both and I thought that we would be on the road to having a happy normal sex life again.  Boy was I wrong.  Sometime in the 3-4 year mark I began seeing that he was deleting the internet history and when I asked him about it he would play dumb, like he didn't know what I was talking about.  Like I said I've always been into kinky things and I've NEVER had an issue with ****, I like watching it myself, and when I would try to suggest watching **** together he would start acting strangely and he would change the subject or he would tell me that "it did nothing for him" and he didn't like it.  Of course it would make me feel as if I was a dirty person because I enjoyed it from time to time.  I would also suggest ************ with each other and again he would clam up and start acting strange and then change the subject.  When I would bring it up outside of the bedroom he would tell me that he doesn't ********** and that it would be weird to do it in front of me..  so again I just kept it to myself.  Once I started noticing the internet history was being deleted and he denied doing anything wrong I started to get the feeling he wasn't being honest so after 5 months or so I put a keystroke reader on the computer and when he started acting funny I went in and reviewed it and sure enough he was spending quite a bit of time watching **** and ************.... Of course his initial reaction when I confronted him, in a calm and peaceful manner, was that he wasn't watching **** or ************ and he lied straight to my face.  Considering he and I were the only 2 people to use this computer I know he was lying to me.  I wasn't pissed that he was watching **** or even that he *********** (believe it or not I've been very open and honest with him that I *********** frequently and that it wasn't because he was not taking care of my sexual needs because he was) I was hurt and feeling betrayed that he lied to me and was hiding it from me, because hiding it from me turned it into something bad.  I calmly explained this to him and he told me he wouldn't do it again, not watch **** and ********** but lying to me.  Throughout our marriage I tried to calmly explain to him that I needed more sexually and that him doing the same thing every time we had sex made it seem more like a chore and I asked him to spice things up. Now I didn't nag him and it wasn't a constant discussion because I realized that I would put more pressure on him and it would have a negative response.  About 3 years ago he took a job out of town, the town was about 2 hours from us and was actually where his parents lived so he began staying at his parents place Sunday through Thursday and would come home on the weekends.  Of course this added a lot of pressure on our marriage outside of the sex issue, which hadn't got any better, because I was at home all week with the kids handling everything and he was coming home from his job and screwing off all afternoon.  I began to feel like I was a single parent and I started resenting him. He would come home on Friday and basically either sleep all weekend or be gone helping other family and friends. So while we were still having regular sex up until he moved out of town when he did sex then went to once every few weeks and when it did happen it was on his terms, with zero forplay and lasted a meer minute and then he was fine until the next time he wanted it.  To keep from hurting his feelings, because he had a lot of pressure on him, I faked ******* from time to time but I was so miserable that I contemplated having an affair to get what I wanted sexually.  I had talked to him until I was blue in the face and nothing was changing so I was like screw it ill get what I need elsewhere.  Around this time he got a smartphone and I began to have suspions that he was back to watching **** and getting his sexual needs met through ************ and at this point I did become angry that he was ************ because at this point he only cared about his own sexual needs.  Just like I suspected he was watching hardcore **** on a daily basis while out of town, sometimes staying up extremely late to do so (wow no wonder he was tired when he got home) and every time lying about it.  When I confronted him he lied once again and would get pissed... This was around October of last year and I turned on the parental controls on his phone, which just logged websites visited, and he had been laid off so he was no longer out of town but it hadn't got better.  I was going out of town for a quick overnight trip and before I left we were alone and I tried to get intimate with him and was shot down.  Needless to say I was beyond hurt.. later that evening I logged onto the parental control section of our service providor and bam what I saw destroyed me!! As soon as I left he had began visiting **** sites and *********** all afternoon, for a long time that day, and I texted him from where I was and once again he lied to me and I blasted him and told him what I did and I basically told him I was done with all the hurt and with being withheld physical connection by him and of course he got pissed first and then when he realized I was over it he began freaking out and trying to convince me he would tell me everything and open up to me. I had a miserable night and when I came home that next day we were both walking around on eggshells .. we sat down and talked and to make a long story short he was embarrassed by the amount of **** he watched and how often he *********** and he knew he was causing issues in our marriage but he couldn't help himself.  This not only pissed me off because he made me feel like a dirty freak because I liked **** and because I *********** and I had begged him to partake in it with me yet he told me it did nothing for him and when I reminded him of this he thought it was a trap or a test, he didn't trust me!! I told him that I wasn't sure that I could stay in the relationship because he never considered my sexual needs, he only had sex on his terms, and because he had lied to me and hid things from me and I was tired of sacraficing my own sexual needs to his.  After a lot of thought I decided I would give him another chance and that if it didn't get better that was it.  As is the case it did get better for a few months and he was finally exploring his sexual side with me and we were doing it frequently and I was giving him positive reinforcement about it and then bam about March of this year it started to go away again and it turned into a once every 10 days or so and while he still tried to last longer sexually he couldn't... I know he had a lot of stress on him at work and we had some other stressors so I tried to chill out and see if it got better but it didn't and I asked him several times if he wasn't attracted to me or what was going on and he always tell me that I read more into it and that I'm too paranoid. But I point to the fact that we once again aren't having sex and when we do it is one sided and when I ask him about it he tells me its because I either ***** or because of the kids stressing him out etc and I'm at my witts end... It has been over 12 weeks since we had sex and when we did it was once again on his terms and it happened in the middle of the afternoon when we were about to leave when sex was the last thing on my mind and I've been telling myself that anytime he does that that I am going to turn him down so he can see how it is for me, but everytime I can't bring myself to turning him down partly because I don't want to hurt him.  So the last time we had sex it lasted for a few minutes and I got nothing out of it and I told him that I would not be able to get off bc of the circumstances and he said well I will finish and then when we get home ill take care of you... Did it happen, nope!! And as a footnote we don't touch very often and besides the occasional kiss that is it.

At what point do I walk away... It seems very selfish to walk away because of sexual issues, how would I even explain that to people? Of course the lack of sex causes other issues because I am so sexually frustrated..... Is there any hope for fixing this? Does anyone have any suggestions? Please and thanks for reading!!!

A wife at the end of her rope!!!

kendra829 kendra829
7 Responses Sep 16, 2012

Has your sex life gotten any better since then (2 years ago)?
I think you should consider sex outside the marriage. With your husband's permission. It would seem like he should agree because he knows you aren't getting it from him.

I read your frustration and want you to know your not alone. I am married and went through a similar situation. The difference is we build a relationship, trust, a strong foundation before we married. This allowed us to be as sexual and sensually expressive by the time our honeymoon phase came around. We're ten years into our marriage now and have *********** to **** together, shared fantasies, toys, fetishes, and all of our darkest deepest desired so that we understand our physical responses and carnal needs. But keep in mind that trust, faith, and communication, are the pillars to all our foreplay and help take care of each others needs. We're all human, we will all go through emotional and physical stress and ups and downs. So we consider that in each other when it comes down to helping each other finish. We notice when we're hurting or tired, so we help each other get off so that our bodies can rest and sleep well. Trust me when I tell you this, using a keystroke monitor on him will only hurt you and resent him more because your personally witnessing what gets him off, knowing darn well it's not you. So cut that off immediately and start building some trust in him by sharing to him what gets you off and play together. Best wishes to you love...!

don't be hang in! sorry you are going through this!

You are very understanding and he is not.

He is so crazy. You seem to be very understanding and open to sexual experiences. I guess watching **** releases one from the responsibility if actually "connecting" with a person. It seems to not be a sexual problem. It is a personal relationship issue. And consideration. You two don't have a relationship. Sad. I would suggest a marriage counselor of some sort. But then again, if he is not honest, that won't do much. Sorry to hear about your dilemma.

This is tough because you would share in all of it if he could be honest and open with you. Which is a better offer than most men get.
You have to be happy and content , too.
Most men would love your approach, taking you in a heart beat, and be very happy.
Do what is best for you, he is.
Let me know.

By the way it sounds, he may be at the addiction end of the spectrum. Having sex with you may not provide enough stimulation. **** addiction usually builds on itself, from "normal" sex acts to more and more extreme acts. It starts to take more to "get you there". This is an educated guess about one part of the whole issue.