No Intimacy

We have been together for 15 years. I am told that we are not going to have sex until I meet my W emotional needs. So now my needs are completely cut off until she feels her needs are met. Her 'needs' change so I stay confused of when I am good enough to deserve intimacy. I have complained for years about the frequency. It would be around once a month sometimes less. I told her I would like 3+. I am unable to hug her, kiss her, rub her back, etc without her being so cold and bitter. In the past the reason was not helping out around the house, so I made a clear effort to do more, pick up after the kids, help out more with the kids, I do most of the cooking, get up with the kids and so on. She says she feels like it is still not equal. I work 40+ a week, she stays home with kids. I try to get her to go out with friends to have time away. I talk to her, listen to her, watch tv with, spend as much time with her as possible.

We have been arguing real bad lately. A lot of the arguments are regarding sex. I am tired of being denied. I told her that I am married to her and she is the only one to meet my sexual needs and she is in control and denying me. Her rebutle was to say the same but replace sexual with emotional needs. Conversation ended with no outcome of anything positive.

I feel like even if I meet all of her needs, she will still find a reason to deny intimacy. Each day I work on myself to be better but I am never good enough. I am so tired of the built up sexual frustration. She says I am selfish for wanting sex. She only wants sex if we are emotionally connected but remain lost on what she even means. She does not allow me to be affectionate with hugs or kisses.

I started reading His Needs Her Needs.. .. It talks about 10 emotional needs .. admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honest and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.

I feel like I am lost. I feel like I am meeting the needs best I can. When she talks about needs she talks about cleaning, and doing things around the house without her mentioning a task needing to be done. I dont know what she wants done so unless she tells me how am I to know?

Will she change? She says yes, if I do. I am the problem she says.
lifespinning lifespinning
31-35, M
9 Responses Sep 16, 2012

Considering how hard she's working you, maybe she's trying to make you too tired for sex...at any rate...you said:

"I feel like even if I meet all of her needs, she will still find a reason to deny intimacy."

How would you proceed if the above is the truth...and at what point will you have determined that this is the case?
I'm kind of afraid it is true.
At the very least, her behavior says that sexual intimacy DOES NOT equal emotional intimacy for her.
It does for me to some degree...does it for you?
Best of luck.

I'm asking my wife to read the book with me
Hope You Get Matters Resolved !

I feel the same as You Do
Is Your wife PA ?
Just discovered Passive Aggressive Behavior may have something to do with intimacy issues for males and females. Or Abuse problems and/or maybe other causes from her past history before your marriage.

Is their any AA group for sexless marriage.
Wish You the Very Best !
Good Luck !

Do You know about SMART goals? In order to be "doable" goals need to be S = specific, M = measurable, A = attainable, R = realitic and T = timely.

Your wife's goal for you does not meet any of these criteria -so you can NEVER hope to attain it. I'm guessing if you tried to pin her down on the subject she'd say "You ought to know without me telling you". That is a MAJOR cop out and clearly demonstrates that she herself has NO idea what these "emotional needs" are.

That is not to say they do not exist - she probably DOES feel emotionally depleted. But expecting you to both GUESS how to correct this AND then fill these vague needs wholly, is totally unrealistic.

The wedding the two of you had a while back, is distracting you from the truth of your present relationship with each other. Forget the wedding for a moment and pretend you recently started dating, and set the level of sexual "obligation" there.

She doesn't do you because she doesn't feel connected to you and may even feel angry at you, or something in your present married context reminds her of something that turns her off (might not have anything to do with you, specifically). It may be, as is the case with my wife, what she has discovered "marriage" and "married sex" represents to her, or triggers within her. What was her homelife like with her parents?

Once you get that pesky wedding distraction out of the way, and start treating it as a relationship, as opposed to a contractual obligation, things start to become more clear. From her standpoint, you are asking her for sex with someone she doesn't feel close to. She's as distracted as you are by the whole marriage thing, so can't figure out why it's off to her. So when you ask her why she's turned off, she reaches down into her bag of whatever the next biggest thing is that's bugging her in her life. It might be dishes, kids, a sunburn, whatever - but it's a rolling list of easy to reach items that we ALL have. That's life.

No, her problem is much bigger than those, and it's too big for her to see as well. It sounds like you both have idenitified a disconnection. You both are at least indicating that you are unhappy with the present situation. And given your wife's answer, she may even be as far along as acknowledging (to herself) that she is not satisfied sexually either (I'm not talking about technique, but rather the whole context in which her libido can unfold). These are extremely painful discussions to have -- raw, wet, and bleeding.

The transactional discussions - emotional needs vs physical, plus good deeds for sex --- that's ugly stuff and you both know it. This performance as obligation stuff will also smother any inkling that might be burning down there, at least with you (but not with others, so be careful). Time for the both of you to let go the anger for each other and understand you both aren't happy, and hopefully you both can explore ways of approaching this.

Your situation does sound a bit like mine - and that's a toughy. My hunch is that the state of being married itself presents a kind of stasis that she finds uninteresting, the two of you blending your Play Dough's into a grey mush. I think you'll feel better and be more interesting if instead of focusing on her, you focus on yourself. You both need a different way of looking at this. What if the two of you divorced? What do you think you would do within the first weeks, months, and year of your lives to feel more whole again? Anything from stopping you from doing those things now?

Like +++++++++++

Mate,

I have been there, done that and got the t shirt and the scars to prove it. Physical intimacy is not a bargaining chip in some power play. If your spouse wants and desires you, in denying you, she denies herself. To be able to do this when you are trying to reach out, trying to meet what she says are her emotional needs, just says that she does not place the same value on physical connection which you do. In short, she does not love you the way you want or need to be loved. Sexual intimacy is a gift and there is mutual pleasure in the simultaneous giving and receiving. You have some hard choices ahead. Be well.

Reminds me of that Scary Movie sequence where a man, wanting to commit suicide, gulps down a bottle full of Viagra tabs thinking they are sleeping pills, while a woman keeps jabbering on and on about "the relationship" and "getting in touch with herself" etc. I imagine you should be able to catch it on YouTube.

In a marriage, a spouse does NOT meet all the emotional needs of the other partner. That's why we have friends, family, hobbies or work that inspire us and even children. However, yes, in terms of romantic love it better be the spouse.

Sexual needs? Even those we can't expect to be fully met by our partner. That's why we fantasise, ********** and sometimes indulge in prn whether it be visual or one of those shades of gray thingies.

But the need for the connecting, emotional and physical act of sex - that should only be met by a spouse.

--

If she's willing, go through the 5 Love Languages with her. I think this is a really good approach to a lot of human relationships - not just in marriage (which it was designed for). Maybe 'acts of service' really is her love language. But she has to open her eyes to the acts of service you're already doing. She also has to accept that people can't meet your expectations if you don't tell them what they are. In a fantasy world, someone will do all that you need without asking, but that's fantasy. And if it's to work, she also needs to understand your love languages - which I would guess are about physical affection and maybe words of affirmation. (But take the quiz!!)

Although I agree with the others here - I think she's likely a goal post shifter. Sorry.

Although I once had a secretary who met all of my secretarial needs without me asking and did extra or new stuff with me only asking once. It was heaven! I still miss her.

Secretary with benefits!! ;-)

Errr...not those kind! She was super cute, though

She's a goal post shifter.

<p>She is full of ****. You know it, she knows it, and anyone who reads your story knows it.</p><p>After breeding, she was always going to cut you off, but needed a plausable excuse to do so. "Meeting my (unspecified) emotional needs" is a good one, as the only one who can assess that is her, and therefore you ain't meeting them. You were not and are not EVER going to meet them. That's why this is such an excellent excuse. "Doing the dishes" and suchlike is measurable. "Meeting my (unspecified) emotional needs" ain't.</p><p>Her actions clearly say that she has taken a position of intimacy aversion to you.</p><p>That now puts the onus of choice right back on you. Nothing changes until such time as you exercise that obligation of choice.</p><p>Extensive reading in this group would help you gather information that would help you make an informed choice.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>