Time For An Exit Plan....Funny; I didn't really believe it would ever come to this. Fooling myself? Probably.
I told him, over drinks at my favorite restaurant Friday evening, that I wanted to be in love with my husband, and I wanted him to be in love with me. It was met with silence. I don't know how long I sat talking for and getting no response, but it was a mighty long time.
Saturday morning, he was heading off to work and I asked him to come back to bed for a moment so I could talk with him. I asked him if we could go out later that evening and this time he would talk. He said, "Okay," kissed me, and went off to work.
Saturday afternoon, the house was empty except for us. I was playing on the computer some mindless Pogo game when he said, "I wrote something for you a couple of days ago. I was going to leave it on your pillow, but it seemed unfinished so I didn't." He then tossed it on the desk in front of me. If I could only remember exactly what it said.... But it was something about me always being unhappy and him not knowing what to do.
It did seem undone and I asked him what else he had to say. Finally he said, "I am trying to find a way out, too."
This was the first piece of honesty I received from him in multiple years. We talked. He was the one who talked about a separation. He spoke about divorce. I told him that I knew how great he was, that someone would ****** him up, and he'd be remarried within two years. This caused him to smile. (No, not a melancholy smile, but a big, wide-mouth grin smile.) Then I said, "And you will find someone who can help you hold an erection." He burst into tears and said, "This was suppose to last forever."
Saturday night, he came up behind me and hugged me very tight. It wasn't a needy hug. It was strong. I asked him to follow me into the kitchen. I told him that that was what I had been looking for.... some type of passion. He held me for a moment and then put his head on my shoulder. I pulled away and said, "But I can't take you being needy. Let me show you...." I moved my arms underneath his and laid my head on his shoulder. I told him, "This is what I need. I need to feel safe." He held me for a couple of minutes and then went to bed.
Sunday, we began talking again. I asked him if he intended on seeing his counselor again. He said, "No. It doesn't help." I asked him if we were going to see ours again, and he said, "No, that doesn't help either." Instead, he told me that we are in one big circle that cannot be escaped.
This time, there was no affection. He blamed me for pulling away. He blamed me for being too kinky. He blamed me for spending too much time at work, on the computer, iPod, with my friends. He blamed me for not going up to bed at 9pm when he goes up. He then threw my iPod, he stormed into the kitchen, and he came back in hollering.
We talked about him moving into his mother's vacant house. Not really talked, I suggested it. I felt done at that moment. I realized that we could not move ahead.
I realize that he is right. In many ways, it is me. I have pulled away. I have become different. I am not the same woman he married. Now we both know it. He cannot deal with the new me. He cannot deal with the independent, strong, and open me. He wants that little girl back that he married when she was 19. We both realized this weekend, that she is completely gone, and he is not willing to fight for the new me.
Today, I am contacting me therapist, my lawyer, and am finally speaking with my parents. Our daughter knows...heck, she brought it up while we were having Mommy and Daughter time Saturday night. (She is 17.) I told her I couldn't give her any details, but yes, we had be in counseling. (That was her question.) She told me that things have been really weird for the past year. She went on and on, and the only thing I could do was listen.
So, here it is. What I always suspected but hoped wouldn't happen. He does not love me. He does not want to put the effort in to make this work. We are too far apart. There are too many hurts that can't be forgiven.
Funny, it hurts to know the truth, yet it is somehow liberating.