Time For An Exit Plan....

Funny; I didn't really believe it would ever come to this. Fooling myself? Probably.

I told him, over drinks at my favorite restaurant Friday evening, that I wanted to be in love with my husband, and I wanted him to be in love with me. It was met with silence. I don't know how long I sat talking for and getting no response, but it was a mighty long time.

Saturday morning, he was heading off to work and I asked him to come back to bed for a moment so I could talk with him. I asked him if we could go out later that evening and this time he would talk. He said, "Okay," kissed me, and went off to work.

Saturday afternoon, the house was empty except for us. I was playing on the computer some mindless Pogo game when he said, "I wrote something for you a couple of days ago. I was going to leave it on your pillow, but it seemed unfinished so I didn't." He then tossed it on the desk in front of me. If I could only remember exactly what it said.... But it was something about me always being unhappy and him not knowing what to do.

It did seem undone and I asked him what else he had to say. Finally he said, "I am trying to find a way out, too."

This was the first piece of honesty I received from him in multiple years. We talked. He was the one who talked about a separation. He spoke about divorce. I told him that I knew how great he was, that someone would ****** him up, and he'd be remarried within two years. This caused him to smile. (No, not a melancholy smile, but a big, wide-mouth grin smile.) Then I said, "And you will find someone who can help you hold an erection." He burst into tears and said, "This was suppose to last forever."

Ahhhhh. Reality.

Saturday night, he came up behind me and hugged me very tight. It wasn't a needy hug. It was strong. I asked him to follow me into the kitchen. I told him that that was what I had been looking for.... some type of passion. He held me for a moment and then put his head on my shoulder. I pulled away and said, "But I can't take you being needy. Let me show you...." I moved my arms underneath his and laid my head on his shoulder. I told him, "This is what I need. I need to feel safe." He held me for a couple of minutes and then went to bed.

Sunday, we began talking again. I asked him if he intended on seeing his counselor again. He said, "No. It doesn't help." I asked him if we were going to see ours again, and he said, "No, that doesn't help either." Instead, he told me that we are in one big circle that cannot be escaped.

This time, there was no affection. He blamed me for pulling away. He blamed me for being too kinky. He blamed me for spending too much time at work, on the computer, iPod, with my friends. He blamed me for not going up to bed at 9pm when he goes up. He then threw my iPod, he stormed into the kitchen, and he came back in hollering.

We talked about him moving into his mother's vacant house. Not really talked, I suggested it. I felt done at that moment. I realized that we could not move ahead.

I realize that he is right. In many ways, it is me. I have pulled away. I have become different. I am not the same woman he married. Now we both know it. He cannot deal with the new me. He cannot deal with the independent, strong, and open me. He wants that little girl back that he married when she was 19. We both realized this weekend, that she is completely gone, and he is not willing to fight for the new me.

Today, I am contacting me therapist, my lawyer, and am finally speaking with my parents. Our daughter knows...heck, she brought it up while we were having Mommy and Daughter time Saturday night. (She is 17.) I told her I couldn't give her any details, but yes, we had be in counseling. (That was her question.) She told me that things have been really weird for the past year. She went on and on, and the only thing I could do was listen.

So, here it is. What I always suspected but hoped wouldn't happen. He does not love me. He does not want to put the effort in to make this work. We are too far apart. There are too many hurts that can't be forgiven.

Funny, it hurts to know the truth, yet it is somehow liberating.

SoftBlooms SoftBlooms
51-55, F
16 Responses Sep 17, 2012

how are things going now,,,I see we are both from Toledo

It's been a little over a month since you posted this story. I hope things are going better for you. I would suggest that you can never make him happy, and he can never make you happy. That does not however mean that you have a bad marriage. For we must find our own happiness in this world. Often times we are bored or lonely, or poor, and expect our spouse to fix it. This can quickly deteriorate into *** for tat and an endless downward spiral. My suggestion is to stop focusing on your marriage and focus on youselves. For many years I was in a similar situation, living with a woman who was miserable all the time. She blamed me for not making her happy. After years I gave up and told her outright that I was no longer going to try to make her happy. I was no longer going to commiserate and empathize and be miserable with her. I had found my happiness through faith, and it learned it was OK for me to be happy. I didn't have to apologize for not being miserable. I would sing all the time and always be upbeat. She fell into a deep depression. The fighting with me was the only interaction in her life, and I refused to fight with her. She eventually ended up in therapy, and on medication, and eventually worked through her "stuff". They were her issues, not mine. I was her scapegoat for many years. I was the reason she ate too much. I was the reason she was depressed. Her unhappiness was because I didn't make her feel loved. I gave up on pleasing her, and told her life was too short to fight all the time and be miserable. After a few days she started to threaten me, and try to control me. She said my happiness must be the result of some affair, and hounded me to come clean. Again I refused to fight. She threatened to divorce me and get alimony and destroy me financially. I explained to her that she was getting my entire pay check now, and regardless of what a judge did or said, I would have to have something to pay for minimal living expense. Regardless of the judgement she and I would both end up with less money. Her unhappiness and depression continued and she started feeling suicidal. Eventually through counselling and medication she started to take responsibility for her own feelings and issues. Things have improved now, and she has seen the happiness I have, and she wants this kind of happiness in her life. We've stayed together, and we're dating again and having more fun together. The morale of the story is you have permission to be happy with yourself and your life. Let him deal with his "stuff" and you deal with your "stuff". If you don't feel safe, buy a gun. If you don't feel loved, buy a puppy. If you don't feel sexually fulfilled, **********. These of course are all exaggerations, but there are a lot of divorced people who feel lonely, and unloved, and sexually frustrated. Don't expect some stranger is going to give you lasting happiness. Sure a sexual fling gets the adrenaline flowing, but so doesn't skydiving. You have permission to be happy. If he's smart, he'll want your happiness in his world. Either that or he'll look for someone 20 years younger he can control and blame for his problems. If this happens please don't feel inadequate that you're unable to compete with a women 20 years younger. One day at a time. Make yourself happy. It got to the point where she occasionally reverts on me, and she had a bad day at work and she's feeling too sick or tired to do anything. That's when I say, OK you go to bed, I'm going out. Jealousy or fear kicks in and she has a miraculous healing. Either that or she goes out with me and complains all night, and I tell her to stop bitching or I'll take her home. You have permission to be happy!

Wow. Thank you. I will respond to this when I am not on my phone. You have given me something to consider.

LOVE your wisdom and mentality strength!!! WoW! You both have finally found true blessing, I am so happy for you two and such a happy ending story :)

wow, that story hit me so close to home it brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly what you are going thru. Seems like once the fire is completely out there is nothing that can be done to bring it back. I did all the counseling things, the advice, etc. it didnt work no matter how much effort was put into it.

Hugs for you.

Yep, there resembles an actual 'death', and once it happens, it's done. No amount of marital CPR seems to revive it. A post-mortem exam reveals the issues were incompatible with a successful relationship.

Unfortunately, none of us can see it while in the midst.

No. Looking back you can connect the dots and see a big picture. Going through it though is more like...Year 5, we're arguing about stupid things. Year 8, we say things to each other we wouldn't say to anyone else. Not in a good way, either. Year 11, I resent the amount of time he devoted to his career and leaves the kids responsibilities with me. Year 13, we never have fun together. Year 14, Have's had sex in 2 months. Year 17, Haven't had sex in 6 months. Year 19, We have seperate bedrooms and just exist. Year 22, life support being pulled.

My prayers are with you!!! :-)


3 More Responses

This is my situation on a grander scale. You seem much more together than I do with it. At the same time I was blindsided by my partner. I may be stupid but I was as happy as ever when it all started..completely unaware he was falling out of love. I applaud you for being a stronger person than I am.

"Funny, it hurts to know the truth, yet it is somehow liberating. " This is a huge truth... and when you know the truth you can build on it, deal with it, and move forward. All the hoping and guessing and wishing in the world is really quite worthless...

The truth really does set you free...

Much, much empathy... we'll be here as you process this and move toward the conclusion. As a very wise friend said to me... just keep on staggering... you'll get there!

Words of wisdom! "...just keep staggering... you'll get there!" The truth seems to never be as painful as you anticipate really. It's the damned denial and lies and decepetion that really hurt.
A couple of weeks ago, after asking my husband many, many times, "Why did you even get marreid and have kids?", he said when we were not addressing that question, "I really don't even like people". It was the first honest things he's said in many, many, many years! I felt no anger, only deep gratitude for his openess and honesty. I wanted to scream from the car window, "Free at last! Free at last! God almighty I'm free at last!" LOL

He has done you a favour by refusing to keep chasinmg what he knows is no longer there. It is very sad for you both. And yet, this is a start of a new life for you both. There can and will be better things in your future.

If possible, choose to work together as co-parents with respect, co-operation and good will. A separation characteriosed by these things will be much happier and better for all concerned - especially your daughter.

If I could hit like 100 times, I would. Your comment is spot-on.

Thank you to all those who responded. I have too many thoughts going through my head, and cannot seem to formulate much of a sentence at the moment.

congratulations on finally gettting some truth...

"He blamed me for not going up to bed at 9pm when he goes up." Uhhh... that was the first sign (for me) my husband didn't "want" me. He never went to bed with me at the same times. NEVER.

It is extremely sad, but I try to look at it as a beginning, not an ending. The beginning of better: more freedom, more happiness, more pleasure, more satisfaction. We all want love to last forever, but often it doesn't. We grow, we change, and not always for the better. My husband confessed to me that he though I'd outgrown him. And you know what? He's probably right. Sounds to me like you might be in the same situation. He's blaming you in order to assuage his guilt about wanting out of the marriage. It would be much more honorable to just admit that fact with kindness, instead of blame. Unfortunately, he hasn't evolved to that point yet. But you have---share that maturity with someone who deserves it: YOU.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. You have exhausted all possibilities to "fix" your marriage. Your husband is unwilling to work with you even after you clearly and kindly let him know your needs. You are now accepting the truth that he does not love you. While this may hurt you beyond measure, acceptance of this fact is the only way to move beyond the hurt and towards healing. I have just recently accepted the fact that my wife does not love me and instead of being consumed by desires to "fix" the marriage - I am now focusing all my energy on my exit strategy. Accept the truth and you gain some control.
I wish you the best.

That's a sad story. Your husband has moved from confusion, to resentment, through anger, and has finally settled on detachment. There certainly was some passion along the way. Though I suspect he already knew that you were lost to him, and that nothing he could do would change the dynamics.

In the future, just accept a hug. If you like something, go ahead and mention it. But don't take the opportunity to tell someone that aren't loving you in the right way. That's a quick way to turn them off.

You said: "He does not want to put the effort in to make this work. We are too far apart." Your H probably believes that your mind is already made up, and his efforts will be futile. You only need justification for a decision that has already been made. And for you, that new reality is liberating.

Interesting take on this. Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems that you have laid the responsibility squarely on the one being refused intimacy. Did you note the OP's clear request of what she needed to feel loved by him? Or his unwillingness to act and even engage when the OP was seeking connection? The sound of one hand clapping is always silence and eventually the absence of responsiveness becomes overwhelmingly and painfully deafening.

What I'm thinking is that there has be an available path to success. Inaction can mean your partner doesn't care, but it can also mean that they just don't know how to proceed. So they can get stuck in a do nothing and say nothing mode. She needs a strong sign from him, and his emotions are cycling around without direction. It sounds like he's resigned himself to failure. And of course, a zero confidence persona isn't going to reignite anything in the romance arena.

Just my opinion - it seems that there are so many contrived obstacles and excuses for why a person can't or won't show their desire for someone. If everything including the kitchen sink is more important than one's desire, I would postulate that said desire is probably non-existent. If already knowing you risk losing the person you love and desire is not incentive enough to reach out, then what is?

At least your spouse is self-aware enough to know when it's time to call it quits.

Good luck :)

Everyone now sees the elephant in the room at the same time - the truth. There are some hard yards for all of you ahead but you can all move forward now - the opportunity is there - its a gauntlet to walk, but it can be done. Breathe, and keep moving. Be well.

"Funny, it hurts to know the truth, yet it is somehow liberating."

These words are so profound. The truth will set us free. I never understood these words before I started being honest with my H about my needs and desires. I often say to my fellow EP'ers, they need to keep telling their truth and putting one foot in front of the other. It's so hard and scary to tell the truth especially when you've been hiding it for so long, and of course we hold back because we don't want to hurt anyone.

But here you are...and the truth does hurt, but so does the pain of not knowing. Somehow once the truth is out there, it makes more sense and is easier to maneuver. You have been given the gift of finally coming on to the same page with your H - for the first time in many years. Now, it's a matter of getting through the next phase which sounds like it will go fairly fast for you.

I'm sorry for your pain but I am rejoicing in your liberation.

And so, a dysfunctional situation is recognised by all parties to it.

And, the resolvement of it proceeds to a conclusion, from which all have the opportunity to move forward in their respective lives.

It is a great result. Not a happy result, not a painless result, but a result based on where the truth drove it.

Tread your own path.