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Talk Is Worthless

Reading all the stories on EP, including my own, I'm so struck by how we desperately look for signs of hope in what our spouses say.

"But he SAID he's trying."
"She SAYS she loves me."
"We TALKED about things."
"She PROMISED to work on her issues."
"He AGREED to go to counseling."

Etc etc etc.

What if we ignored words completely and just concentrated on their actions? My H is a master at excuses, smokescreens, denial, blame, empty promises, etc. But if I subtract all the talk, it's pretty obvious from his behavior how much he ACTUALLY cares about meeting my needs: zip, zilch, nada, niente, bupkus. He's never actually done anything to fix our marital problems, he's not doing anything now and he never will. objective data is much harder to dispute than bullshit empty words that never are backed up by real, committed, ongoing action.

Doesn't matter what they say: ALL that matters is what they do.
nyartgal nyartgal 36-40, F 44 Responses Sep 17, 2012

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Yes y ever seen yes..everything I have I read about passive aggressive state ignore what they say look at their actions. Their actions show you how they REALLY feel.

What you say is SO TRUE. Mine doesn't even talk, doesn't say anything when I say the most heartfelt things. I've been talking separation and he just ignores me.

What an eye opening post! So true, I have always said actions speak louder than words... I can walk around telling everyone- everyday how nice I am and then kick them in the shins ... I'm guessing after a day or two... they would come to the conclusion that I am not so nice! :)

You hit the nail on the head..Ive heard..I love u, I swear I stayed at her house n slept n her bed but didnt touch her, I will never lie again, im going to really try....blah blah...ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

My wife speaks to me and says things to me I would never say to her (and if I did, she wouldn't tolerate it). Neither have any interest in sex - how could anyone? When the kidlets are up and out (4 more years), we have the conversation. I don't care about relationships or "finding someone" - gag - I just don't want to live the rest of my life walking on eggshells waiting for her to get mad (again) over something/anything. Mentally, I've made peace with what's coming - just hope my children don't hate me ('cause it'll be my fault - EVERYTHING is my fault). WTF was I thinking so many years ago?

Yeah after the verbal slap down I got last year I will never, (well I don't think I will ever) bring it up again unless we go to marital counseling.

Truth spoken.

I receive the classic non-verbal response: My silence is my answer. Which infers, please go away your questions are too uncomfortable because I may admit the truth.

Look at you, thinking, writing, trying to figure it out. Did he ever do that? My thoughts exactly.

Talk may be worthless but when it,s the right words its priceless smile

Hey, I agree One Hundred Precent.
Actions mean much more then words ever will.
And motives behind the actions define the character and their ambitions.

Bad deeds done for noble reasons are much more tolerable,
Then good deeds done for negative reasons...

My two cents...incase you needed one more random opinion from just some stranger :-)

amen

I just signed up here and I have come on to read maybe 4 times. Each and everytime I have come to your story. I see some similarity in my journey. Someone once told me something that really helped me. "If you want to change your life, change your behavior." Took me a while to figure it out. People that are around us learn our behavior. They know what we will do. They know what they can do, as well and get away with it. They know how we act, how we react, what are worst threat really is. So how do you change your behavior? It is difficult at first. You have to act, react and do the opposite of what you would normally do. When I first clued into it, I got rid of five friends. They were a bunch of users. I couldn't believe how much free time I had and a lot more money. Applying the magic to a spouse is a little more difficult. It has to be much more suttle with very odd moments to get their attention. Then steadily increase it. Not knowing what you are going to do is sort of a loss of control on his part.

yes... my ex was like that.. breaks promises all the time... says he feels bad but never does anything about it... he talks about leaving his ex and i tell him he won't cause he hasn't. Actions always speak louder then words.

So why are you still married? You seem very unhappy.

there is a book called "the 5 love languages" it talks about how everyone "speaks" a language of love and sometimes when we speak a different language than our significant other it causes our relationship to suffer. I don't know if this in any way will help you but I found it to be an eye opener. I did not see his love because I was looking for him to show me the same ways I showed him. turns out, he "spoke" a different language and once I saw that I was able to see the things that he felt were ways of showing love.
best wishes in this difficult time!

Unlike so many post I will resist the urge to slam the opposite sex simply because I made a bad choice. People get married for all the wrong reasons. Woman and men alreadyhave list they carry around and settle for someone who has a few characteristics that are at the top of their priority list. Then a few years down the road they are upset because they had their priorities screwed up to begin with. You look for best looking book on the shelf and find yourself unhappy with the story inside. Get your priorities in line. If you want a relationship where you get everything you want get a Hooker or friends with benefits. As for me I'm looking for a woman I'm willing to give all of myself to. Marriage is about giving. If the one you desire to be with doesn't already make you complete keep looking. Otherwise learn how to make your bad choice enough. Quit blaming all men or all women. Take responsibility for your choices

I know from experience that some people can live without sex and not suffer. It's when YOU can't that there is a problem. This should be discussion before moving in together and/or marrying each other. Sex is very important.

I have come to the conclusion the following is the necessary treatment:

1) have the person get blood work / hormones measured
2) have them take testosterone supplementation (men and women).. get their hornyness amped up .. ya know the "mojo" . Now they will be all juiced up but maybe a little confused by their ego / brain. Get enough so they feel like ******* naked in the park at noon during a work day.
3) Body issues (worried about how ya look).. get fit, eat right, and get over it .. (plus their probably so horny from step 2 it may not matter). The hot guys or girls at the gym will begin to peak their interest.
4) got mommy / daddy issues... fine .. have them do some "role play" (and / or see a therapist, sex or other). Maybe they can work this into some kinky sex.
5) Got religion issues? The religion is against hot sex or for anything other than procreation. Have them talk to a priest who is getting some on the side ... they'll be able to tell them how well abstinence worked for them...maybe they can change their mind. Also, have them read "Songs of Solomon" in the Old Testament (its like an erotic novel only translated from whatever they spoke back then).
6) Worried about how to perform in the bedroom. Have them get some ****... watch and learn. Go to a ***** club with your partner and get comfortable with the (hmmm) hotness .. then work it out on each other.
7) Dont have time for sex? Dont worry ... they'll be so horny and amped up from the testosterone, ****, and ***** clubs they'll want to take a week off from work to **** your brains out.

DISCLAIMER:
This protocol has not been approved by the American Medical Association, nor have clinical trials been done. There have been significant differences between the control group where they did nothing and wouldnt even take a placebo, and the test group that went through this protocol... In fact, every individual who took the protocol started buying sex toys, acting slutty or like a gigolo, and became a male or female ******** amoungst the sought after desired increased sexual compatibility between the two partners.

RESEARCH SUMMARY:
This stuff works...

OK ... thats my solution.

You ever read any of it?

Guess you didnt the "SATIRE" amusing........
Im in a sexless marriage and IM NOT THE REFUSER" !!
It was actually a release for me to write it ;-)

I'm glad someone understands me... lmfao ;-)

A friend of mine has truly pounded into my head through her actions and those of the men she has dated that actions speak louder than words. It is incredible how often people intend to do the best, but they fall flat. Yet, she CONTINUALLY fell for what they'd say and was then surprised when history repeated itself later leading to heartbreak. It is almost like she has a pair of love goggles that blind her. Time to take the damned things off, and keep them off!!

seems you have a big ole clue, act on it and take vera good self o' your own bad self!!

Amen sister

Spot on as our own honest intuition is usually the answer, yet most people wish to delude themselves and not face the reality of their situation..

You could try a different approach, maybe, make him realize that something that he holds close to his heart is at stake if he does not start taking things seriously. I understand that you must have tried everything in the book to make him a responsible person, but try looking at things from a different perspective, like, the glass is half full instead of empty etc etc.

sometimes when men cheat they can go into a form of numbness.. they live out fantasies until the mental stimulation of one woman just isnt enough.... I dont know from personal experience but I've seen this happen with some of the people I work with

Well said....it is true that actions speak louder than words...

Very well put. After a time; if the talk does not meet the action, it may be time to walk.

I couldn't have said it better myself. But my H dont say anything about anything. Help!

Very well put.

That is what I was trying to explain to the one I loved! But he always act like he was trying!!! Lie after lie.. and another excuse!! Finally he blamed me for being rough with him!

Words are doing nothing.. They are actually false promises..
We need ACTIONS!