Beyond The Pale ?

I've seen the word "eggshells" used in here lately.

I was at my daughter's Sunday helping her decorate her apartment (which I LOVE to do.)

After about an hour I get THE call: "Where ARE you?"

"I'm at ___________. What do you need?"

"When will you be back?"

(Irritated) What do you need, ______? What do you WANT?"

"You said you were going to Church. I just wanna know when you're comin' back."

Yadda yadda yadda - he hangs up the phone (w/out saying "Goodbye.")

Needless to say, the rest of the day was much diminished as a result of the call. As the day wore on I began to feel more and more anxious (and guilty abt even being there) about going home.

"Walking on eggshells" is how I feel around him.
Like anything can explode in a moment around our house.

It used to be him. It still is. But now it's me too.

I actually took a dining room chair recently, lifted it above my head and smashed it into smithereens on the dining room table in a recent episodic rage. There's a story to this but I'm afraid the details will bore you. I'm pretty sure you can imagine what they are. ("Control" is a main feature.)

What's all that all about?
Fool4Waiting Fool4Waiting
56-60, F
3 Responses Sep 18, 2012

Smashing the chair ... well... in abusive/unhealthy situations, people often cope by mimicking behavior. For example, and even keeled person who never raises their voice will eventually yell back if constantly yelled at. A non-violent person will often retaliate with violence in return. Unhealthy situations require so much self control, sometimes even the most disciplined slip, or the calmest lose their cool.

All you can do is work on creating an environment that doesn't foster this kind of behavior from you... and only you. It is up to your partner, at this point, to be responsible for his own actions.

And co-dependency... you need to concentrate on getting away from co-dependent behaviors. You should have been able to go about your day, enjoy your day, no matter how your partner felt about you being there. You are enabling his controlling behavior by feeling guilty and anxious about an activity that was perfectly fine for you to be doing! Feeling guilty about spending time with your daughter is not ok. You shouldn't allow him to make you feel bad about that.

Hugs to you!

I see you've maybe been there. ;)

Sure have. :)

To different degrees. Right now, I've done a pretty good job of breaking away from the co-dependency. But, there have been moments when I simply didn't have the energy to fight or pay the price dished out for 'defying' my partner. And other moments where I was right there with them in the awful behavior.

If we keep searching for it... we'll find our paths, right! :)

I think so. For me, that chair smashing represented an end to my suffering.

It represented I didn't give a **** about our home and household - I was finished trying to hold together - shore up - patch in - a sinking (lost) ship.

It was a turning point.

It was about the time I joined this group.

That's good for you. Get yourself a tattoo ... or maybe a necklace with a chair charm to remind yourself to go your new way. ;) All the best to you!

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1) He think you are having an affair, or hopes you are, and wants to catch you
2) He is having an affair, and wants to know when he has to send his lover away
3) He likes having control over your whereabouts, just to exert control
4) He likes to play little mindgames, he knows this will drive you crazy so he does it just for that (i.e., true psychopathy)...

Question is, when are you gonna stop playing into any of these scenarios and just move on with your own sweet life? You've got everything going for you, as you know.

"You've got everything going for you, as you know."

I wish I believed that.

They make you feel guilty about whatever and whenever you do something correct? But he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He has you in training to be at his beck and call!!

Here's how it works: I encourage him to go out of the house because I'm SO MUCH HAPPIER when he's NOT in it. I could care less what he does. He couldn't care more about what I do. It's unsettling and you always feel like you're living under a thunder cloud; about to be hit by lightning at any moment.

There's that saying, "If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty." I wonder if there's a connection (in)to adult behavior?

I never look at it that way! That is a great point!!!

"I wonder if there's a connection (in)to adult behavior" If your parents were shaming, and someone else comes along and shames you...I believe you are way more likely to accept it-it feels so familiar.

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