My Own RoomI thought earlier that asking for a separate bedroom would be the beginning of the end.
I'm still inclined to think it is.
However...I asked her Sunday if she'd ever felt lust for any other person. She said no. Never.
That says to me that I will never have my sexual desires attended to by her in a way that keeps me satisfied. This Sunday...we got in an argument because I thought she was going to the hardware store-and I thought "Oo, time for a quick ****** before I go to my meeting!"
I walked out with "Franklin" in my hand, and there she was, scratching her back on the textured wall...So I held up Franklin shamefacedly, asked her if she was going to the hardware store to please do that, I'd like some privacy.
She got angry because she felt I'd just about thrown her out of the house. No, I just feel embarrassed at her "catching me" ************.
Honestly, I also want to be able to include videos of happy people having sex into my own solo sex, and I'd like to have privacy for that too.
I've gotten to feel like...I can only rarely do anything to sexually suit her. That I have to do it *just* right, she can't have gotten upset in the past few hours...she has to be calm, I have to have given her advanced notice, I have to light candles but not the one over her head...she can't be distracted, she can't be busy, except she's always busy.
I can't joke with her, I can't ramble away at her as I am wont to do in the sack, I can't relax with her, I have to do it JUST RIGHT if I want her to be the least little bit into it at all.
Maybe I should think about pulling out my Tarot cards and doing a reading before approach, right?
So I told her I want her to approach. I don't think she will.
I have come to the decision that I just want to be able to get off like a grownup without having her clomp in and be all like "oh!" while acting like I'm engaging in something gross.
Something else...The first and probably last time we had sex my way, I was gladly and loudly appreciative...and then she said "You know, I was imagining a chimpanzee looking on and nodding, thinking ,'I can understand that.' "
Then we did it about a month later and she said "You're like a dog humping my leg!"
That and the years of repulsion, the years of her rolling her eyes at me for "relieving myself," mostly refusing to allow me to pleasure her, servicing me and leaving...She didn't understand how miserable she was making me, because there is an entire part of me she just cannot comprehend.
That's the answer. That's why.
That's just sad...not her fault...
They don't tell people that there is such a thing as an asexual, that it's ok to be asexual.
She only knew one way to be and that's sexual-that's the model people get forced into. She's been trying to force herself into it; I've been trying to stomp my sex drive down for her for 10 years because she couldn't hide all of her discomfort with it.
...She's gotten me to be disgusted with myself as a sexual being.
That's not ok. I decided that last weekend.
It's not ok for her to make me feel wrong about being sexual. She knew I was sexual all along...she put up with it for a while...then stopped.
I guess she was giving it the college try or something?
So I'm doing 2 things...I am asking for my own room, so I can deal with my own needs without feeling humiliated. And I am going to take a bit of spironolactone...as much for my own comfort as hers.
Last weekend she said that she was broken and cried...
I felt very sad for her.
I wish I could be the asexual person she needs to partner with her. I want to be what she needs.
But I'm really, really not.
I just don't see that a marriage between a sexual person and an asexual can work.
I have been playing phone tag with the couples' counselor. I'd really like to tell my wife about the separate bedrooms thing with the counselor present...I'm not 100% ready to tell her we just need to (hopefully) have a friendly divorce. Quite honestly, if she wants to divorce but still live in another room as a roomie, I would be ok with that...she's likely to get recruited and move at some point. Maybe I can work towards getting an RV to live in or something, although I just want to save up cash ATM...and go back to college part-time.
She is a brilliant, good-hearted person. Just incredibly unable to figure out other people.
I never wanted to hurt her....I feel selfish, I feel incredibly guilty.
I feel ashamed of myself for not being able to join her in asexual bliss.
But at the same time...I feel lighter right now.