My Own Room

I thought earlier that asking for a separate bedroom would be the beginning of the end.
I'm still inclined to think it is.
However...I asked her Sunday if she'd ever felt lust for any other person.  She said no.  Never.

That says to me that I will never have my sexual desires attended to by her in a way that keeps me satisfied. This Sunday...we got in an argument because I thought she was going to the hardware store-and I thought "Oo, time for a quick ****** before I go to my meeting!" 
I walked out with "Franklin" in my hand, and there she was, scratching her back on the textured wall...So I held up Franklin shamefacedly, asked her if she was going to the hardware store to please do that, I'd like some privacy.
She got angry because she felt I'd just about thrown her out of the house.  No, I just feel embarrassed at her "catching me" ************. 
Honestly, I also want to be able to include videos of happy people having sex into my own solo sex, and I'd like to have privacy for that too.

I've gotten to feel like...I can only rarely do anything to sexually suit her.  That I have to do it *just* right, she can't have gotten upset in the past few hours...she has to be calm, I have to have given her advanced notice, I have to light candles but not the one over her head...she can't be distracted, she can't be busy, except she's always busy. 
I can't joke with her, I can't ramble away at her as I am wont to do in the sack, I can't relax with her, I have to do it JUST RIGHT if I want her to be the least little bit into it at all.
Maybe I should think about pulling out my Tarot cards and doing a reading before approach, right?
So I told her I want her to approach.  I don't think she will.
I have come to the decision that I just want to be able to get off like a grownup without having her clomp in and be all like "oh!" while acting like I'm engaging in something gross.

Something else...The first and probably last time we had sex my way, I was gladly and loudly appreciative...and then she said "You know, I was imagining a chimpanzee looking on and nodding, thinking ,'I can understand that.' "
Then we did it about a month later and she said "You're like a dog humping my leg!"

That and the years of repulsion, the years of her rolling her eyes at me for "relieving myself," mostly refusing to allow me to pleasure her, servicing me and leaving...She didn't understand how miserable she was making me, because there is an entire part of me she just cannot comprehend.
That's the answer. That's why.

That's just sad...not her fault...
They don't tell people that there is such a thing as an asexual, that it's ok to be asexual. 

She only knew one way to be and that's sexual-that's the model people get forced into.  She's been trying to force herself into it; I've been trying to stomp my sex drive down for her for 10 years because she couldn't hide all of her discomfort with it. 

...She's gotten me to be disgusted with myself as a sexual being. 
That's not ok.  I decided that last weekend. 
It's not ok for her to make me feel wrong about being sexual.  She knew I was sexual all along...she put up with it for a while...then stopped.
I guess she was giving it the college try or something?

So I'm doing 2 things...I am asking for my own room, so I can deal with my own needs without feeling humiliated.  And I am going to take a bit of much for my own comfort as hers.
Last weekend she said that she was broken and cried...
I felt very sad for her. 
I wish I could be the asexual person she needs to partner with her.  I want to be what she needs.
But I'm really, really not.
I just don't see that a marriage between a sexual person and an asexual can work.

I have been playing phone tag with the couples' counselor.  I'd really like to tell my wife about the separate bedrooms thing with the counselor present...I'm not 100% ready to tell her we just need to (hopefully) have a friendly divorce.  Quite honestly, if she wants to divorce but still live in another room as a roomie, I would be ok with that...she's likely to get recruited and move at some point.  Maybe I can work towards getting an RV to live in or something, although I just want to save up cash ATM...and go back to college part-time.

She is a brilliant, good-hearted person. Just incredibly unable to figure out other people.
I never wanted to hurt her....I feel selfish, I feel incredibly guilty.
I feel ashamed of myself for not being able to join her in asexual bliss.
But at the same time...I feel lighter right now.
hylierandom hylierandom
8 Responses Sep 18, 2012

Good for you. For 11 years of a 13 year marriage we were absolutely celibate.He didn't want anything to do with sex in any form and eventually would just kiss my forehead goodnight.He was complaining about the fact I liked to read in bed so I got my own room after a while. It took me 11 years of tears wondering what was wrong with me,begging him to go to counseling before I realized I had to go.Life is too short to sit and wait for things to change for the better.And if you are working on it alone,it will never happen.
I send you good wishes and a touch of inner strength to do what's best for you for a change.

Good lord, you should not feel guilty for your sexuality. Life is too short to stay in such a miserable relationship. My regards to Franklin.

Is this relationship doing anyone, that is ANYONE, any good ?

Who ?

How ?

Tread your own path.

"Franklin" - ha!

Umm...sort of after Ben Franklin, the scientist and revolutionary. One of his not-well-known accomplishments was fathering 17 illegitimate children... truly a Founding Father of the United States... ;p

Before you decide to get an Rv talk to me first. I lived in one for years. I know all the pros and cons from firsthand experience. I have some great memories and some real horror stories.

I've lived in one, I just (a) bought a really crappy trailer, and (b) decided I wanted to shack up with the naggy ex-BF. But I liked living in the RV itself, and in the RV park.

I wasn't so fortunate and lived on the streets, so my experience isn't so relative to yours.

Don't feel ashamed... and yes tell her (don't ask her) your moving out of the bedroom to your oown room. Thats what I did... and for the very reason you want to do it. She would call me all kinds of rude names when she caught me ************.

Ouch. She just acts embarrassed, but that's enough...and when I say asking, it's more like "I need this, it is going to happen, please co-operate."

Also... Why would you want to take a drug to reduce your sex drive? Just enjoy it... while you still have it. Consider this fact... most women over the age of 45 ( 70 % from the most recent survey) do not want sex... weather married or not. Some where the education system failed us men and didn't tell us this secret.

Ummm...they forgot to tell us women that, too.

I'm 39, and right now I'm about as randy as I was when I was a teenager.

Since I do most of the cleaning in our home... I ABSOLUTELY know... she has NO toys for herself..... and she always sleeps with her door open. I sleep and play with my door closed...
I rather enjoy keeping my prostate healthy... on an almost daily basis still... lol

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Your wife isn't necessarily asexual simply because she's not felt "lust for any other person." In fact, I interpreted that question as your asking her if she felt desire for any person OTHER THAN YOU. She may have interpreted it that way as well.

If your wife had limited sexual experience before you, she may not be aware of the universe of sexual pleasure that exists. It may be that you and she were simply never sexually compatible. I know that's tough to hear because it sounds like you've really tried.

In any event, my husband's slept in a separate bedroom for 15years or more. Do that only if you're serious about ending your marriage. There's nothing quite like lack of intimacy to cause a marriage to devolve to the point of mere roommates & companions.

I don't like the things your wife has said to you during sex. They're not nice and they're not respectful. You should let her know this. Nothing in your post indicates that she's out to deliberately hurt you. Has she ever watched a **** video with you? This is a tough one. Such vids are incredibly arousing, but Christian upbringings can really mess w/a girl's head -- making them terribly guilt and anxiety-filled things to watch.

Hope things work out for you. I know what it feels like to want one's spouse out of the room so you can watch a vid & find SOME pleasure in taking care of yourself!

The whole question was "Have you ever felt lustful-that is looked at someone's body and wanted to be sexual with it, throughout the entire span of your life?" She replied "No, I would just randomly get aroused, it was never about any particular person." She hated being aroused and still does, she said it feels like she's out of control, being attacked.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I thought I was reading about myself. I spend most of my time on the sofa because I just can't stand sleeping with my husband knowing that he does not want me the same way I want him. It hurts so much.. So many people going through what you and I are going through. It really sucks!
Good luck.

I have read that asexuals are 1% of the population. I am suspecting there must be a LOT more asexuals than advertised, because, by gawd, we find 'em. I know my wife feels ashamed of not being lustful...I don't want her to be ashamed! I want her to be who she is and happy, I want to happily be who I am. We CAN'T do that in a sexually-exclusive marriage!

Sounds like you care very much for your wife. I know my husband says he just does not know how. This I have a hard time understanding as I feel if you love someone it should just happen.

When you include married couples that have sex just a few times a year, the number for women jumps up to 15%. My guess is that many asexual partners engage in some pity sex just too keep their partner in line.

@ CK: It does "just happen" because we are sexual...Yeah, she has said she just doesn't understand it...Again, I forgot that she means things VERY literally.@ R23: For the past couple of years she has...well, pleasured me. I tried to make that enough. But it felt so much like "HO-NEY! please take out the trash, do some dishes and help me get off!"

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