Normal Sexual Frequency Is Totally Up To You

I used to fight with my Wife about a lack of sex all the time - particularly when we got married. It never got better when we had children either. Oh she was frisky as heck when she wanted to become pregnant and then when she got pregnant wham no sex for a long while and then infrequently there afterwards.

Fixing this problem took time and analysis.

She wore t-shrts, and sweat shirts and cotton panties plus boxer shorts or sweat pants to bed. it was like sleeping with a guy. Getting her naked was nearly impossible. I fixed the problem in stages. The first was great birth control - for us this is an IUD - a paraguard - the copper one. Nothing for her to do and no vasectomy or condoms thanks very much - you can sell it that if she wants to have another baby she can simply by removing it. Next on the list is sleep wear. She insisted on wearing panties - those UGLY horrible cotton panties - nope - I bought her satin, silk and a variety of styles from strings to my favourite which are tap panties - French knickers with no elastic at the legs - open leg panties and I can get at all her best parts with her wearing them and without any need to ever remove them. Instead of T-shirts we have a variety of beautiful tops from short camisoles to full length night gowns. All that is needed is to hike up one of those gowns and you have full access under her skirt.

Foreplay - she liked massages - I never met a woman who did not like long sensual full respectful massages over their body. She likes getting oral sex - ok study up on this one gentlemen and get good at it and be enthusiastic. She liked Morning sex because she was too tired at bed time so we wake early enough to devote more than an hour to one another. Next on the list - schedule sex and lay out her sleep wear to start with. I started with three days a week - eventually we enjoyed ourselves enough that it morphed into daily sex after doing it every second day for a year or so. Let me fill you in on something - she likes ******* just as much as you do so make darn sure she enjoys herself and then you will get what you want.

Oh and help out around the house too - she likes that. Also don't tell her you love her so much show her you love her. Make dinner....

I took her with to buy a lingerie chest - a pretty mahogany one and i filled it up too.

Get the idea guys? You want sex? Great now what are you willing to do to get it? Are you willing to make your Wife happy and secure and comfortable and LOVED? Get this right and you will get more sex if you do it properly - I do and I can assure you it is worth this and much more than this.

Now you know where to send your cheques to.....And my advice to you is worth a lot more than money.
pdqsailor1 pdqsailor1
51-55, M
6 Responses Sep 18, 2012

I think you and I married sisters. She wore granny panties when we first got married. The real kicker was she wore a teddy to bed and had a pair of beige grannys on underneath. That was it. We had a few sessions with a marriage counselor .then things started to loosen up.

Mine tried the same thing with the panties under a Teddy - the first time she put one one - She got the idea on her own to go with just the Teddy. She loves Teddies now. I just bought another one for her tonight. Cotton panties - she can wear them during the day if she likes but NEVER to bed. She has much nicer panties to wear during the day too - very nice things. The ones for bed time are even nicer still. I buy a lot of silk for her - her favourite. I do not buy slutty things - classic even modest things but in the bedroom - there is always access and even a panty girdle works for me in terms of access - I get her ones with high cut legs and I like it when she wears one - she is tight as a drum with it compressing her abdomen and it is worth the bit of extra effort to get into her.

It's great to post what has worked for you, because your experience can spark ideas. But it is VERY SILLY to insist that this will work for the other husbands in this group. Your wife's reasons for refusing sex were her own. Most of the other husbands here have wives with other reasons for refusing.

Some spouses are deeply angry, and therefore have no interest in sex unless they fix the underlying problems in their marriages. Some spouses are dealing with physical problems that they're too ashamed to admit. Some are affected by the trauma of past sexual abuse or assault. Some are "stuck" in life, generally, and may refuse to grow and get "unstuck." Some spouses refuse sex in order to emotionally abuse their partners. Some have mental health problems.

It seems really presumptuous to insist that these husbands can fix their problems by following your advice, because this dismisses the seriousness and uniqueness of their situations. It's like those who advise us to just "light some scented candles," or "be romantic" or whatever.

If birth control, lingerie, and stubbornness were all it takes, this group would not exist. I guarantee: the vast majority of these husbands have already tried similar methods and then some. You're fortunate that you found the way to your wife's sexual good graces. But I'm not sure you realize just HOW unique your good fortune is.

I am not saying it is simple I never said it was simple - It was far from simple and every situation is different. What I am saying is that it was a battle to get there AND that the result of fixing the problem is worth it. The way you walk round the world is to take a step - then another one. Sooner or later you will get there and the destination is worth the effort.

Oh and yes I know exactly how fortunate I am and how rare it is that my Dear Wife allows me to make love to her as often as she does. She has learned the benefits of it as well. Her body is as Taught as any young woman, we never seem to get ill - even colds, I have lost weight, we almost never quarrel, we are relaxed and we enjoy being with each other out of the bedroom. There is a glow about her all the time and a spring in her step. This is the destination and we have been married for over 23 years. It took most of those years to get here and it was FAR from easy, or simple. People are angry? Ok get past it and fix what the problems are to the extent they can be fixed. There is a reason to be married and one key part of it is engaging in marital relations and doing it frequently and regularly. There are economic reasons, societal ones, raising children etc. There is not enough emphasis on sex with your spouse and it has to be a priority. So decide what is important and focus. If there are problems eliminate them.

Some people are angry and will not get past it. Some people have problems and refuse to, or cannot, solve them. And their spouses know: place more emphasis on sex, and the refuser will finally end the marriage, or worse, stay and abuse them. It's great that you have solved your problem and rekindled your sex life. But it is just NOT TRUE that everyone else can do the same.

Even the title of this post, "Normal Sexual Frequency Is Totally Up to You," shows a kind of blindness to the reality for many sexless spouses. In a marriage where the refuser will not engage in problem-solving or being receptive to change... and where rape is obviously not an option... sexual frequency is NOT "totally up to you." It takes TWO to tango. You cannot force someone to have sex with you-- and if you do, that is a crime.

Oh now who is showing blindness? What I am saying is no one has to accept living in a sexless marriage. I am saying either convince co-operation and work it out or get out - living one or more years in a marriage without sex - well a marriage without sex is no marriage so it is over if you allow it to get to that point. Time to go and start over elsewhere. No one advocates rape - not you I hope but no one is suggesting that this be accepted either - fix it or get the heck out and do not waste time doing it either. Sex is a fundamental part of marriage - full stop - it is an integral part of the definition.

If I sound less than sympathetic - sorry - I am not blind - I am blessed and let me assure you that my refusal to accept mediocrity and excuses in what I consider a key aspect of marriage bore results. yes it takes two to tango but it takes one partner to steer the program to a success. It comes down to deciding what you want and getting it. I happen to have an outstanding spouse who simply did not get it and the issue had to be forced - she gets it now - we both do :-). and we are the better for it Decide what you want and go and get it and be stubborn about it because it is worth it.

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Help around the house:... hmmmm I did most all the cleaning ... cooking and laundry anyways... so thats out..
massages:... every time I ever tried... I was pushed away...
scented candles:... hmmm.. she HATES any scented air fresheners...
morning sex: ... she loved making sure we had one child or another between us in bed... so that was out too.
Sleep wear... : doesn't do much good if she refuses to come to bed till after I'm asleep
Hmmm how about a special night out... like an anniversary... take her out dining... dancing... drinks.... a romantic hotel... and then was told I was treating her like a hooker if I expected sex...

Well there is certainly nothing in this story that helped me in any way... and lord knows I tried EVERYTHING

That's pretty funny.

All kinds I guess.

We'll be deleted too I guess.
Matter of time?

I never said it was easy to get here. What I said is that every bit of effort was more than worthwhile once we did. it was like war and it took years of persistent effort and fine tuning and battles to achieve results. I sent messages and if they were not accepted I made a direct connection to consequences. I have a friend who describes sex as a "misdemeanour " I said what? He explained that the more he misses it the meaner he gets. Guess what connecting a lack of sex to negative stimuli and the reverse situation is communication. They call it marital relations and it is a - perhaps the key reason for being married. Driving that point home and sticking to the message is not easy but getting the message sent is worth while. I don't want to sleep with a sister I want to bed my WIFE. Decide what you want and insist upon getting and then make the most of it and build upon it. I don't want another woman I wanted the woman I married and as often as possible. I have what I want and I don't have to look elsewhere. I don't need **** - I have everything I can handle right here at home.

I decided long ago... we havn't had sex in ten years now.... I moved out of the bedroom.... and havn't even touched her in any way, shape or form since. I could NEVER even if she changed... have sex with her again. I completely withdrew from her. The woman I married is gone forever

Then WHY are you there? Ten years - I could not hold my breath for ten minutes let alone ten years. Leave at once and rebuild your life. In my religious observance there are obligations on both the husband and the wife where marital relations are concerned. Marital relations are the right of the wife and the husband can not deny her. Similarly the Wife can not withhold marital relations for any reason from her husband or she would forgo the substantive settlement set out in the marriage contract. Go find someone else - I know there are women out there who want a husband and understand that marital relations are entirely normal and part of living a proper life. There is no point in discussing this - you should have left after three months not ten years.

The reason I havn't left now... is I am only home 5 days a month anyways... and it doesn't make scence for me to have a seperate household that sits empty anyways.

At my age... its too late to start over now. Whats out there for a 60 yr old guy? A whole bunch of other women who have no interest in sex ?

I had a friend who at age 67 had an affair. Out of that affair came a little girl. His Wife got ill fifteen years later and died. Well that little girl grew up and at age 88 she met him for the first time. He fell in love with his Daughter and he married her Mother - he lived to one week past his 100th birthday and she read his Eulogy - her Mother was in her fifties when he married her and he did not need Viagra - his last dozen years where the happiest of his life - he did it ALL - don't tell me it is too late - it is not too late until they pack dirt over you. The man was a legend.

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You both worked on the problem in your marriage. The problem with the huge majority in this group is the sexless partner doesn't see there is a problem.Yea... mine used the pregnancy excuse ... but absolutely REFUSED to go on birth control. I did man up... went and got a vesectomy... and guess what... our seual frequency went down even more... she just found new excuses to not have sex

Even after the IUD it was not easy or quick by any means. When I started with the lingerie she did not want to wear it very often and grumbled - a lot. I would lay it on her pillow at bedtime, she would not wear it and then I would stay very silent for a few days - laying it on her pillow until the "message" got through. The messsage did eventually get through. It was a bit of a war. I did my level best to do everything possible to please her when it came down to it. I think this was perhaps the single most important thing I did was to take our time and do everything I could to make sex as pleasurable a pursuit as possible. I was getting older and condoms just were not cutting it for me - the lack of sensation was horrible - I hated them and started experiencing difficulties maintaining an erection even when having sexual relations. This went by the wayside without them and with more frequency stayed by the wayside. The lingerie - the variety kept and keeps things interesting for BOTH of us. it always seems new and we continue to learn - We seem to now have a disposition that leads us to silks and I love the vintage styles on her in particular. I was very persistent in insisting on sex and setting a schedule initially really helped - randomness does not work - a schedule works - well it sure did for us.

A schedule eh.... hmmm.. I worked at 5 am for years... and her bedtime rarely was before 2 am. Her job was to hmmmm ... take care of the kids while I worked and I would come home... (working a split shift) at 10 am... the kids were up... not fed... and shes still in bed...work a time on that schedule

She has to be induced, convinced what ever to shift to your hours. I can see no particular reason in what you said for her to be up to 2 am - none. So that is where you start. There are inducements for co-operation and massive and regular penalties for lack of compliance. Training and changing behaviour is what this is about. This is not easy stuff - if it was easy ..... I never said it was easy what I said was that the result when you get there is worth every bit of the battle. The first part of any change is deciding what you want - then go do it.

Her reason to be up till 2 am.... to avoid sex period. I remember begging.pleading.... being so horny it hurt... bring so lonely it hurt... and her telling me ... I'm just going to read one more chapter... yea... one more chapter took till 2 am.... and I took care of myself. I remember one occasion... after staying awake... finally *********** myself.... and she was pissed off when I turned her down... because I had only 4 hours till I had to be up for work. That was the ONLY time... I ever turned her down.

Every so often my children try this crap with me. I sit them down and describe something they like to do or want to have and tell them that they won't be doing it or getting it until I get some co-operation from them. Then I stick to my guns and I can be a terror about it when I do it - oh they whine, they complain and worse but it does not help them - they KNOW I mean business. It was much the same with my wife when I set out lingerie on her pillow early on and she did not put it on - she got NOTHING in terms of co-operation from me until it went on and we had sex. Now this was not a lot of fun mind you but eventually the point got made and eventually the lingerie was off the pillow and on her. You want to go where? We need groceries? Really? you don't say? Did you happen to notice that beautiful lingerie on your pillow dear? When you deal with my needs then we can deal with some of yours - do you understand? Meanwhile do not ask me for ANYTHING until you come to grips with this issue first. Then we can see about your needs. The notation about sex being a "misdemeanour" is true - the more I miss it the meaner I get. Behaviour modification is what this is about and making a deal. There is a battle to be had - make no doubt about it and both sides will come out victorious if you know going in what the purpose of the war is going to be. I have been through this war and let me assure you that it was not easy. We are talking eighteen years of work here but the destination was worth it.

Yea... I got mean... outright nasty in some cases... Read my stories... you will see... and it did me no good.

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Do it properly? now that depends on the woman your having sex with? surly? now me I like having sex with no clothes on? but thats just me!

Yes of course it depends on the woman. In my case lingerie - respectful sensual things was a suitable substitute for "T" shirts, cotton panties, Boxer shorts, sweat shirts and sweat pants - the very memory makes me shudder. This was something we could compromise upon to make her feel comfortable, respected, pretty, valued and loved while at the same time making her physically accessible for marital relations and not making me feel like I was sleeping with my Brother. Not all women are comfortable sleeping naked and my Dear Wife is one of them. She does feel comfortable sleeping in a silk nightgown and that night gown lifts up when we want it too which suits me just fine.

Don't get me wrong pdqsailor I'm not comfortable taking my clothes off, but with my man my husband? or am I getting this marriage thing wrong? after all I do have a divorce under my belt not to mention a bunch of broken hearts, but if you canny be comfortable with your life partner...then, well I don't get it? my husband was the only person who I could really be 'me' with, you know we knew each other inside n out, but that might be where we went wrong cos we were best friends and the more years we spent together (15 in total) the more friends
we became the less lovers we were, so what do I know, if it works for you and your wife then all the better.....

I need go re-think my relationships.......

She was rarely comfortable being naked - it was not just around me she likes having clothes on. What I was not prepared to accept was sleeping with my wife who was dressed up in clothes that made her look like a guy. She has a fantastic figure - she has NEVER gained an ounce - not even much when pregnant and she dropped that weight in a week - it was spooky how fast she bounced back. She does not like showing that figure - even to me but she accepted pretty lingerie and for us it worked - not for everyone but it is one element to what worked. I have guy friends but I only have one Wife and I decided to put the marital relations back into marriage and as often as possible. I did not get married to have a buddy I got married to have a Wife, a partner and a lover. We have 24 hours in every day - I spend one of those making love to her as the first thing on my to do list every morning. So decide and then act.

Well I gotta hand it to you, you sound like the perfect man, but not even me is totally sold. After you've done all this for 'her' what does she do back? after all marriage for what ever reasons is a two way thing, right?

I had to really think about an appropriate reply. Yes you are correct that marriage is a two way street. I went to a lot of effort to convince her that we should make love every day if possible and she has "consented" and "allowed" me to ramp up our pace to this level. I do all I can to provide her with as much pleasure as I can and to make her as comfortable, loved, respected and valued asI can. Good and frequent sex is a valuable gift we share with one another. Let me assure you it builds the quality of our relationship and it makes our marriage better. As to the two way nature - I look at the partnership as a division of duties and here we divide up our tasks not equally but according to who is good at what etc. It seems to work.

you don't have to assure me. I have never felt that sex was a 'duty' as sex is something I enjoy very much. What I don't understand is you had to 'convince' your wife then you had to have her consent and permission to make love? if you love someone and you still 'fancied' them why would you have to get their permission and consent? then you've got to convince them into having sex? it sounds....? I don't quite know how to put it without sounding offensive? look if it work's for you guy's all well and good and I'm happy for you both

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Hmmm.... marry me?? ;-)