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Are You Also Just Part Of The Background?

so illustrative:

i have been wanting to cut my hair into a shorter style that i know looks good on me for some time. finally went and did it yesterday. i love it. so me, and this is very similar to how my hair was when he and i met.

so my daughter looks at me and says "mommy did you get a really nice haircut? i love it!!!!" with enthusiasm and sincerity.

he walks in, looks at me, and says nothing. but the expression on his face? not good.

i've come to expect that.

but, here, in one experience, crystallizes: i feel like a defective piece of furniture when he looks at me.

whatever---it's time to start living for me, and doing what *i* like from here out.

smithy8015 smithy8015 46-50, F 15 Responses Sep 19, 2012

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you said it! and that's why the questions re: exit plan checklist. i want to be extra careful & very thorough ahead of time. b/c once in the heat of discussion with him.... logic & ration flies in the fray. so, better to be as best prepared as possible.

you are so right.

Much of what you have written suggests to me he is a control freak. If so, he will never be happy with any decision / choice / action that HE didn't instigate. So unless you are prepared to be a complete doormat AND like it (!!!), this ain't ever gonna work out, my friend. Sorry!

girl power

Yay! You are worth it! Xxx

ray: i think it's a case of he'll be isolated.

but...it's by his own choice.

he isolates himself...through his own choices & behaviour.

there must: yes, same with my H. i can repeat myself 8x. he doesn't hear. i have started sending e mails to hs office when it relates to school events/important stuff. so when he claims i didn't tell him? i have written "proof."

SO over this s--t.

i often believe te ignoring/failure to hear s deliberate & another punitive/controlling measure. but i ain't no phd.

so today @ work, more great reactions to the new 'do. fellow coworkers all like it. makes me look younger. stylish. sexy. cute. pretty.

it's funny, i thought i'd be more affected by his (non) reaction. but i'm not. & that's the best part of this.

thanks for your comments, all.

f4w: side note--he used to note, and comment (negatively) on every.friggin.aspect. of me, my appearance, my actions, etc, and yada. it's a relief to only federal with te hypercritical aspect of him on about 50% of what he used to dole out. it's still way too much to deal with. ;)

Yeah, I recognise this. My husband once told me that he liked having me around. In his eyes he was saying something nice to me. *rolls eyes* Made me feel like a knackered old chair that he liked having in the background. Not my idea of marriage. Not my idea of how to live my precious life. Good for you for doing nice things for you. Keep going. It starts to feel better and better. x

Defective piece of furnature. What a perfect turn of phrase! Defective is how my Dad made me feel and how my STBX made me feel. And I took that on as the truth, beating myself up beyond what they ever did. Thank God my son makes me feel otherwise. Your daughter sees you and sees what's going on. Throw off the defective label, stand up for yourself and you will thrive. Which will do your daughter good.

Live long and prosper!

WTG ...Doing things that make you feel good helps so much.I think it's a great step forward regardless of his indifference .

Changing the person who looks back from the mirror, was one of the first steps I took in reclaiming myself. Good for you, smithy! Typically, once these emblems of healthy individuality and propriety begin growing, a spouse begins to feel unsettled. It's a sign that you are leaving. Not necessarily physically, but that you are moving to a different place emotionally. Once enough of those happen, they find themselves alone, and need to make a choice. You have chosen you. Be confident in that choice.

I totally agree. The fear factor sets in and they start making small overtures to see if you still care or are on your way out.

What a timely title! H and I had an unusually useful conversation recently. In the course of chit-chat, he says: "Well, you talk to yourself so much <"so much" meaning "over the years">, how would I know you were talking to me?" My response: "I was under the impression that I've been talking to you all this time."

You could see the light bulb go off for him. Really? All these years he hasn't been answering my attempts at conversation because he thought I was talking to myself? How ridiculous!

yeah, background.

Oh. Another thing. I've had more than one man tell me that when a woman cuts her hair there are big changes coming.

Just sayin'.

<p>
<p>smithy8015,</P><br />
<br />
<br />
<p>I know about just being part of the background. I've had a beard the entire 25-yrs my W and I have been together. About a year ago I decided to shave it off. I thought it made me look younger. All of my friends noticed right away and commented how nice I looked. Some 2-weeks after I shaved it off my wife said, "When did you shave your beard off?" Enough said?</P><br />
<p></P>

I'm sure it does make you look younger!

Two weeks?

There's a flip side to that.

I call it "The Investigator."

There isn't oNE THING I can do he doesn't notice (and criticize.)
Immediately.
He's always watching, waiting...

Count your blessings?

I dunno which is better...

I have grave doubts that you are the defective party in this dysfunctional marriage sister smithy. Your story of a couple of days ago read like this is not his first rodeo and that in all likelyhood his intimacy averse nature was what torpedoed his first marriage too.

The philosophy of starting "living for you" is a pretty sound principle to start from, but getting down to the nuts and bolts of what that is going to mean, the choices ahead of you, and how to best manage the process would be a more tangible area to start thinking about.

Tread your own path.