The Discovery.

I've clicked the "inappropriate for kids under 18" button on this one. The easily offended should be forewarned...

My marriage is sex-lite.  We'll celebrate 25yrs of marital status on a transatlantic cruise this year.  We're likely to have sex then, I suppose. 

I read, with interest, the stories of all the people here for whom lack of sex (or in some cases, affection)  is SUCH a huge punishment, they are willing to end marriages for that reason alone.  Perhaps I have a high tolerance for pain.  I recognize these things are missing in my marriage, but they are insufficient motivation for me to end it.  I was only willing to leave my marriage once -- when I felt my husband was being physically & emotionally abusive to my (admittedly difficult) adopted daughter.  Police intervention, counseling, his decision to basically quit parenting her -- and her high school graduation, curtailed that decision. 

My husband has been totally unwilling to either leave our marriage or have an open one.  We have sort of a hybrid "don't ask/don't tell" agreement.  That was tested by the same daughter noted above, when she angrily announced my current affair to my husband.  He pretended not to hear her.  He's not leaving me and I'm not leaving him.  With no more kids at home, we now have a working companionship . .  . and occasional sex -- usually after some kind of good news.

There's only one new wrinkle in this complacent existence.  Until recently, I was pretty sure I could achieve climax only via oral sex.  As my husband isn't a huge fan of that activity (and I'm not a fan of charity), I don't typically initiate sexual activity.  I had an opportunity to spend a night with a friend a couple of weeks ago and had the surprise of my life when I completely LOST it and suspected I temporarily blacked out during a prolonged bout of acrobatic activity. 

A few days later, a tv special aired on the female ******, and the g-spot myth.  Turns out that vaginal ******* are actually clitoral (from the other side) and the "spot" is more like an entire muscle mass!!  Who knew?!  That show was illuminating.  I decided to try to recreate my experience of the previous week at home, myself.  SUCCESS.  TWICE!!!  OMG.  I can DO this!!!   Further, I discovered that multiples, too overstimulating the other way, were TOTALLY possible now!  It took awhile, but now that I know what it's supposed to feel like, I've been thinking about sex 24/7.  

This is a tragedy.  Yeah, I know.  Confusing huh?  My husband WANTS more sex and would be willing to accommodate me.  Now that I've discovered the "what's-in-it-for-me" part of the whole thing, you'd think I could now quit the group, right?  Wrong. For 25+yrs, I swore to my husband that his physical "shortcomings" were of no consequence, as that wasn't the part of his anatomy that did anything for me anyway.  No matter how much I told him I strayed because I needed his affection, he chose to believe the reason to be his inability to satisfy me physically.  This apparently made my behavior more understandable/acceptable to him. 

I'm so sad, and a little scared.  Will I now experience the absence of sex as acutely as the rest of the folks in this group?  Will this new discovery impact my satisfaction with my marital status quo?  I really hope not.  As odd as it may seem, I really don't want to cheat on my marriage based on an issue my husband can't fix.  It "feels" fairer to me to do so for stuff he's just too lazy or unwilling to fix.   My husband can be a pain in the buttocks sometimes. . . well, ok, a lot, but there's really no one else on earth with whom I'd rather face the end of the world...
Colormevibrant Colormevibrant
46-50, F
8 Responses Sep 19, 2012

You are not the only one to come to this information late in life! I can assure you that fingers used correctly will also achieve the desired outcome - but they have to be used correctly and actively! I do understand - my H has also been unable to give me these kind of O's, in fact I haven't had an O with him in ages.

Good for you

He is completely aware of what is going on (your "straying", as you put it) and apparently he is okay with it (at least, he is not voicing an opinion to you otherwise, right?) don't need validation from anyone here anyway. So, I see no need for you to delete your story!

The burning question here for me is...what was this "acrobatic activity" in which you discovered you could indeed have vaginal *******????

understand this situation very well......

Your comment here & on my whiteboard are both very much appreciated Katerina.

My wife will probably figure all this out fingering herself inside her wooden box, free from professional and career burdens. Another reason why women should be born with (self-) user manuals and not have to depend on teevee for the wisdom. Imagine a 48y old man figuring out how to get off and see how funny that feels. But all this is just the rant of a nasty male that never got any. What is pertinent here is that you owe your husband a full disclosure and apology.

?? Huh?

"Will I now experience the absence of sex as acutely as the rest of the folks in this group?"

No. While what you are talking about is a physical experience of having an ******, what the rest of us are talking about in this group is the intimacy, closeness, love and desire that we are seeking. We leave the marriage not over lack of ******* or intercourse but lack of the above items (intimacy, closeness, love, desire) plus (sometimes) lack of respect, emotional/physical abuse, addictions and so on. All the same reasons anyone leaves a marriage.

This place isn't about sex, even if it's in the title. It's about dysfunctional relationships. According to you, yours is functional enough for you so while you may have experienced a revival of your sexual energy due to this discovery, no, you aren't likely to find yourself ready to leave the marriage. Unless you decide that this isn't functioning after all and you aren't as happy as you've told yourself. Only you get to decide that.

Agreed. w/your post and all approvals of it. Thanks Fury. Really -- nuff said! :-)

I'm astonished to hear that this discovery came to you after such a long time. Is this newfound skill something that you could teach your husband, or are his "shortcomings" too severe?

I can assure you that your astonishment can never rival my own; a great reminder that "if at first you don't succeed, try, try, again." :-)

Unfortunately, as the result requires penetration deeper than two or so inches & repetition for a period beyond 90 seconds, we'd require another miracle for this to occur. But hey - never say never. I'm living proof that perhaps you CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

Sorry mvc, didn't see this comment til' today. Dunno if you're right. Having only just figured out how to do this the traditional way, 'twill take a bit more time to figure out variations. But thanks for the observation.

Whatever evidence exists that points to this situation being untenable you appear to discount.

That really leaves you in that common position for many members which precis down to "is this my life forever more ?"

Without any alteration in thinking and choices on your part, the probable answer to that is "yes" as you are always going to be the 'victim' of the choices other people make to which you are a collateral benificiary or collateral damage.

And the only guaranteed way to see if "this is it until you die" is to stay there until you die.

If you act now, you have a shot. If you don't, you don't.

Choice is a *****, but no-one gets a pass.

Tread your own path.

You speak truth. Paradigm shifts usually have precipitating events. Wonder if this will be mine? Only time will tell. Thanks for weighing in.