A Side Note....

Bazaar mentioned that he used to read my stories with trepidation because of how my H could reel me back in. The truth is he still in many ways reels me back in. Every time we hang out it just seems so easy, we laugh and joke and I feel comfortable and as soon as that happens I forget about everything he did and start to question myself, Why cant I make this work? Could I make this work? I imagine us holding hands and thats ok but when I get to the making love part I halt.... we would have to start over there. Truth is after not being wanted and being considered work when it came to having sex I seriously doubt him now, it makes me cry to think of it, that he found it tedious and chore like to please me sexually but p*rn was so much easier. And it has put this wedge between us that I am not sure I can jump over.

I know I mentioned before that I have a lover now. Perhaps I was a little to eager, but to be with someone who actually wants you, to see that in someones eyes I have to admit I got caught up. It feels amazing to be with him, to actually see that I am turning him on. I could never tell if I turned my H on, his **** never got hard... never. But sadly I like my H better than I like my lover, not in the sex dept obviously but in the personality dept. I can't pinpoint it but I wonder if it is because I have know my H for so long that I was able to let my guard down with him and that hasn't happened with the new beau yet. Or if it comes down to just the simple fact that I like my H's personality more.

So yes I am reeled back in still all the time. I mentioned our divorce yesterday and he looked like I hit his dog and it hurt my heart to see his face.
I dont ever want to look back and regret. I know sexually he didnt want me, maybe he did but couldnt make that happen because of **** issues but whatever the reason, can a man change the way he wants a woman sexually? Could I ever see him the same? Ugh just another one of those days, I have these often.... where I doubt myself then go back and forth it is like a tug of war. I know eventually it will get easier, but man am I waiting for that day.

Yes Im a woman and I over think everything lol....
NotAFairyTale NotAFairyTale
31-35, F
3 Responses Sep 20, 2012

That feeling of trepidation is back. <br />
Big time.<br />
<br />
And I'd imagine that his slug is working quite well when he's watching his kiddy ****.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

That feeling of trepidation trips me up every time. I sometimes need a slap of reality and that is why I come here lol.

"...can a man change the way he wants a woman sexually?"
I don't think so.

Find someone you like and want who likes and wants you. No more half relationships?