What Do I Do And Where Do I Turn? Part Two

This is the second part of my story, to those who don't walk in my shoes is hard to understand sometimes. My wife is 20 years my senior, which places her at 78. If that's not enough, she is also battling Alzheimer's. Sex sexes not been our marriage for 12 years. I miss it, and I know this summer going to say." Why don't you leave her?" The answer is simple, there's no one to take care of her. Her children don't want her in fact they don't want anything to do with her, so I guess that leaves me as a caregiver. Our marriage wasn't always this way, we used to have a normal and healthy sex life. Then one day she just lost interest I guess. You know what makes it even rougher, is the fact I'm not a small guy, I am a person of size. A lot of women, would need to give me a second look. In those that do are stuck on the stigma that that I am married. It makes it tough, when you're fighting a losing battle trying to lose weight. Women won't look at you twice, or else your considered to be cheating. Now here is my dilemma, do I walk out, put her in a nursing home, or just leave her on her own to deteriorate. Walking out is an option, but I don't because I feel that there is a sense of obligation. Nursing homes are out, because of the the shoddy care they give people. Personally, I would not put the dog in a nursing home. So here I sit, not feeling sorry for myself, frustrated by the lack of sex, seeing her coldness, and watching her slowly slip into worlds that no one can understand that her. So again I ask," what do I do it where do I turn?".
jlewis3555 jlewis3555
56-60, M
6 Responses Sep 20, 2012

I can't say that I've been in your situation, but I have watched in recent years as my mother (64 yro) succumbed to dementia and toll that it has taken on my father. As a caretaker, it is incredibly important that you find time for yourself and to nurture your needs. It can be extremely difficult to separate yourself and your needs from those of your ailing wife. But, I urge you to make specific efforts to take care of yourself.

Also, don't rule out care facilities entirely. There are many places that offer specific memory care units that provide caring and knowledgable staff to take care of your wife is she is at that stage. I would suggests that you speak with an elder law attorney before you make that move so as to protect yourself and your savings from depletion. Best of luck!

I'd be interested to know why the kids dont want her?

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I am of the opinion and my life is proof that you can be a caregiver, friend, co-parent, etc WITHOUT being married. Seek legal advice depending on what you want out of it, but you may be better off divorced and just being her caregiver & friend. The other thing is, if you cheat and you are not in a no-fault divorce part of the world, if someone "catches" you (maybe her kids?), you may be out a lot of money etc. "Play safe"

To be honest, I'm not in the realm of no-fault divorce. The reasoning being is I am on social security, and is tricky on the laws concerning separate incomes. One is I believe that we have to maintain two separate addresses, which I don't have the money to do right now. The second reason is separate bank accounts to pay the bills. It's a lot easier with a joint account etc. Another reason is, her ethics system in that her religion does not allow living together. The thought crossed my mind many times of getting a no-fault divorce, but because of these reasons mainly financial it would not be feasible option.

I don't think its wrong to have a friend some may diagree.but you are taking care of her more than her children. Walking away is not right. You need an outlet

I agree with you, but most people don't see it that way. You know most people think that you just looking for sex, but that's not the case. If I meet someone, sex is an option but not essential. You write I do need an outlet, but it's hard to find someone to watch her.

As the dementia worsens, the choice will be taken out of your hands.

You either sit on your hands now and let circumstances dictate how this plays out - which might not result in an optimum outcome - or you try and manage the process to produce the 'best' possible result.

Thinking in truisms like "all nursing care is ****" and "persons of size can't get a root" is NOT going to help a great deal. Might pay you to challenge that sort of thinking.

Tread your own path.

I do realize, that eventually the nursing home is not going to be an option I'm also under the opinion, based on personal experience that people don't receive the best possible care. Also, with the onset of Alzheimer's, in the beginning I promised that I would take care of her home as long as possible.

Why won't her children get involved?

To be totally honest, it involves two things. First first is the fact, that they don't like me and they don't agree with the difference in our ages. This is totally asinine in my opinion because we've been married for almost 30 years. Her kids that always been the opinion that they come first which leads me to my second point. My second point, is that when her last child graduated high school. We decided to go to Colorado, when I was offered a job out there. We were there for 10 years, and during that time her oldest son was the only one who contacted us. We've been back about 10 years in that time she said no contact for children. We had tried a number of times, to no avail. I guess they her kids are under the opinion, that why should they do anything when I'm here to take care of her.