A Story: Perspective And Living In A Sexless Marriage................

To put something "into perspective":

(idiomatic) To compare with something similar to give a clearer, more accurate idea::


As I was walking to work this morning from my train stop in center city Philadelphia,,,,( approx 4 blocks),,,,and thinking of the state of my life, my sexless marriage, and what I can post this morning in EP to shed light on my dilemma, I walked past a younger man ( in his 20's) sitting in his wheelchair outside of the Rehabilitation Center adjacent to my office building, his legs noticeably atrophied from non-use.

I said good morning to him, shared what a nice morning it is, walked next door to my office building , started to walk in,,,,,,,but stopped to look back.

As I stood there, and looked at this young man, I could not help but think he would do anything in the world to trade places with me..........

I sipped my coffee, looked at the blue skies, observed this young guy's pleasantries to everyone who walked past,,,,and decided to forget my "woes" for the moment, embrace the day, appreciate my health, my ability to walk, and just "be happy"...regardless of the situation at home with my wife,,,,,,life can still be good.


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5 Responses Sep 21, 2012

it's so sad to live like this our lifes are so miserable

Take the chance to feel content at every opportunity. For some people they are so few and far between.

Life is blooming marvellous.

Which is why it's important to take action & resolve the disaster of the SM. Perspective can be used to recognise how unacceptable it is.

FWIW, hedonic adaption results in people returning to their normal baseline levels of happiness within a few years of major life changes, whether good or bad.

Would you be willing to write down 3 good things that have happened to you every day for a while? That's been found to be very effective in increasing happiness, and doesn't mean having to compare woe.

hedonic adaption results in people returning to their normal baseline levels of happiness within a few years of major life changes, whether good or bad.

Can you give me an example of this?

Yes, but I'm travelling so can't cite the references. Probably could find via Seligman's positive psychology movement, and it's also in the MIT open courseware psychology intro video. So what they've found for example is that lottery winners (statistically) return to their previously reported happiness after a couple of years, as do people who've suffered SCI. Even academics who've suffered the trauma of not getting tenure are happier than they expected to be!

Ah, I have heard that $75,000 makes people just as happy as a million (only so much square footage, horse power, karats, etc and then it becomes redundant I guess). I can personalize this by saying in the past, even though I was miserable about the state of this marriage, I had a fear of being even less happy should I end it. But something cathartic happens when a decision is made, a verdict reached. There seems to be a return to the previous happier me even though the divorce has not yet occured in the legal and physical sense. In the mental and emotional sense, it HAS happened. Maybe I'm heading back to my "baseline"

I think the experience of the SM is rather different to hedonic adaption really - because of the death-of-a-thousand-cuts is continuous, it's excruciating and it gets worse - I don't think you ever adapt to it. Until you - as you have done - grasp the nettle rather than lie in a bed of them. It feels blooming fantastic because you are living again, not in a living death.

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I don't know Pardon. There's that old story that if you could throw all your woes into the street and your neighbor threw all his; whose would you be willing to go and pick up?

Nobody - NOBODY - knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I can totally relate to the remorse brought on by the "be thankful, your problems could be so much worse" mindset. Not only am I miserable, but I've conjured up yet another negative emotionto go with it...feeling guilty for being miserable.

As for the Hee Haw video...that was CLASSIC! I added it to my youtube channel!

That is so true Fool4waiting. In fact, I would guess we would be down right shocked to know what happens within the houses of the neighbors next door, the mailman who delivers the mail and the doctor who wrote our perscriptions. People are rarely how they appear on the outside.

You have just dated us with the Hee Haw video! LOL

I'm reminded of some comedian I heard years ago exploring this relativity theme of "people being worse off than you" 0r "there is always someone worse off than you".

This comedian cleverly noted how the deaf might regard themselves better off than the blind, who in turn might regard their lot as being preferable to the bed ridden, who reckon they are better off than the - - - - - - well you get the picture. The line of patter went on for quite a while. The punch line was just how bad a shape "the last guy" must be.

It was very funny, but really more in the style of observational humour, the point being that whatever disability one might have had bestowed upon them by the cosmos, the abilities that remain are all anyone has to work with.

I'd suggest that those NOT in a dysfunctional marriage are "better off" than those who ARE in one. But being in a dysfunctional marriage is NOT an untreatable situation, whereas other things inflicted on people ARE untreatable.

Make of that what you will.

Tread your own path.