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It's My Anniversary

So, we have officially reached the 1 year mark with no sex. I am at a loss. For some reason, this milestone has really depressed me. We've been almost sexless for years, usually going 3-4 months between, broken up only by me having "the talk" pleading for some intimacy. But since I gave up on the pleading because it never led to any real change, it's now been a year.

I wish one of you could magically appear and tell me exactly what to do to make everything right. I'm at an all time low...
pinkandgreen224 pinkandgreen224 36-40, F 23 Responses Sep 21, 2012

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Wimp . . . try 3 years, lol. [Just teasing :-) ]

I think you have to try to rebuild it one little step at a time. Simple stuff, like touching and kissing . . . good kissing, not relatives-during-the-holidays stuff . . . spending time together doing stuff you both like . . . or USED to like . . . and see if any of the physical attraction returns. If not, at least you tried, and can then be honest with each other about how it's not going to happen, and move on to exploring other options (open marriage, divorce, whatever).

I know . . . sounds so easy, right? I'm staying for the kids, too, so what do I know? :-)

All the best luck to you.

After reading many stories here - over the last two days that I've been a member...

It is becoming increasingly clear that "it is not about sex". I responded to one story where the writer said her marriage was good except for the lack of sex. The unfortunate thing is that sex is a natural part of the human condition. It exposes us - literally, at the most intimate level. Sex, making love requires an openness, a level of trust and respect. And absolutely no judgement.

I see it as an evolution - not a destination. We can't "talk" our partners into having sex more frequently - or at all, in my case. It takes two to tango, so to speak. So perhaps for us in this group, we see sex as a natural element of a relationship. The very definition of sharing "everything". Perhaps our partners, have just never made the connection. The question - are they capable, can the physical and emotional enjoyment of intimacy be learned/taught?

Well I have learned that once that bond is broken there is not much that can be done but to move on.Not sure what the details to your situations are but talking hasn't helped so maybe a third party to help is next like a therapist.A visit to the doctor for him is in order as well.
For you having someone to talk to would go a long way.I wish you well.

have you considered outsourcing your sexual needs?? The feeling of actually being wanted by another will do your self esteem a world of good. Everybody loves to feel wanted

sex vs affection. No sex, ok, whatever. No affection, thats bs and you should call her bluff on it. "dont mean a thing if it aint got that swing" Good luck.

Thanks guys! It's great to have different points of view and opinions to think about. And helps when you know you are not alone.

After five years with no sex AT ALL, I finally left.

You have zero control over what your spouse will or will not do to address the situation. Take the power out of his hands and base your actions and decisions in solving the problem for yourself.

I am sorry to disappoint you sister pinkandgreen but i dont have the magic wand that will help you. You however might be in a position to helpyourself.

What do i mean by this. Go see a Divorce Lawyer find out your rights and start forming an exit strategy. 1 year with no sex especially at your age is 9 months overdue. It took me 3 months of no sex before i gave my wife the as..s albeit temporaraly. You know what though it worked in renegotiating expectations from the marriage.

Stay STrong & Good Luck

I am so sorry to hear that!! I am closing in on my 2 year mark. In the last 4 years, it has only been 2. Not a good situation. My wife loves to tell me that she is "happy". I have tried almost everything. Nothing. Like Bazzar said above, there is no magic bullet. More than likely, it will never get any better.

To a better future filled with intimacy!

Be on birth control (Him not knowing) and plead for a kid. That's what my cousin did. Or you could do it the old fashion way, and turn him on; so he begs for your intimacy

One year without sex. Your partner does not value sex in the same way you do and never will. End this relationship or be miserable.

Gee, I didn't realize that I am a sex fiend. I've been laid twice in the last twelve months..... or was it three times?? It's hard to keep track with so much action...

I've just realised that it's been just over a year for me. Mid- august last year. I have a lover now. A guy who I like, but someone who I KNOW would never be a compatible living partner even if he would leave his wife, which I don't think he wants to do.

Yes, Elk, that is the way to do it. The married guys with kids are not likely to cause trouble for you and they are happy to be with you for awhile. Glad you found someone for relief, Honey! Hugs!

Get a divorce.

Nasty feelings can be extremely valuable if you attend to them.

This one is a very unpleasant marker. Will you listen?

Because I think you know what the magical people here would be advising. And one of those things is that it is your call, your action, your will and your time on earth.

16 years for me tonight...she is disinterested as usual and asleep.
This is not what I signed up for, but what I'm stuck with non the less. Happy anniversary to me and to you.

I'm at 13 and thought I had it bad. Just going through the motions of life is just not cutting it any more. Would anyone else like to throw their TVs out the window? I generally pause my day at around 8/8:30. My wife is invariably glued to the TV. I can't even sit in the same room - it is like - why watch life when you can live it.

My dream - turned the thing off, turn on some music, light a candle, pour a drink and enjoy each other.

What I am learning in this forum - we have only ourselves to blame - we tolerate the situation, we enable it. So easy to say -

If I could give you a hug, I would. I am the refused and it has torn me apart all these years. Its painful and it tears apart your self esteem one "push away" at a time. I love my husband very much, but I am realizing he has been choosing all this time to continue to do what he does when he knows how much it hurts me. I'm starting to take care of me regardless. I wish I had the answers for you. Only you can figure out what will truly be best for you. Keep sharing. There are so many on here that are going through the same thing. You aren't alone.

Your August 5th story attracted a fair number of comments, and nothing much seems to have changed since then.

That tells you at least 2 key things.

1) - that the scented candles strategy doesn't work, which means that your's is not a "jaded marriage" that is going to re-ignite.
2) - that your counter refusal strategy as of your previous story doesn't work either.

There is NO "magic bullet" solution to your situation. There is no method "of one of us magically appearing to tell you exactly what to do to make everything right"

So the comments offered up on your prior story are just as relevant today as they were then.

Tread your own path.

5 years for me

file for an annulment

In October I will celebrate 5 years with no sex and have decided to find a special friend that might be in the same boat as me. I was wondering if anyone from Texas might be out there.

No magic solution..*hugs*

I'm sorry you are depressed. You've got company though. I recently celebrated my one year anniversary too. The only solution I have, which has worked for me at least on the day to day depression, stress, disappointment scale is to give up. That's what I've done. I don't want to have sex with her anymore, and I'm content for now living as roomates and raising kids. That's my only solution for you. I've tried everything else there is except divorce.

Hang in there. Snakedoctor

I'm sure I agree with what you said, sorry your avatar always distracts me *sigh*

roll up your tongues......:-)

Wouldn't you just love to be naked, laying on top of me, with every inch of our skin touching, your breasts pressed into me, my hands on your ***?