I Live In a Sexless Marriage
These words are a trap for many on ILIASM. It seems many of us have an underlying belief (one we may not even realise we have) that in order to get a divorce our marriage (and / or our spouse) must be ALL bad!
This can be the case. Some marriages are appalling at every level - so are some spouses. But many marriages are a mixture of good and bad. Most spouses have aspects of them that make them likeable / loveable. They are essentially people just like us - flawed, but good people anyway.
In the weighing up of "how can I leave when our marriage is not all that bad", thinking about the spouse's good characteristics tends to weigh very heavily on us. We find ourselves thinking of how he is a good provider, how she is a great mother, and many other factors. Thoughts such as "he was so good to me when I was ill" or "she takes great care of our home" over-ride the other realities of our marriages.
For some of us, the good qualities (the ones that attracted us in the beginning) are still there. For example, one of the things I loved about my ex was how intelligent and interesting he was. He still is. I still love talking to him about lots of interests we share in common.
BUT! And it is a big BUT . . . we tend to focus on these "good" things to distract ourselves from what is NOT working in the marriage. It is a survival tactic we develop without even really recognising it. It starts when you are dissatisfied or unhappy about something - and you tell yourself "but he/she is a good spouse because . . . (enter your own reason here)".
After a while, this becomes an automatic response to our dissatisfactions. We talk ourselves out of being unhappy by reminding ourselves about the "good" things about our marriage and / or our spouse. As time goes on, this can sometimes go to ludicrous lengths - without our recognising how ridiculous it is! Such as "I remember how wonderful he was when our son was born" - son is now fourteen! Or "She was so kind to my mother before she died" - Mother has been gone for ten years!
As time passes our dissatisfaction, discomfort and genuine unhappiness grows and becomes something we can no longer deny or suppress. It bursts out from behind all our carefully constructed "reasons" for staying. But by now, this only ADDS to the conflict.
We have spent SO long telling ourselves that he/she is a good spouse and that our's is essentially a good marriage, that it is incredibly confronting to realise these comforting platitudes no longer work.
And the really important thing IMO is to acknowledge that those thoughts / beliefs about your spouse / marriage being "good" are still true. It is just that these things are NOT a strong enough base to build a happy and contented relationship that will last forever.
Understanding that your spouse is a basically good person with some flaws (as we all have) but NOT the right person for you, is a KEY recognition that needs to take place before you can move your own life forward.
Some people are unable to do this. They must demonise the spouse in order to justify leaving. They need to convince themselves that the spouse is "all bad" in order to give themselves permission to get out of the relationship. Yet deep down, they truly know that isn't correct, so it only ADDS to their conflict.
Acknowledging that you and your spouse are both good people in your own ways, but that you are not compatible as marriage partners is the first step to taking control of your own life and your own happiness. Recognising that not EVERYTHING in your marriage must be "bad" for it not to be working, is an important step.
Think of a car . . . if the battery is flat, it ain't going nowhere! Yet much of the rest of the car is in fine condition! In our marriages, we have been unable to get that battery re-started! Despite all our efforts - it remains flat. Sadly, we cannot just go out and get a new battery to fix the marriage - altho' some people try the FWB route to achieve this.
Once we can accept that we have a right to expect our relationships to fulfill our basic needs for intimacy, sex and compatibility, we can let go of our "not as bad as all that" beliefs. We can recognise that a person can have good qualities and be a fine human being, yet still not be the RIGHT partner for ourselves.
For those of you facing this dilemma, this book can be very helpful.
"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A step-by-step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship" by Mira Kirshenbaum.
This can be the case. Some marriages are appalling at every level - so are some spouses. But many marriages are a mixture of good and bad. Most spouses have aspects of them that make them likeable / loveable. They are essentially people just like us - flawed, but good people anyway.
In the weighing up of "how can I leave when our marriage is not all that bad", thinking about the spouse's good characteristics tends to weigh very heavily on us. We find ourselves thinking of how he is a good provider, how she is a great mother, and many other factors. Thoughts such as "he was so good to me when I was ill" or "she takes great care of our home" over-ride the other realities of our marriages.
For some of us, the good qualities (the ones that attracted us in the beginning) are still there. For example, one of the things I loved about my ex was how intelligent and interesting he was. He still is. I still love talking to him about lots of interests we share in common.
BUT! And it is a big BUT . . . we tend to focus on these "good" things to distract ourselves from what is NOT working in the marriage. It is a survival tactic we develop without even really recognising it. It starts when you are dissatisfied or unhappy about something - and you tell yourself "but he/she is a good spouse because . . . (enter your own reason here)".
After a while, this becomes an automatic response to our dissatisfactions. We talk ourselves out of being unhappy by reminding ourselves about the "good" things about our marriage and / or our spouse. As time goes on, this can sometimes go to ludicrous lengths - without our recognising how ridiculous it is! Such as "I remember how wonderful he was when our son was born" - son is now fourteen! Or "She was so kind to my mother before she died" - Mother has been gone for ten years!
As time passes our dissatisfaction, discomfort and genuine unhappiness grows and becomes something we can no longer deny or suppress. It bursts out from behind all our carefully constructed "reasons" for staying. But by now, this only ADDS to the conflict.
We have spent SO long telling ourselves that he/she is a good spouse and that our's is essentially a good marriage, that it is incredibly confronting to realise these comforting platitudes no longer work.
And the really important thing IMO is to acknowledge that those thoughts / beliefs about your spouse / marriage being "good" are still true. It is just that these things are NOT a strong enough ba
Understanding that your spouse is a basically good person with some flaws (as we all have) but NOT the right person for you, is a KEY recognition that needs to take place before you can move your own life forward.
Some people are unable to do this. They must demonise the spouse in order to justify leaving. They need to convince themselves that the spouse is "all bad" in order to give themselves permission to get out of the relationship. Yet deep down, they truly know that isn't correct, so it only ADDS to their conflict.
Acknowledging that you and your spouse are both good people in your own ways, but that you are not compatible as marriage partners is the first step to taking control of your own life and your own happiness. Recognising that not EVERYTHING in your marriage must be "bad" for it not to be working, is an important step.
Think of a car . . . if the battery is flat, it ain't going nowhere! Yet much of the rest of the car is in fine condition! In our marriages, we have been unable to get that battery re-started! Despite all our efforts - it remains flat. Sadly, we cannot just go out and get a new battery to fix the marriage - altho' some people try the FWB route to achieve this.
Once we can accept that we have a right to expect our relationships to fulfill our basic needs for intimacy, sex and compatibility, we can let go of our "not as bad as all that" beliefs. We can recognise that a person can have good qualities and be a fine human being, yet still not be the RIGHT partner for ourselves.
For those of you facing this dilemma, this book can be very helpful.
"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A step-by-step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship" by Mira Kirshenbaum.
By:
enna30
Age:
56-60
,
Female
