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A Beautiful Sunny Day Today....so Why Was I Crying?

today my daughter was in her first show (in barn, just friendly competition from riders who all have lessons at the same barn). we got there okay with a minimum of fuss.

the day was progressing nicely. he and i were sitting together and all of the sudden he says we should go sit somewhere else; he's put 3 chairs out. mind you, I've formed a friendly connection with 3 very nice ladies at this table, and its right where i can have a good spot to take pics and video. he wants us to move. i refuse, nicely, because there's room for both of us, I'm having a nice conversation, making friends, and so on. he's mad. ok, whatever. i make a laughing comment about something cute/funny that happened, and he turns to me and says "don't state the obvious, it just annoys people." more in that vein. i ignore him.

after we got home, he started: "you're embarrassing yourself." according to him, i pissed people off and was annoying them because i kept repeating myself, talking and bothering people. and i told him:

*you make me feel like you think I'm stupid
*you make me feel like you're embarrassed to be out I public with me
*if I listen to what you're saying to me right now, nobody there today liked me, I was a pain in the @ss, annoying, rude, and I should sit in a corner and keep my mouth shut so as to avoid embarrassing you or myself.
*if all that is true, then why did two of the ladies I was talking to exchange phone numbers with me and want to get together with me in future?
*it is clear to me that nothing about me has ever been, is not now, and never will be, ever, good enough for you. i can't live my life this way anymore, never being good enough for you. you have not found *one* thing "right" with me or our life since you came home.

I want you to try to start finding something right...just one thing...every day.

his reaction? "stop the car. if that's how you feel, you can just go somewhere else."

oooooookay, that is pretty.damn.clear.

of course the argument went on, and i eventually told him i was going to work out before i said something I would regret.

but, no, I definitely can't keep living this way.

this is typical for him, I express sadness or dissatisfaction with any aspect of our life together, and he throws out the "okay then get out" comment, though not in so many words (today was).

i'm fast becoming convinced this may be his strategy: push *me* into filing or seeking the divorce first, to make himself the good guy, me the bad guy.

eventually he is going to get his wish.

but not before i have a plan in place.

this past week, I have looked at everything differently. not one day has passed that he hasn't found fault and lectured or dressed me down for some flaw or problem he perceives. not one unsolicited positive thing, the entire week, just negativity.

anyway, enna, thank you for your post on my other story, i may not know the whole of what i want right now, but the biggest want, is a smooth easy peaceful daily life. i like myself and know that i am a good, intelligent, savvy, sassy, fun person who many people value in many ways. it's not about me (tho it sure does feel like it when we're in the middle of it); it's about something within him.

i've got to start the planning with a consultation because no matter how amicable i will want this to be, it's,liable to get messy.

thanks all for reading. past the tears for the moment, resolve is settling.
smithy8015 smithy8015 46-50, F 8 Responses Sep 22, 2012

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it's so sad making us do all the dirty work so we look bad

It is ironic that he feels he can criticise you mercilessly and yet if you DARE say something about him, then he immediatel retalliates with "then get out". I think you might be right when you sense he is trying to drive you out . . .

But regardless of his intentions, it is YOU who cannot live with a person like this. He is emotionally abusive. And he is undoubtedly NOT adding value to your life! I admire you for getting your exit plan in place and I encourage you to work towards achieving it as soon as possible!!

I'm sorry, you desrve better. I am glad you went and worked out instead of arguing. Leave when you can.

It sounds as though he felt excluded perhaps because he didn't know how to interact or some other reason in his head. I am sorry that had to happen to you.

There is no other way to say this but that Sucks, I am so sorry. He must feel really out of place and insecure if he feels the need to put you down. Putting you down makes him feel better and only insecure people need to treat other like that. I am sorry he hurt you, I hope you know that it is NOT you. A true friend or spouse brings you up, not down, Makes you feel good about yourself but how can he when he feels so bad deep down about himself? Tune it out. Someone posted this and it home for me. "Stop taking up negative space in my head or I will charge you rent" I have been where you are. I understand. This is really hard for me to do but I repeat over and over to myself "Nobody can MAKE ME FEEL" Don't let him make you feel anything but sorry for him. We have lots in common if you ever want to talk. Be strong and feel good!

You are doing great and should be an inspiration to others here. Keep going with the plan and get OUT!!!

I have one of these fault finders, too. In my husband's case, I notice that he picks on me or tries to pick fights if he's experiencing a lot of social anxiety. So this might be before we go to do something at my son's school - we don't do much else together anymore. I remember him trying to pick a monumental fight before our intro picnic at our son's new school. It's private and in a posh area of town so I think he was quite worried about feeling inadequate. He's stopped going to school events. A first he 'forgot' now he just doesn't show up.

Although I appear very outgoing, I'm actually quite shy so just when I need to garner strength to meet new people, I'm being verbally assaulted by this guy. Unlike yours I get trouble beforehand, I don't tend to get the post-mortem assault on my personality.

Don't cry though. It's not you!

Your plan to create an alternative to your present life is extraordinarily wise.

It will not necessarily be a plan you need to carry out (although most likely that's exactly what it will mean) but the simple fact that you have a do-able exit strategy in your pocket will make dealing with the untangling of your present situation "easier". You'll be making your choices on a basis of objectivity, not raw emotion and fear.

Tread your own path