A Beautiful Sunny Day Today....so Why Was I Crying?today my daughter was in her first show (in barn, just friendly competition from riders who all have lessons at the same barn). we got there okay with a minimum of fuss.
the day was progressing nicely. he and i were sitting together and all of the sudden he says we should go sit somewhere else; he's put 3 chairs out. mind you, I've formed a friendly connection with 3 very nice ladies at this table, and its right where i can have a good spot to take pics and video. he wants us to move. i refuse, nicely, because there's room for both of us, I'm having a nice conversation, making friends, and so on. he's mad. ok, whatever. i make a laughing comment about something cute/funny that happened, and he turns to me and says "don't state the obvious, it just annoys people." more in that vein. i ignore him.
after we got home, he started: "you're embarrassing yourself." according to him, i pissed people off and was annoying them because i kept repeating myself, talking and bothering people. and i told him:
*you make me feel like you think I'm stupid
*you make me feel like you're embarrassed to be out I public with me
*if I listen to what you're saying to me right now, nobody there today liked me, I was a pain in the @ss, annoying, rude, and I should sit in a corner and keep my mouth shut so as to avoid embarrassing you or myself.
*if all that is true, then why did two of the ladies I was talking to exchange phone numbers with me and want to get together with me in future?
*it is clear to me that nothing about me has ever been, is not now, and never will be, ever, good enough for you. i can't live my life this way anymore, never being good enough for you. you have not found *one* thing "right" with me or our life since you came home.
I want you to try to start finding something right...just one thing...every day.
his reaction? "stop the car. if that's how you feel, you can just go somewhere else."
oooooookay, that is pretty.damn.clear.
of course the argument went on, and i eventually told him i was going to work out before i said something I would regret.
but, no, I definitely can't keep living this way.
this is typical for him, I express sadness or dissatisfaction with any aspect of our life together, and he throws out the "okay then get out" comment, though not in so many words (today was).
i'm fast becoming convinced this may be his strategy: push *me* into filing or seeking the divorce first, to make himself the good guy, me the bad guy.
eventually he is going to get his wish.
but not before i have a plan in place.
this past week, I have looked at everything differently. not one day has passed that he hasn't found fault and lectured or dressed me down for some flaw or problem he perceives. not one unsolicited positive thing, the entire week, just negativity.
anyway, enna, thank you for your post on my other story, i may not know the whole of what i want right now, but the biggest want, is a smooth easy peaceful daily life. i like myself and know that i am a good, intelligent, savvy, sassy, fun person who many people value in many ways. it's not about me (tho it sure does feel like it when we're in the middle of it); it's about something within him.
i've got to start the planning with a consultation because no matter how amicable i will want this to be, it's,liable to get messy.
thanks all for reading. past the tears for the moment, resolve is settling.