Right Now...

We just discussed divorce. I feel like this is 100% my fault.  I feel like a horrible, horrible person.
I took my pistol over to my brother so it wouldn't be here...I was thinking about shooting myself with it again.

She offered sex...but me thinking she was asexual...
I told her I didn't think we should have sex anymore.

So I went to sleep...then I woke up, and we talked about things.
Apparently she is vaguely sexual. She masturbates!
...We have lived together for 10 years, and she never admitted she *********** before.  
Apparently once every two weeks or so.
To say it came as a shock is an understatement.
She never let me get her off, she never told me she got off.  She apparently has waited until I wasn't home for 10 years.
She admitted this because I told her I thought she was asexual.
We also got into the emotional abandonment I have felt and still feel...she doesn't understand me. 
She can't seem to do it.
I told her I still thought I needed a divorce.
I don't know if I am right.

I feel like I've committed an horrendous mistake.  I feel like the most selfish person in the world. I wish I was dead.  I tried to go lay down next to her, because I can't sleep anywhere else due to allergies-the bedroom is the "clean" room.  I started sobbing hysterically.

I am falling apart.
hylierandom hylierandom
7 Responses Sep 23, 2012

<p>It is EXCRUTIATINGLY hard and painful. There is no way it is "easy" - even when we know it is both right and inevitable.</P><br />
<p>Nothing annoys me more than those superior types who sometimes post here on ILIASM about how "divorce is just too easy these days"! What a load of ridiculous CRAP! Divorce is incredibly hard, painful, gut-wrenching and takes enormous reserves of courage.</P><br />
<p>How you feel is how we all feel at these times. Please read three of my stories that will help you see it in a similar perspective. These are:<br />
"My Last 48 Hours", "I'm Sad Tonight" and "Maple Syrup".</P><br />
<p>Fast forward three years. I have been happily living with Baz for over two years now. Our love and commitment gets stronger and our lives are happier and more enriched as time goes on.</P><br />
<p>My Ex and I have a good friendship that allows us to see each other and still take part in family activities together.</P><br />
<p>Have all the pain and sadness gone? No. And I think there will always be the pain and regret for the "might have been" - but essentially I am in SUCH a better place today, in every aspect of my life.</P><br />
<p>I encourage you to hold tight to what you KNOW is the right thing to do - not to "go back" at a moment of weakness caused by great sorrow, Give yourself twenty four hours between any impulse to withdraw what you have said and the actual withdrawing. That will save you from impulsively going back because of the pain you feel.</P><br />
<p>And You WILL get through this. Use ILIASM support o help you. {{{Hugs}}}</P>

It really stuns me that I think about it now...I have felt so guilty and selfish because I needed to be gotten off, but she TOLD ME she was anorgasmic after her surgery.
I have felt like a selfish, grubby little thing for the decade of marriage, this in part because she supposedly could not ******. She just wasn't LETTING me take her to ******. Why? why did she do this to me? Better yet, why did I not listen to my gut earlier and go?

what did your gut say?

To end it.

Please Please Please, take a step back, talk to someone. Take a deep breath call a friend, maybe get some space between the two of you.

Some time away but not alone and talk this out.....

Good Luck !!!

Not alone is hard...while being married all my friends went away. But I will go for a swim or a bicycle and go out to eat.

Divorce is not supposed to feel good. No matter who initiates, both people are going to feel bad.

I really didn't think your wife was asexual. Just a hunch. I'm guessing she feels some kind of deep shame about sex and probably doesn't have a super high libido. (Once every two weeks or so???) Why does she hide ************? Just a hunch again, but I'd bet you'd be turned on by watching her, helping her....

There's nothing wrong with a little purely solo sex once in a while, but not when it comes at the expense of the primary relationship.

Not once has she let me give her an ******...when at one point I thought about buying a $200 sex toy( look up "folsom box" ) just so I could give her an ******, because I didn't think she could have them...Thinking about that makes me sad and angry...I so wanted to be able to give her the joy I get from sex. No, I can't make this work with her. Yes, I would have been turned on by watching and helping, and holding her afterward.

Good for you for getting rid of that gun. First step.

It is hard, hard, hard, but "this too shall pass". I agree, take a step back. You have been betrayed and neglected, it is normal to feel this awful - you are in awful circumstances.

I do second Baz - now is the time to call a mental health hotline, if you do not have an awesome other person that you can unload on without judgment - mental health/suicide hotlines are anonymous, nonjudgmental, will listen to you, will advise you. I called one once when my mother was abusing me when I was a teenager. Just talking to someone who is not judging you will be a lifeline for you.

There are a list of crisis lines here: http://help.experienceproject.com/customer/portal/articles/391568-what-if-another-member-or-myself-is-in-crisis-

We are all anonymous on here but we cannot be in your living room. If you truly feel suicidal you can also check yourself into your nearest hospital, you can even just call 911.

Hang on, you are in the hardest part, you will get through.

I think you are doing the right thing asking for a divorce. But you may not see that right away. Take care of you first!

It hurts. Take it one day at a time. Keep an open mind. You're angry and hurt but you still love her very much. Try and slow everything down. Go to counceling if you can. Just don't go charging off a cliff. She obviously loves you very much as well. Call a hotline, a friend, go to a Na or Aa meeting. Anything to not feel lost and alone.

I suggest that any relationship issues be put on hold for the moment.

You are going to need to be at your best to deal with those matters, and clearly, that is NOT now.

I think a real good unload would do you good. Someone to listen to you unload. A friend. A relative. A help line.

Get a hold of someone, and pour it out.

Don't **** about, pick up that phone now.

Tread your own path.