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Wedding Anniversary ---oops.....!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, just a quick story to share.

I awoke this morning, after now many, many months of; a) sexlessness and rejection from my wife, b) sleeping alone in the guest room, c) no hugs, no kisses, zero affection, and , as she slept , in our bedroom and the kids slept, i went to early mass ( 7:30AM) by myself to pray for strength and guidance. After mass, I went straight to the gym and had a nice run/workout, after-which I stopped to get a Sunday paper and coffee on my way home.

As I sat and enjoyed my coffee and read the Sunday paper in the kitchen, my wife walks in and we have the now standard exchange of "good mornings",,,,,,upon which she follows up with a "Happy Anniversary".......

I am soooo far removed from thinking of us as married anymore,,,,,,that I completely removed that once annual celebration from my mind subconsciously........which even caught me off guard.

I looked at the calendar,,,and shared that I am not in "that gear" ,,,and we both stood awkwardly for a few moments,,,,,, neither initiating a hug,,,, that luckily ended with daughter ( 12 years old) walking in and took the edge off.

I am not sure which is worse,,,,,,,,,,,and I will put it to a vote here in ILIASM.

A. Me, forgetting the annivesary,,( which was a first) and not having a card/gift.

or

B. Her, knowing what day it was / remembering it/ and wishing me "happy anniversary",,and not having a card/gift....

Taking all votes and comments.


PTI
deleted deleted 26-30 18 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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Worse?? Like that matters. Your brain is fried!

Call your priest and tell him everything you told us.

In most churches that celebrate mass, refusal to have sex is grounds for nullifying the marriage. I did not know that before I got married. No priest ever told me that. I learned that here on ILIASM from poor suckers like you and me who suffered in an unloving marriage before we did.

Kick her to the curb!!!

I'd like to ask you PTI, is your wife frequently in denial about what is clearly a fact? Like does she ignore bad behavior of other people, live in la-la land, etc? Remember, this sort of thing is a deliberate choice on her part to surgically excize the parts of your marriage she wants gone. And she wants YOU to join her delusion to boot!

I guess I get to be the ***** wife, because I'm just not interested in having sex with someone I no longer feel connected with. The only time he even acknowledges I exist is if he wants sex. I love my hubby of 20 years, but there are no hugs or hand holding, just the occasional grope if he wants sex later that day. I'm with a 2 year old all day, and when I go to bed, I want to go to sleep. We exist in reasonable peace, but I want to be HAPPY...and I' not.

Ours...I also have a 22 year old, then we have a 19 and a 16 year old. All three taking college courses, but the younger of the three is still in HS.

I believe that my marriage is sacred and I still TRY to be the wife I am called to be, but I know that the months that go by do NOT make him happy. He is a good guy and a great provider. All our time goes to our children, so I still have hope for the :us" part. And honestly, my hubby forgets our anniversary more often than not, and it doesn't really bother me. My guess is that your spouse is just looking for something else to be upset with.

A few months before I filed was Valentines Day, I was talking with an EP friend and we thought I should make one final ditch half *** effort and see what happens. With no talk to the EX I went out and got a card and when I got home from work I gave it to her. Her response was "Oh", and had nothing in return. That was kinda the final nail in the coffin, eventually I talk to a lawyer and moved out. She was shocked by my action, but it was a marriage that was well past done. You can go through the motions for the rest of your life or start over, it's your call.

Now, let's see.

A bit of printed card with some trite shvte on it.

A loving sesh with someone who loves you.

Which has meaning?

I always favor honesty. Your honest oversight is better than her knowing but not acting.



Two years ago, right before our 25th my refuser was adamant that we should have a big-deal anniversary trip.  He was hurt and offended when I said that I saw nothing to celebrate, and unless he committed to fixing the sex problem, I wasn't interested in a trip.  He promised, I made the reservations.  We went, but he'd done nothing to fix it - no sex, big shock.  A year later I told him that I was done, and suddenly he got serious about fixing it.  Another year later, therapy and even some actual sex has occurred - and it's really just too damned late.  I'm done. 



How many more anniversaries do you think you can last?

I feel ya. At this point, the idea of having sex with H has zero appeal. It's been years of me talking, complaining, wondering, trying and feeling rejected. That bus has clearly left the station.

Anniverasrys are for those that are married, happy and having sex. You did the right thing. There is nothing here to acknowledge.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

The last anniversary with NDX, I was in Texas...working. It was summer and instead of a summer off, I was doing an internship to keep my certification. I remembered but waited for him to say or do something. He did neither. When I returned, I took him out to dinner and told him it was for the anniversary he hadn't bothered to mention. Understand: that as part of my time away (which he pitched an absolute fit about even though it was for my job), I told him to "make my time away special, court me, see your doctor, make me *want* to be back home, blah, blah, blah..." He did none of it. Although he did whine a great deal about how he missed me...while he listed all the things I did for him that he was missing. It was during this time that I realized that none of it was about me. It was all about HIM.

*Special note: he "saw" a doctor after I left or so he told me. Told me "that problem" was all fixed -- you know, the one that didn't exist. I found out when I was cleaning up after his death that what he did was get a sample of androgel (or whatever it's called) and didn't actually SEE a doctor for that problem. In fact, he hadn't seen anyone but his pain doctor for seven years.

Princess StopLyingNow

Mine actually did get an Rx...and it pissed me off to no end! 1st, if you're diabetic stop eating sugar that wrecks havoc on the vascular system, including the vascalature of the penis. 2nd, The Rx does no good in your sock drawer!

Anniversary ?

Marks a time of recommittment - or de-committment.

Tread your own path.

Sorry! i think she is playing games women play. Sexless, she lets you sleep alone alone, no affection, no hugs no kiss,then she wants you to celebrate an anniversary? Screw that, even if i remembered, i would act like i didn't. WTF!!!

I'm trying to remember the last time my husband remembered our anniversary without my mentioning it. If we didn't celebrate the anniversary of our business, it would probably be forgotten by all, as they are a week apart. The one thing that really surprises me is that he is looking forward to next years party, as it is our 25th, and the business' 15th, two big numbers. He wants an even bigger party that we'd ever had. I won't argue of course. But then I know the year after will be on me, as usual. I've just grown to expect it.

I think there's nothing worse than remembering the date, and then standing in the card isle, not wanting to buy anything.

my sentiments exactly, i have been in the situation and the cards weren't saying anything i felt from a selfish woman that starves me sexually and does not care about my emotional needs.

wonder if it was some sort of "test" she was putting you thru. like, really....what was she thinking? yeesh.

i can't say which is worse; both are awkward, painful, even, dare i say....annoying?

good that your 12 y/o broke the awkward moment for you. maybe a conversation with your wife is in order....depends on you.

told my husband 3 valentines' days ago: don't buy me roses anymore. and also refuse to go out to dinner to celebrate a day meant to celebrate lovers, with my husband, who is anything but, for the past 4 yrs. now he buys me a card and gets a gift for our daughter and a token gift for me from her. would look strange to her if he bought nothing....but nothing is what i've come to expect.

more i think about it, more inclined (in your shoes) to have a "why did you bring it up/what were you thinking?" brief conversation. because it's just odd, to my way of thinking.

fwiw, ymmv

This year was our 15th. He said not a word. I forgot, too.

I agree with mvcmvc...GeeDiddy said it even better.

I vote you stop faking.

Ignore the anniversary. You are not obliged to respond to her greeting - she is allowed to mark the day if she so chooses and that is strictly her call.

Same here. Motions. Dead people walking around. So much to say but no courage to say it. Broken.

It is the strength to push to the constant communication that is so hard to achieve in the first part and maintain in the second. Yet the option is to pace along as you get older.

About a decade or so ago. We both started forgetting our anniversary. I would forget about it as well. It was no big deal, we used to go out to dinner all the time anyway. Now, I am really sad about not having honored our marriage by remembering it. My brutal opinion is that it is ugly to forget, but uglier to remember, mention it without a gift, card or just a hug. But then again who wants to be a part of an ugly contest, much less win one.