Lost

Mate, you seem to have a handle on "why" things aren't working out well for you. USE that knowledge to change your life. See a therapist. Be open to confronting your own beliefs, ideas and habits. Recognise that what you have been doing does NOT work for you and that, if you are ever going to find true happiness, YOU need to change. . . .

Do you know the definition of madness?
Doing the same thing over and over
For ever and ever
Expecting a different result.

If you want to bring about change in your life, it is YOU who needs to change.
Difficult? Very.
Painful? Absolutely.
Necessary? Without a doubt.
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

Good Luck!

This is a turn the page time in your life.

You have had others in life that were difficult and they will come in the future as well.

Embrace your experience and reach out for help.

You will get this behind you!

Fight to live fully. Watch your surroundings, they need you.

Mate sorry for your pain but thoughts of harming yourself are not the way to go. Keep reading here and posting as you like.

You will find getting it off your chest and getting some support even if it is from strangers online can be quite theraputic.

Just keep in mind where one door closes another one opens. Things do get better.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

It feels hopeless in part, i feel that in your writing, yet you know in your heart you can find your way. Your writing here is a step. You're county health office will have resources and I certainly hope you find the courage and energy to call them even as you read this. Many here have much insight and the same sort of story but only you feel your story completely. So from one hick to another us hicks are worth that phone call.