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Summertime blues

Just wanted to make the observation that the story "all that glitters" needs to be read by everyone in this group!

You see, everyone thinks my H is a sweet guy. He's quiet, nice, polite and gentle. If asked to do something, it's never a problem. Hes great with his kids, works hard as a dog, and is home every night. He doesn't drink, do drugs, watch TV, party or run around. When I encourage him to go out, he has a few good buddies he hangs out with every once in a while, and plays paintball 3-4 times a year.

I mean, the man is perfect, right?

Well that little bubble people had painted around us sure got burst this summer. Oh, nothing too dramatic, but it was telling.

As I do every summer, I went to my parents farm (about a 7 hour drive) for a month or so with the four kids.

My H works 12 hour shifts, 6 on, 5 off. When he started this new shift (right after I had baby number 4, yipee skipee, blah) he was all excited because with 5 days off, we could really do some fun stuff as a family. So while I was at the farm, his first 5 days off came up, and I asked if he would come visit. I was tired of doing IT ALL with the kids (my parents are no help, another story), but he said he wanted to get some stuff done around the house.
Fair enough

11 days later, his next 5 days off comes up, AND it's our 15th wedding anniversary.

*Oops, here I must inject a bit of background. In the month or so leading up to summertime, H had an epiphany that we needed more fun and celebrating in our life, and that creating special moments for my special days was something he would focus on. (All his special days are celebrated, thanks to me ) Wow, was I ever excited about this transformation. *

I call to see if he's coming to the farm this time, and he waffles, doesn't answer. WELL, my friends and family all figure that he's going to surprise me for our anniversary! Of course he will, even my unromantic-refuser-ocd-disfuctional parents figure this is what is going on.

ok, we all know where this is going. He doesn't show up.

I was so embarrassed and humiliated. I hated being pitied. But it was good at the same time too, for once even I couldn't hide the fact that sometimes, he's a real jackass.

Anyways, I'm angry, tell him off, then let it go. What's the point? We talk about celebration, having fun times together, that playing together is important, etc etc.

I know he's coming over the next week because he's coming camping with the whole family. A yearly ritual. Also, the 2 days before we leave for camping he'll have another chance to take me out......since it's my birthday.

guess what happened then?

He avoided it by hanging out with my dad, far out on the property, until it was too late, really.

I later asked him what the hell he was thinking, what all this talk about fun, etc was about.

His reply

"I did what felt right in the moment"

Doesn't get clearer, does it?



redwaterlady redwaterlady 36-40, F 7 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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Ye gods, you must be pulling your hair out with exasperation, just about. That really sounds like Mr. Oblivious, Mr. Emotional-Klutz unless it's Mr. I-really-don't-want-to-engage-intimately.

Not that it makes much of a difference to you, on the receiving end, as so many others on iliasm continue to point out. I've managed to patch the intimacy levels in my marriage to a level between very good and excellent, but only with the realization that I've given up any hope of engaging sexually or passionately; my wife just can't bear passion, or so it would seem. That works for me in terms of 'perfect partner to grow old with', we've certainly got one hell of a lot more going on at all times than those people who describe their relationship as "roommates" (where I would've been at, barely, 3 years ago when I joined iliasm for the first time). Alas, it still leaves me looking for passion somewhere in my life.
{heavy sigh}

Neither you nor I, it seems to me, has an abusive spouse, but even so the question is there: what can we put up with, where's the line in the sand, where can we compromise without utterly compromising our aspirations in life. I guess we all have to find that out for ourselves.

I can live with no more marzipan, no more Belgian truffles nor french fried potatoes for the rest of my life - but give up passion entirely? Um ..... not so sure on that one!

-P.

My 30th anniversary is coming up. For the last few years I try to ignore it altogether but usually we end up going out to eat with our grown children. We celebrate very little anymore. What is the point it is all fake and my kids know it. So our anniversary is coming up on the 23rd of oct, he leaves the 24th for a trip with friends I don't really care for. I was suppose to go but wheedled out of it. We did this last year I spent my anniversary drunk in a bar while he kissed his friends ***. I am even more depressed about this one as I had intended to divorce by now but still I am hoping in the next 6 months. Anyway now his friends I don't care for are coming here before the trip so not only will they be here on our anniversary but some stranger ( a friend of theirs) is coming here Tuesday to meet up so they can all leave together Wed. I doubt he will even remember it is our anniversary at all which is fine what will be bad is if he brings it up in front of them. They turned our valentines day into hell because they were saying we should have wild sex apparently he pretends everything is fine and they don't realize it has been 7 years...ughhhhhh

honey, if you don't like em, and don't/didn't want em in your house, why pretend for em? let it rip....truth or however much of it you can handle saying out loud. i know you know this but....the sooner you see an atty & get started, the sooner you can ate it happen. he ain't gonna drive that bus. IMO, fwiw. ymmv.

My value yardstick that Baz was referring to:

Instead of thinking about your life, marriage, etc in binary terms of good or bad, think of it in VALUES.

In what ways, specifically, do your husband and marriage to him ADD value to your life?

In what ways, specifically, do your husband and marriage to him SUBTRACT value from your life?

From there you can make a better determination as to what path to take in the future.

mvc: love this. the value add at this point? he's a great father.

everything else is value drain.

and he can still be a great father.

thanks mvc! I was looking all over for your story.

Geez this guy is intimacy averse! And he will do anything to avoid it. Anything! I am not a psychologist but I would guess that those who are intimacy averse do not become less so over time, even though I used to be silly enough to think otherwise myself.

Yep it truly is amazing at just how much crap otherwise smart people will put up with from their partner.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

That's just horrible..and you are right,can't get any clearer than that.

I tend to think it DOE'S get clearer.

Each act of thoughtlessness / idiocy / intimacy aversion is accumulating knowledge for you sister red.

At some stage, the evidence piles up high enough to satisfy your individual standard of 'proof beyond reasonable doubt'. That point is a very individual standard. Varies from person to person.

But the evidence IS mounting.

It's YOUR call when it's "enough".

Tread your own path.

yup. I do hear you. Interesting that some of us almost need our deadbeats to be completely deranged, all bad, one step away from becoming evil incarnate before we consider calling TOD on the union?

Reckon mvcmvc's life "enhancing / depleting" yardstick has a fair bit going for it. It won't make the call any easier, but will make the call clearer.

ill check it out, thanks.