It's Just The Sex....everything Else Is Fine! Is It? A Questionaire.....Okay. So, you have little to zero sex. But, everything else is fine.
Once upon a time, I thought that my spouse was a dear friend, if not a lover.
Hindsight is twenty/twenty, and I know realize that my so-called friend was a verbally abusive control freak who used me for financial security and safety. My spouse was not only not much of a friend, he was abusive. Deep down, I knew there was more going on then the lack of sex, but I was so close to the relationship and caught up in the fear of loss, I couldn't see the obvious. It is only in the past couple of months after he called me a c (insert three letters) for the third time and blamed me for not seeing my daughter because I didn't give him gas money that I realized this person was never going to be a true friend. (We have now been apart for about two years with a very brief and awful reconciliation about a year ago).
I hope that you are not in the same type of emotional and psychological abusive hell that I lived for a decade. But, here are some questions to answer HONESTLY that might help you get a clearer perspective.
1. Outside of sex, does your spouse provide physical affection, cuddling, hugs, kisses, and warm human contact?
2. Are you allowed to express your emotional and physical needs without being invalidated, dismissed, or punished?
3. Does your spouse blame you for their inability to express intimacy in the marriage (i.e. if you just did this...if you only...if you were)?
4. Does your spouse blame you for his/her own problems?
5. Does your spouse make you accountable for their emotions and thoughts instead of owning them as his/her own?
6. Does your spouse try to control you outside the bedroom (i.e. choice of friends, activities, decision making, money)?
7. Does your spouse express compassion for your struggles or show contempt?
8. Do you feel you can talk to your spouse openly without fear of repercussion?
9. Do you have real fun together?
10. Do you dream together?
11. Do you hold grudges against each other?
12. Do you (or your children) walk on eggshells around your spouse to avoid
setting him/her off?
13. Are you treated with compassion and love?
14. Can you count on your spouse to follow through on his/her word?
15. Does your spouse constantly criticize, belittle, minimize, or ignore you?
16. Do you trust your spouse? Does he or she trust you?
17. Do you feel supported in your personal decisions and choices by your spouse?
18. Do you look forward to your future?
19. Is your spouse open and willing to work to make problems better in all areas?
20. Are you the emotional caretaker of the relationship?
21. Do you feel as if you didn't mention underlying problems in the marriage, they would never be discussed?
22. Does your spouse actively work to solve problems in the marriage and make
your relationship better?
Honestly assessing your situation is the first step to being able to truly work to improve it. Good luck to all!