Need Advice

I have been married to my wife for just over 3years. Our daughter was born 2 years ago.
Sex stopped pretty much as soon as she got pregnant.
Some background on my wife. She grew up in a bad home. Her father was controlling and a drunk and she never witnessed a health relationship. After having a guy break her heart right out of high school she changed her outlook on men. Used them for what she wanted and sex was a way to control men.
I met her and while she let her guard down, I still believe that most of the sex we had when we first started to date was because the wanted to but it had the added benefit of manipulating me too. I am a very sexual person. I prefer to have sex 3 to 4 times a week. If I’m not having sex I want to take matters in my own hands so to speak. She knew this about me and at first had no problem keeping up. I know that things slow down especially with kids but everything stopped from kissing no flirting no playfully petting. It was slow at first and every so often I would think things were going to get better. I could tell she was trying. But it wasn’t enough for me and I still wanted more. Once every 6 weeks just want enough. Nothing like the lack of sex to turn a man in to a complete irrational person, I would push for more even when I know it was hard for her to give me more than what she was. This just drove a wedge in between us more. The sex started to dwindle and her effort got less. Last December we had great sex then about six weeks later she gave me a very nice blow job then about 6 weeks later I got a lack luster hand job. Then nothing. I brought the subject up and after hours of talking, her crying and me feeling like crap we went to bed. The next week of course I got a hand job. But these "MERCY" jobs are worse than if I do it myself. This has happened a few times since as well. She sits there with no emotion, no lust, she won’t let me touch her, and I’m suppose to enjoy it and be happy again. Then when I’m not she feels like why should she bother. If I try to give her some pointers like hey try this or it feels good when you do this she get her feelings hurt. Then last month was my birthday I asked for my favorite thing a bj. We got home from a nice movie laid down in bed and preceded to try to connect. It was so awkward. I could tell she didn’t want anything but if I tried she wouldst say no. I tried to bring her out of her shell with some playful wrestling and that started to work but she wouldn’t touch my penis. Sometimes I feel like she thinks my penis is a poisons snake and if she touched it she would die. She just kept avoiding it. After an hour of pretending this wasn’t awkward we finally started to kiss. I felt like she was starting to get in to it and she was doing a good job of kissing me I moved in to position and still without her touching it I started to make love to my wife. But it just went cold. It was like what ever had been building up inside her went out when I entered her. Instead we had award sex for 20 minutes where I basically had to force my ****** and called it a night. It wasn’t sex it wasn’t making love it was simply an ends to a means. This weekend 4 weeks later I tried thought I would try to get things going first. I usually wait for her since I don’t want her to feel pressured. I hate knowing she is only doing it because I pushed not because she wanted to. She went out with some friends I put our daughter to bed early and set a massage table and candles. I didn’t plan on sex. I knew that would be asking for too much I had just hoped for some intimacy. I figured it would be nice to rub my wife’s body. She loves back rubs so I thought that she would enjoy my touch as well. When she arrived home I could see she was happy she was going to get a massage but was scared that she might have to do more. What a great look to see in your wife’s eyes btw. I quickly put to rest that I wasn’t expecting anything more. I did however try to move in and help her get undressed. It didn’t need to be sexual but I did want it to be intimate. She shied away from me instead. She quickly undressed herself and didn’t want my touch. So I laid her down and gave her a massage. Instead of trying to connect with me she went from talking about our daughter most of the time to critiquing my massage. Nothing bad but it wasn’t good talk either. I had hoped that she would hold my leg or brush against my leg at least as I stood next to the table. Kiss me after it was done to tell me she loved it and show me we connected. Cuddle with me for a few minutes after it was done. Instead she got up and got ready for bed while I put everything away. She didn’t try to connect at all.

So I am asking what do I do. And please don’t start with just leave her. I am on my second marriage. My first wife left me for reasons we couldn’t control (not related to our sex life). It was hell for me. I am a strong believer in marriage and the vow we take to one another. It is not something you break easily in my mind. All couples have problems but if you are married you make a comment to try VERY hard to work though them. I love my wife with all of my heart. She is a great wife in every other aspect. She is a great mother to our daughter and I enjoy her company completely. She is my best friend and I rely on her moral for support in my business and in life. If I left we would lose our house I would lose seeing my daughter and losing our house means I would lose my business as well as my house is the collateral on my business loan. Leaving is just not an option for me. But is staying in a sexless marriage an option…..
firewater2 firewater2
31-35, M
10 Responses Sep 24, 2012

Firewater2, I have a non-traditional suggestion for you that you have probably not considered yet. When a man in marriage begins to put pressure on his wife to have sex several times a week it can be a turn off not matter how much you love or are attracted to your husband. It begins to seem like a chore. I am not saying this is right or wrong, I am just saying that can happen and the more she turns you down the more you beg or pester her for it.
My question to you is how well do you know the female body and how well do you know how to bring her to an ****** or multiple for that matter. Do you know her needs as a sexual woman or do you just do what you think you should do or what you assume is giving her physical pleasure. Many men are not expert on the anatomy of the female and how to find the clitoris and how to play to give her a good ******. A woman will look at sex as more of a chore if she is not getting enough foreplay for herself or great *******. My question also is, If she were not fulfilled by you sexually, would she talk to you about it or would she not want to hurt your feelings because she does love you so much.
You say you love everything about her and it does sound like you have a good relationship with her. I would suggest taking the lead in a discussion where you tell her openly that you want to please her as her lover and find out where, how, and how long she enjoys being touched and fondled before she has intercourse. Tell her you want the constructive criticism so that you can meet her needs. Women, especially as they get older need alot of foreplay. Your job from this point forward is to concentrate more on her than yourself, because believe me, good things will automatically come to you if you do. She is definitely more likely to give you the attention you desire, but the difference is she will want to give it to you.
Might I also say that sex toys are a fantastic way to add new adventure to your sex life and if you introduce them you will probably be her hero! Vibrators on the clitoris give a woman an ****** like she has never had before. You could do this for her. Different positions also offer some deeper intercourse that can be more fulfilling to her. Anal sex is also something I have become a fan of because if done right for a short time can be a real turn on. Alot of oil and take it slow and shallow to start. Rub her back with your penis before you enter her and get her in the mood. Perhaps a well written book on sexual positions could give you a secret advantage on pleasing her. You could also both read it and see what you could do differently to enhance your sex life.
Talking about her past and this and that, and addressing it from an emotional perspective may be irrelevant at this point. I hope I wasn't too blunt for you but I really think we skirt around the real issue sometimes and make it about "everything else". Take it from me, a fifty-one year old horny female, try these things and blow her away in the bedroom and she'll be begging you for it!

Man i wish it was that easy. I have tried everything. I enjoy sex and i get most of my pleasure from a womans pleasure. I learned a long time ago that if you can bring a woman to a point where she is so turned on and so in to the moment great things will *** so to speak. I love all forms of sex and especially love oral sex. In our early days of dating i would do this almost daily for her and on many occasions we would only do that as she was too worn out for anything else afterwards. This was never a problem because the next day she always wanted more and usually felt bad for "leaving me hanging" the night before. I have tried many toys (none she had found she likes) and have talked to her in great depths about what she enjoys and what she doesnt. The point here is when we do it and are both in to it we have a lot of fun. She is just nowhere near as sexual of a person as i am and if anything i think trying new things or talking about new things to try would only make her think all i think about is sex (which is true). She just is not in to it. She does not even ********** hasnt since she was in high school. Thank you though for your thoughts i do appreciate them and will have a small convo with her again to "check" if there is something more i could do or something she needs from sex other than what i am doing.

firewater2.......I have to tell you, you sound like a very considerate and reasonable young man. You seem to care about your wife very much and appreciate the other traits she has enough that you want to find a solution to the sexual appetite. The sexual relationship it critical to a fulfilling marriage. Without it, you could find yourself looking elsewhere even if that is not your intention. You sound so sicere and it seems like you don't want to hurt her. Since it seems like you have approached her about the problem in a gentle manner and nothing has changed, maybe some counseling is in order, or a trip to her Dr. There could be an underlying emotional or physical reason why she isn't interested sexually in the man who is supportive of her and her best friend.
You deserve to be recognized as a man and the sexual being that you are and I'm not sure she understands or appreciates that in you as her husband or recognizes the potential marital consequences if no solution is found. This sounds like an overall great marriage that can be enhanced and saved with some help. I just thought you should know from reading your initial post and your reply to what I posted that I think you are an awesome young man. I wish you the best. Don't give up........keep pursuing what is important to you and the marriage.

I don't think she relationship she had with her HS BF was anything more than her realizing she didn't have to be submissive to a man like her mom as been. I think simply put her family life sucked she didn't see a lot of intimacy from her parents and that left her to fall for that guy. He broke her heart and I think she just realized she never wanted what he wanted. She wasn't that interested in sex and from then on I don't think she had sex much because she craved it I think a lot of time not all the time though she had sex to control. I do think that like in most realationships the sex is always good at first but it was never a priority for her. And when "life got in the way" sex was the first thing cut. Now I really don't believe she feels the need for sex in her life. It isn't new and exciting anymore and there is no need to use it for controlling or playing games with me because things aren't like that with us. So for her it is an unnessasary task.
I have also made the mistake of making everything about sex. Asking for it every chance I got. Every touch was me trying to get some. Every action had a hidden agenda. This let her to feel "unsafe" with me now. Not saying that makes it ok but I know I didn't make things easy.
I have asked for cuddelling time this weekend. I am hoping to see where that goes. We need to start at the basics again i think. Make her confortable to be with me and feel safe. Then work on her issues of feeling like she does. Then maybe down the road turn things up a bit and bring the sexual stuff in to it.

Your wife unfortunately sounds like me :( I too gave no interest in my husband or his needs for 8 years. I went into menopause after female surgery and it wasn't found until I switched doctors and discovered my hormones were horrible and my testosterone was nearly gone. I started hormone therapy this year and feel like a new women and my libido returned in full force. However, I was too late...I discovered my spouse had been visiting prostitues these last few years to fullfill his needs. I'm devastated and cry all the time, but I'm starting to realize that I lead him to be unfaithful. He said he was so lonely and longed to be touched and hoped I would return someday. We decided to stay together and work things out. These last 6 months have been hell with a lot of crying and fighting, but we have become closer than we ever have been in our last 24 years of marriage. Have your wife read my comments...everything you wrote was me and perhaps she can get some help before it's too late.

She's such a great mother to your daughter she's risking her having an absent father or a poisonous resentful marriage? Wonderful. That she's not willing to put in the effort to make this a compassionate and growing relationship. Fantastic.

If you want seriously to improve and aren't (yet) willing to leave, can I suggest you get counselling. Her reaction to that, and the information you get from it will clarify your decisions if you are open to the reality and don't lie to yourself.

When you say leaving is not an option for you, can I respectfully suggest that is not a true statement? For one thing, she may leave you, you have no control over that. For another, if you read here, you will come to understand that as time goes by your brain will get scrambled and you will become desperate. Your emotions will take the decision for you if you supposedly rational mind does not. And you will find you have little control over that, for very good reasons - your emotions will look after you if you let them.

Because you love someone doesn't mean you have to live with them or have sex with them - especially not if you are making each other miserable.

BINGO: "She's such a great mother to your daughter she's risking her having an absent father or a poisonous resentful marriage?"

The massage technique is something that I can relate to. My technique is almost professional level. It's actually served me well for quite some time. But really, it's just another bandage for a terminal wound.

The story you tell is one where your wife doesn't love you. Or maybe she loves just a little, but doesn't respect you. Given that is happening so early, one has to wonder if you were simply convenient for her plans. I've know several women who married because time was running out and they wanted ***** and a financial provider. But they weren't in love, so after the husband did his part, they checked-out of the relationship.

Given that you can't leave for financial reasons, you are left with two realistic options. Learn to live without sex (i.e. self serve), or outsource your needs. The latter, or course, requires a certain type of personality and strong will. Some people won't consider it, but after many years of a sexless marriage, they become more open to alternatives.

If you had experienced a really good sex life with your spouse for many years, and then something suddenly changed, you might find that there is a resolvable problem. Unfortunately, your situation doesn't sound like that. Your spouse would do what you wanted while she was trying to land you. Once you've make the commitment, and performed your part in fathering, then there isn't much need for additional sex. Deciding to have a second child might buy you a month of good sex. But would you really want that?

I've been in a slowly declining sexless marriage for a lot of years. In retrospect, I wish I could turn back the clock and get out. No matter what the cost. It's something to think about.

I will not tell you to leave and I will not say to stay...that decision is strictly yours to make. I will say that you are among others who have faced simular situations even if not exactly the same. It will take both of you to save this marriage, just as it takes for any marriage. One sided marriage, commitment, or anything else never works. You are among friends, and we will give the support we can. Stay strong in whatever you choose to do. If there is one thing I have learned you are not alone.

<p>There is some reason your wife has gone off sex - it could be one of a thousand different things. But the "why" is irrelevant unless she can plainly tell you what it is. IF she can do that, then you can get down to some genuine work TOGETHER to address the issue.</P><br />
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<p>But if she can't or won't identify the problem, you could spend the next twenty years fruitlessly trying to guess what might make a difference. As you are so strongly of the opinion that you won't leave her, let me list some responses that you can leave out because they do NOT work!</P><br />
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<p>1) The "scented candles routine" - rarely works more than once or twice. Is well known to be ineffective in resolving the problem if sexlessness is entrenched in the marriage. Works best in a situation where a wife (or husband) is miffed because their partner is "unromantic". Then scented candles, rose petals, champagne, romantic music, dim lights, etc. etc. etc. might be useful. Sadly, your marriage is NOT among these.</P><br />
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<p>2) The "do more housework" routine - this is where you take on more and more of the household and family chores. You do this for two reasons - to relieve her of duties so she is less tired (and therefore more likely to be willing to have sex) and because you want her to view you in a good light. Unless your wife is seriously over-burdened with chores and doing far MORE than her fair share (which would indicate you have been a lazy partner) then she is unlikely to turn into a sexually responsive woman because you sort the laundry or take your child to the park.</P><br />
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<p>I am certainly NOT saying that you shouldn't do your fair share - but doing more than your fair share is most unlikely to turn your relationship around.</P><br />
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<p>3) the "what is good for the goose is good for the gander routine" - this is where YOU deny her what she wants as punishment for her lack of sexual intimacy with you. A few people have found this gives the partner a "wake up call" and therefore the refusing spouse starts to at least talk about it. But many find it simply makes matters worse - because now she has something "concrete" to hold against you. As in "I'm not having sex with him because he is so mean to me."</P><br />
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<p>4) the "I'll give her some space routine" - this is where you think that she might be feeling "pressured" and that by backing off from intimacy and avoiding any sexual activities at all, she will realise that she wants sex with you and becomes your true partner again. Sadly, the most common outcome to this strategy is that the refusing spouse sighs (inwardly!) with relief and is delighted you have given up on sex! It seems that they (the refuser) have managed to convince you that sex is not needed in your marriage. Believe me when I say that the LAST thing they will do is to re-introduce the subject themselves!!</P><br />
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<p>You do need to have a serious talk with her about how her behaviour (or non-behaviour) is impacting your marriage. There are a number of stories here on ILIASM with suggestions for this Talk. I suggest you read one of mine called "The Talk - an ILIASM Staple". </P><br />
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<p>Until your wife is in full possession of the facts - that is, until she truly understands how her behaviour is a potential deal breaker for her marriage - she is not likely to make any changes to her behaviour. You can confidently expect to live for another fifty years or more. Do you fancy living as you are for nearly twice as long as you have already been alive???</P>

No matter what your spouse's problems and experiences that lead to her refusing you, the problem for YOU is still the same. And how much effort she puts into resolving those problems so that she can be the type of spouse you need and want tells you all you need to know about how much she values YOU as a spouse.

Is she going to counselling? Consulting doctors? Going to ACOA meetings? Talking with you at length about her issues and how to work around them?

Or do her actions state "your problem, not mine, I will never change"?

What sort of a relationship image do you want your child to grow up with? Do you want your child to think the tension in your house is normal?

"I am a strong believer in marriage and the vow we take to one another." You may be, but it takes TWO. Is she honouring her vows to you by her behaviour?

I won't tell you to leave her. That's a decision only you can make. Best of luck though, there are very, very few people on here who have made any sort of real change - maybe two or three I can think of out of 30,000+ - and it takes BOTH/TWO to make the change.

I get your position about "vows" and "trying hard enough".

But I figure these are generic terms you are applying to "other people". How hard or otherwise "other people" try at their marriage is totally irrelevant to YOUR marriage.

Now, if you are actually saying "I" haven't tried hard enough, well, off you go - and try harder.

The fact that your scented candles technique has not worked is actually a very clear indicater that your marriage is not just "jaded", it's ******. But, to establish the truth or otherwise of that, have another round of scented candles and see if it works this time.

If it doesn't, and you are then satisfied that YOU have tried hard enough, you'll know the union is ******, and you'll need to govern yourself accordingly.

Tread your own path.

Brother firewater you are in a difficult spot here and some honest assesment of your predicament would be very helpful to your situation.

For whatever reason it is obvious your wife has lost attraction to you. This could be a result of many things, like hidden resentment, a third party being in the picture that you dont know about etc.

It really is important that you examine all these things and not discount any of them. In your story you have revealed that you have decided to go down the massage / scented candles path. You will soon realise that you can perform saint like miracles as well but until you get to the underlying problem of why she isn't affectionate with yourself you ain't getting some.

You have also made it clear that you wish to stay in the marriage and for the time being you will not consider leaving her.

I would suggest however that you try and change the status quo a little as it seems at the moment she has all the nice trappings of marriage / life and you are getting a dud deal. You run a business, support the family emotionally, financially, whatever. You have obviously provided a nice little security blanket and in return she does minimal to see to your needs.

And you are right there is nothing worse than the mercy sex act provided and them acting like they are doing you this great favour and making you feel like in the process.

If it were me i would visit a Divorce Lawyer and find out my options, and start to prepare an exit strategy and keep it in my back pocket. Even if you dont plan on leaving now it will assist you dramtically if you decide this later or she decides you are no longer needed in her life.

After finding out your rights i would sit her down and have an honest discussion with her about what should change in your marriage and what your expectations are. Make it clear that you will no longer accept the current situation without raising your voice. Actions speak louder than words.

Keep reading up here. You will soon form a clearer picture of what you need to do.

Stay Strong & Good Luck