Friends With Out Benefits

I'd love to know if anyone was able to remain friends after their separation or divorce. Do you have any break up advice? I am getting closer everyday, and I've been running the dreaded scenario over and over in my mind. I think he will either be enraged or completely depressed and threaten to kill himself. He is already under a lot of stress due to his job, but I keep trying to protect him (at my expense). You would think he would be relieved, because he wouldnt have to feel pressure to fulfill any obligations (sexually speaking). Today I'm at 90% chance of leaving. I'm gonna hang in for a while to see how the next month goes. In fact I'm sure I'll put up with things for a little while longer, because I'm scared and nervous about how they will unfold. Thanks in advance for your feedback...
Unjusted Unjusted
41-45, F
9 Responses Sep 24, 2012

My ex and I became friendlier after we separated and all the legal stuff was done with. There is no longer a reason for me to resent her, not as strongly at least.

When I got divorced my ex and the kids all hated me, the kids were all grown but eventually my ex and I became friends and my daughter forgave me. If you ever need to talk to someone just send me a message.

Thanks Pmac! I will :)

No husband should ever refuse his wife unless he has medical problems. My wife and I have not been intimate for 5 years because of medical problems. I can`t blame her and we still love each other but does get lonely.

you'll be waiting for the rest of your life leaving might just save your marriage

Do you mean by creating a crisis and forcing him to face the issue?


Unjusted, I see so many similarities however it is unfair of me to say what your husband may or may not do. I would err on the side of caution always and agree that presenting how you feel with no accusations as Enna suggested as a tool to deflect any anger he may have or act out. It will help to remain calm and also use the word "I"a lot. "How I feel instead of how you have failed me." When you feel ready to discuss things with him watch how he reacts. Anything that he says or does that brings fear to you requires that you leave the premises immediately. This is why a planned place of refuge is necessary.

No person should live in fear and my heart aches for you as I remember those years very well. One thing I did do was contact a women's abuse hotline to seek advice and every larger town or city has safe houses to go to if necessary. This is of course a worst case scenario but knowledge is power and knowing that you have a refuge may give you some relief from your fears. There is a 1-800 number in the phone book or on the internet and you can be confidential to protect your privacy until you act if it becomes necessary to leave. They will NOT contact your husband. They also offer legal assistance as many women have limited finances when they leave. Children are also welcome along with their mothers and the agency will assist in permanent housing.

Help is available if a person knows where to look. Knowing that you are not alone with your fears is a huge help. Validation that so many of us need in times as these, Unjusted.

I do not want to cause anyone reading this to think that I am trying to frighten them but life has taught me to be very cautious concerning people who are a potential danger. I will also add that men can be the victims of angry spouses who react with violent acts against their husbands. Heed any warning signs and act prudently. The old saying "Better safe than sorry." still holds true. Peace,D

Everything will possibly be fine until one of you starts seeing another person. That is when the will hit the fan.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

We are separated and living together (different floors, same house).

ADvice is to know what is important to you and stick to it, while realizing that assigning blame is not going to get you anywhere you want to go. I agree with enna. You have to not let your own buttons be pushed, but stay firm on exactly your own needs in life. Very, very difficult to do with refuser-types, though. Best of luck.

Thanks Z-winger... Prepare for the worst, hope for the best :)

In my opinion the key to what you want lies in YOUR behaviour. It is important I believe to be honest, fair, respectful and to avoid blame and criticism. Talk about how you need different things - rather than how he has failed. Tell him you are deeply saddened because you care for him but you can see that neither of you can be really happy in your present relationship.

Don't take the blame either - this is NOT your fault. It doesn't have to be seen as "you're wrong or I'm wrong" but rather as "this relationship is not right for either of us."

Avoid being sarcastic, over emotional, nasty or critical - if you can! Simply explain your point of view and be ready to stand up for yourself if he criticises you. Don't attack if that happens. Simply be dignified and say something like "You are entitled to your opinion but I don't agree with you."

In the wash up of your marriage act fairly, honourably and avoid being punitive. It might fel good for a brief time to score at his expense, but long term you just defeat your own objectives.

IF he threatens suicide, tell him that you are sorry to hear he is thinking of that but that YOU will not be responsible for HIS choices. Tell him that if he mentions this again you will assume he is serious and call 911 on his behalf.

And take note of Dartist's comments about being safe. If you fear for your own safety or that of those around you, take those fears seriously. Too many lives have been lost because women could not bring themselves to believe their husbands would ever act violently towards them . . .

And Baz makes an excellent point about you being unable to control your husband's behaviour. If he chooses to take it badly and react badly, that is his choice -NOT your responsibility. He may choose to behave badly in order to frighten you into changing your mind - do NOT let this happen. This is bully tactics and should not be successful.

Every best wish for a calm, controlled, rational, fair and respectful end to your marriage.

I read your comment on someone else's story that you and your x were able to remain friendly, and was hoping you had some wisdom to impart :) Thanks for the advice and support.

I can relate to what you are feeling as I was in a similar position some years ago. Your inner voice is telling you something important as you are fearful and nervous. If you are afraid of him in any way make a plan to leave and get to a safe place and handle a separation or divorce from there. You are not responsible for your husband's decisions or choices. This is not cruel but a matter of your own survival.

Living with a person in a state of fear takes a huge toll and he obviously is giving off clues as to what he may do. Mature rational people can handle a separation and divorce even though this will bring some pain and an life change. I wish you well. Peace,D

I'm not sure if it's the depression talking, or my inner voice. I'm usually very optimistic, but in this situation I fear the worst. Would he rather not live without me, then live with out me? Or maybe I've seen to many criminal dramas and news stories on TV depicting murder suicides. Maybe I think too highly of myself, that he would even fight for us. Urgh... so many thoughts - so little space left in my head to contain them all. Thanks for your care and concern. Stay tuned...

Inner voices are to be heeded IMO. For example, it never crossed my mind that my x would hurt me - and he didn;t. Yours might not either - but the very fact that you have a niggling fear that it COULD happen suggests it is a possibility. PLEASE take appropriate care.

I am on quite good terms with my ex missus. I visit her (and my kids) every 6 weeks or so, and I stay at her place when I am there.

When I knew I was going to leave, part of my exit strategy was to make my role in the departure respectful and amicable. How she chose to re-act was up to her. She didn't re-act real well initially I gotta say, but I maintained my position, and eventually the heat died down.

You are only going to be able to control YOUR behaviour and attitude when this gets to the pointy end sister U. Whatever behaviour your spouse re-acts with THEY own. Not you.

Tread your own path.

Thanks again for reading and responding :)