Made A Decision Today

Dear friends, because that is how I see you all, today I decided to stop all the hurt, stop all the pain and ask for a divorce. My husband of 20 years looked at me and then looked down the garden where we have recently moved and said "Shame, I love this house." I will post my full story soon but please know that if you are in this situation it will never improve and that these weirdos genuinely do not get it. And it will never change,
Chrysalis1202 Chrysalis1202
22 Responses Sep 25, 2012

This was my first post. My update is that I am now living on my own and while it is really scary and I have no idea what the outcome will be, I feel hopeful and also happy that I have made a stand about who I am and who I am not. Thanks again to all those who have responded. I really appreciate your comments and support. Best Regards, xxx

Thank you all for your responses, very much appreciated. Overwhelming actually because this is the first time I've posted anything anywhere. So thanks again.

In terms of an exit plan or "where to next" I have to confess that my focus is solely on me now. Which is slightly uncomfortable but also exciting. In shifting my focus I have made some very positive changes: I've started a part-time job which I absolutely love, working with very clever people who are nice and very respectful of each other (weird concept eh? Will never catch on :-) ); I've moved into a separate bedroom from my husband (feels much more authentic); I've started making some really fantastic friends in the community we've just moved to; I've got my bike out of storage and have spent many hours out and about in the countryside which is very healing. All of this is making me much stronger and I'm beginning to feel happy. I need this strength as my situation caused me to have a nervous breakdown a year ago (I finally realised and accepted the true reality of my marriage and freaked out - would have loved to have known about this site then) and I have some challenges ahead.

My challenges are:

1.My husband doesn't want to divorce so I will have to take the initiative on everything. I understand this, I'm not in denial about the consequences and I'm preparing myself for it.

2. I have to learn how to drive (!!!!). Bonkers or what? :-)

3. I'm taking much, much better care of myself now, but I need to cut out my drinking which can be on the heavy side, depending on what's happening at the time.

Other than that everything feels ok - I actually feel excited about the future and not scared anymore. It's fun learning to be me again.

I'll keep you updated on progress and one day I'll post my story.

Thanks again,

I have a story which is kind of different from others, I wanna know if anyone can listen to me and suggest me on what I can do

Love yourself! You deserve to be loved!

I wish I had your courage, and self-respect! Good luck. I'll be following you with interest.


I feel your pain. When a spouse/friend shows you who they really are, believe them. The first time.

Sorry. I guess you are done talking to yourself? Have you brought in anyone to counsel with you? Not necessarily a professional...just someone who can be trusted and who give a s**t?

Have you got a do-able exit strategy in your pocket ?

Tread your own path.

What do all of you expect him to say after Chrysalis1202 asked him for a divorce? Maybe the "house" answer was his way of saying that he misses her but was too hurt or embarrassed to say it directly.

His response just proved why he was staying with you. He loved the house and not you. At least the loser gave you an honest response.

You can now see this as a fresh start.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

ray3218>>>Better question is, why did I make this mistake when the words "I do" came up?

gypsy>>>.why? cause these types .."REFUSERS" > are charmers, excellent actors, very good at deceit! they know the game so well they even blind side themselves.... that's why the " i do " is not rejected...

I am so sorry. My parent divorced 15 years ago and I remember how much my dear mom was hurting through the process. But it gets better is all I can say. Don't fear. There is no "unbearable" in life provided we are still healthy-physically and mentally.

You know, you're lucky. He could have played the guilt card or made a bucket full of promises to change (blah, blah, blah.....) - everything to screw with your mind & heart. At least he made some sh*tty comment about the house - he cared more for the house than the relationship. He confirmed everything in that moment. As awful as this sounds - be grateful. At least you're not questioning your decision because of his f*cked up head games. He uses the word "shame".... Yes! SHAME on HIM for abandoning you. SHAME on HIM for hurting you. SHAME on HIM for throwing YOU away.

You don't deserve this. I'm happy you found the courage and strength to get the HELL out. I'm looking for that courage myself. it!

His words represent the universe delivering you the gift of certainty, cleaving away regret.

Are you serious? His first response was "I love this house"! That answer sums it up....must be a really nice fuc king house!

Congratulations on finding your truth and moving on with your life. Never, ever let someone value a house over you again...that's my new mantra too.

Great for you! I have so much work to do to get to the point where you are.

Best of luck!

In these awful but wonderful moments, this is when we are truly alive, truly ourselves.

Congratulations on letting yourself live.

Chrys, I think it is very revealing that your husband is more concerned with the loss of the house than the loss of a wife . . . ! I recall that one of the most revealing things my Ex ever said to me was when I said I was thinking of reducing my working week to part time rather than full time because I was getting over-exhausted and my health was suffering. He was already retired at this time and his response was "But if you do that I won't be able to travel overseas every year."

When we are confronted with the real priorities of our spouses (such as has happened to you) it becomes more of a question of "Why didn't I do this YEARS ago?"

Please know you will find much support here and that we are here to help you as you progress through the next difficult weeks. {{{hugs}}}

My ex said "This will be very difficult for me ... financially". Misses my paycheque? you bet. Misses my cooking? Probably. Misses me? not at all.

Ha! I was thinking about offering my husband dinner once a week just to make things easier to split. He lurves my cooking.

My stbx was also focused on her financial well being. Apparently by leaving I had reneged on providing for her. Never under-estimate the sense of entitlement which bubbles to the surface.

Oh no. I don't even have words to respond to this. Geez.