It's More Than a Lack of Physical Contact That Hurts

I thought that when my husband and I married, we were best friends. We are married almost 10 years to the day, but we haven't had sex in over two years.

He sleeps on the floor of our family room, our son's room, anywhere but the bedroom. He had been out of the bedroom for so long that I finally told him that if he were to ever come back to sleep there, I would probably be the one sleeping on the floor, as I had become used to sleeping alone.

I feel unwanted, unloved and wish with all my heart I could pick up and just leave. However, I feel this loyalty to him, despite the lack of intimacy. Our issues started when I quit my "cushy" job to care for our son. I believe that my husband had become accustomed to me being the primary bread-winner and for the first time in his life, he was going to have to foot the majority of the bills. Even with him being the sole provider, he doesn't pay my bills, as my family assists me while I home school our son.

After 10 years, no honeymoon, not one vacation, constant interference from his family and two years of no sex, I search my soul for the strength to move on.

SorrowFull SorrowFull
4 Responses Jul 9, 2008

i completly understand, completely, the whole bread winner thing is hard too becuase as women of course we want to be taken care of or at least met half way. there are things you would like to buy to look pretty and maintain yourself but its all about the bills. I can see him closing down becuase of the pressures of it all but he needs to remember you have feelings too. i think you should express exactly how you feel. Too many of us just let our feelings build up and brush off what we hate that is killing us daily in our homes. I have to credit myself for being more vocal now and i see much more intimacy and results. Still not to the level i want but i know its semi negotiable now. I envy that you have a kid though, it must have been sex going on somewhere in that house. Mostly everyone in the sexless group has kids i dont get where the switch came from. I am scared out of my mind because i fear we will never have kids if we keep going at this rate. I would just try to really sit and talk. talk to him in his comfort zone, in the right space and time where you know he will listen.

Welcome Sorrowfull. What an unfortunate situation. You're married, but your family has to help you pay for YOUR bills? What kind of marriage is that?<br />
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I agree with dixie41 about the talking. Unfortunately, when people are so hurt, frustrated, angry, and resentful, it's kind of difficult to have a safe talk. By saying "safe", I mean that both of you are safe from sarcasm, harsh words, and things that might make the other person irate. Sometimes it's very difficult to talk when the other person is being sarcastic, disruptive, and negative.<br />
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It would be helpful to sit down by yourself, and deeply think about how you want your life to be. Do you want to continue in such an unloving environment? How would you like to live? How do you want your relationship to be? Think about YOUR feelings. Next, really practice on communicating in a non-threatening way. It's not easy getting an answer when the other person is being criticized, interrupted, and not listened to. Take turns talking. Ask him to be silent and just listen to how you feel, and assure him that you will do the same when he tells you how he feels. If he does things that make you feel a certain way, be it happy or unloved, tell him about it. Tell him that it makes you feel frustrated when he does or does not do certain things. Focus on behaviors that you like about him and behaviors you don't like about him. Make him feel that you're not frustrated at HIM, but at his behaviors (or lack of them). <br />
Define what is making love to you. Ask him to define what making love means to him. Ask him if there's something you can do to make the situation better between the two of you. <br />
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There's just so many ways to go about communicating. If you think he won't listen to you, and/or if you think you won't listen to him, write down your feelings. Write them to yourself. Write them on here if you'd like. Get your feelings in order, and then show them to him somehow. Handwrite them to him, record them and ask him to listen while you're OUT of the room/house, e-mail him, type to him, print it out, and give it to him. <br />
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We understand how you feel, and please know you're not alone.

Thanks for the welcome dixie41.<br />
I have tried talking to hubby, ad nauseum. There are several different reasons for the cold shoulder, including my "inability to communicate." However, I find that each time the issue comes up, there's a different excuse.<br />
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I also find that he is not willing to talk about issues unless I bring them up. If I say nothing, he says nothing.<br />
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I pray, just pray that I can get back into the job market so I can take care of myself and little boy.

welcome sorrowfull.... you are not alone here we are all going throu the same things here... i've been married almost 12 years so i can relate to you...its hard when we all feel unloved and unwanted.. have you tried to talk to your hubby about it? if you have what did he say? i have found it makes it easier to talk about it then to just ignore it here... there is allot of great people here who can give advice and help... best of luck to you