Has My Husband Turned Into My Room Mate?

I'm 14 years into my marriage and the last 6 have been basically sexless. We still have a great relationship, we love each other and have what would be classed as a perfect marriage....except for the last 6 years our sex life has dwindled to nothing...not for my lack of wanting it.

I've tried everything, doing nothing..looking good, being dominant or the submisve, talking about it and not talking about it...dressing and acting sexy..... unfortunately I've got no where. My self esteem is being brought to an all time low...I've begun to think it doesn't matter what I look like, act like...not if I am myself or try to act like someone else.

I'll admit I even have had a couple of one night stands just to be able to feel that I'm desired....but thats not what I want..I want my husband....he just doesn't want me in a sexual way.

So now I need suggestions...what to do?..


theswan theswan
36-40, F
45 Responses May 9, 2007

I'm 24 years into my marriage with my menopausal wife who will have nothing to do with me. Maybe we should work something out.

I just feel sorry for you. Someone here said that if people are not intimate doing other thinks than having sex, then sex won't be good either or none. I wish you good luck

I wish I knew.....cause I am in the exact same boat. Granted I haven't been married as long as you have, but "our" sex life is now non existent.

Get out.

My husband and I have been married for 3 &1/2 years. We have a beautiful little 1 year old.. I love him dearly and he says he loves me too but he never wants sex. I try everything too. I take hours on my hair and makeup And picking out the right outfit and he never notices. I am young and fun & am always trying to spice things up.Most people would think we had an amazing sex life bc we have a happy marriage and we are both attractive people. But we don't :( it's sad bc it makes me very depressed and caused me to have a bad self esteem. He doesn't like to talk about it and says hell start trying but nothing. I don't know what to do either :/

May have low testosterone? See the doctor

i wonder which one of us reading and writing this will have the balls to set up a website just to have sexual needs met. i know its called a f**kbuddy but thats just too crude. sounds almost like prostitution and im a guy.<br />
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i love my wife dearly but sometimes you just have to hold your hands up and admit it aint never gonna work.i need kisses and cuddles and intimacy. <br />
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like when your were a teen just exploring. i would take ages just to work to putting my hand under her shirt towars her breasts but every move i went it was closer and closer. my heart pounded like hell. the sexual tension nearly made me pass out. but as an adult we all seem to miss that point about tension and timing. <br />
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i wish i could bottle that feeling and in a few months i would be living in beverley hills.<br />
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its almost rutlike. the cycle goes on.just trying to initiate sex just builds you up for a massive fall. and ive fell hard a few times and i hurt.

may 1 2012 is my 1 year wedding anniversary...and its amazing i have lasted this long...alone...with a roommate that was supposed to be my husband. i don't know what i did to deserve this prison and i wish there was a way to change it. i am tired of hearing "it will get better" after 1 year - it has only gotten worse. sex is a word that is taboo...feelings are ignored...and there is no touching. i long for the days before the wedding when there was touching, sex and love. it hurts so much

That is where I am as well. It hurts like hell. I tell him to his face, if we're not "together" we are friends and roommates. Nothing more. I don't know what else to say or do.. talking about it doesn't help, saying nothing doesn't work either. I am stuck.

he abandoned me a year ago with no money, rent due, and no job. After a year without him, there is still no sex or touching but I am not having to deal with him telling me it will get better. He gave me the HPV virus, it turned into cancer and I had surgery. He is out spreading the disease to others.

I feel so badly for everyone that wishes to have intimacy with her or his partner and it is just not working..... All that passion, closeness, sexual fulfillment and sometimes simply "fun" just being cast aside.........<br />
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I was married some time ago and my ex-wife, a very nice person....... well she and I just were not on the same page sexually. That was a main area for our splitting. I was passionate and she was as well, just much more rarely than I. <br />
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I met a wonderful lady a few years later and for reasons beyond our control, we had to split. There are no perfect relationships, it was however close. I also miss the passion and the closeness. Dating is fun , sex is fun. Passion as well as love and intimacy are where it is at..........as we all know. Sad when some of us notice it is gone and others do not for whatever reason.<br />
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So hats off to the ladies that wrote the stories above, for being concerned, trying to be pro-active and simply for caring. I do hope the situation gets better for all of you! Rock

My husband works hard for us. He never goes out with his friends. Tells me he loves me and buys me flowers on our anniversary. But he never wants me sexually anymore... He use to give me a look that undressed me with his eyes. And a gaze that made me weak in the knees. Now I long for that passion and love from him. We have sex maybe once a week and its beautiful but only for me. He doesn't say sorry when he's cold to me or when he turns me down. He has stopped loving me. I'm just comfortable and I had his son. He with me because of him I pressume. That has to be why he's here still because there's no feeling of love for me in his eyes. He's blank. I don't know what to do. I live with a man who acted like I was his world and everything one minute ... To being nothing to him the next day. I'm broken hearted .

Wow, Iam just not getting why when one partner is so willing and has an interest in being intimate, yet the other is not really interested? Now Iam talking about having sex and intimacy the way they had previously enjoyed it, with maybe a few new ways added, or some changes that make it fresher.<br />
While I agree with 1niceguy above, his points seem totally valid. I think for men there are new meds or "Sex enhancers so they can perform better- better erections". There are also erection pumps that are placed over the penis to get an erection, they seem to get great reviews too! " KY" has those newer "His and Her" stimulating lubes. There are also toys for both sexes that can help with arousal and stimulation and excitement!<br />
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The libido is tough to replace, however one has to try! Even a sex therapist could be a plus!<br />
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SEEMS THIS NEXT PART or ISSUES CAN BE MUCH HARDER TO SURVIVE AS A COUPLE: Now, I do get it can be a "real problem" when one partner of a couple has had a serious "new interest change in their sexual needs & desires" and the other partner either does NOT want to bother- or cannot get into it! OR maybe just goes along with "the new version-of-sex" and "does it simply to be nice". Being nice is helpful & better than just turning away, but the intensity is usually just not really there- in those cases. Eventually the partner wanting the "new version-of-sex" will figure out the activity is more like "pretend"- not much genuine intensity. (For example-Maybe it is his or her wish to NOW be a Dom or sub, or ONE has some new desire to have sex in public, or ONE wants a 3-some and their partner is just really NOT into those new ideas- I get ANY of those kinds of things being an issue). <br />
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So, in those last examples or cases, the other partner is NOT REALLY into "the NEW version of sex" that is now wanted by the other partner. <br />
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HOWEVER if it is petty much their similar or same traditional sex, with some slight new deviations to add interest to the intimacy, that disinterested partner can really help save the relationship, or keep it alive by GENUINELY getting interested............ that needs to become a priority!<br />
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Maybe all easy to say, none the less............that SHOULD BE the goal! I feel badly for couples where one partner has more interest or more drive and the other does not. Or when couples change and their sexual desires no longer match up!<br />
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A- Unless they are willing to REALLY ACCEPT that "I can live that sexless life" or REALLY ACCEPT the "I have a pretend sex life" they will likely not be very happy..........<br />
B- They may end up splitting up..............

I asked my husband why we don't have sex anymore, and he said "because I was single for so long, I got used to not having it". He was divorced for 15 yrs. I didn't care for that answer!!! Are we married or not?????

I understand soooo well what you are saying.I feel like I am wasting the best years of my life sexually and once lost, one can never regain it. I waited till marriage and has been faithful ever since due to my religeous beliefs. I sometimes wonders, what has all this helped me? Shouldn't I go on the internet and get myself a "**** buddy" and we can help each other out - no strings attached.

People see themselves as problems. Yet they are not. Simple, the mirror reflects unwanted problems, yet it also reflects ones reflection.

I too struggle with the room-mate husband issue. I want to be closer, however him not so much. HE proves it with sleeping on the couch the last 4 years and only having sex once every 8-9 weeks (or more) and that is cause I ask for it.

Sorry to here that. It only took our relationship three years to fail. Now, 13 years later we are just room mates. I do not want to live this way any longer! I plan to make a whole lot of changes in the near future. Good Luck to you! I would much rather save our marriage. But, I can not see that he is interested in doing so. I guess we shall see. It's been a long road. Good luck and God Bless!

this is all very sad. This is not how things were meant to be. A part of taking vows is knowing that you will have to make sacrifices, and do things to meet each others' needs. I have been married for two years and i can count on my fingers the amount of times we have had sex. I am resentful because I am still in my twenties, and waited for a marital situation to do the bulk of my exploring and expeditions. Instead, I live with a man who cringes whenever I try to hug or kiss him. I have tried everything as mentioned by others, but my husband is in his own world. Unfortunately, I have given up and I am thinking about my options.

Well i am also in exactly the same situation...13 years of marriage a child and no connection with my husband...but he doesnt even know how to change a light bulb.....i do everything. He is a great father though that is the hardest part....i am ready to leave but it is the comfort and familiartity that makes me stay....i had an affair and it was the only thing that got me through...My husband made me feel self consious and unloved and very very sad....then i found this other man who set me on fire and thinks i am a godess..... i just dont have the guts to leave!.....help me! i dont know how to do this...

Isn't That kind of scary today?? Join a singles group. It can be fun. They have different activities too. You can meet all kinds of people. If nothing else just have fun doing different things. I joined on once example a trip to Catalina Island, Vegas Turn Around, Palm Springs Tram, all kinds of things. Just fun. Did I meet anyone? No but I did have fun. That does not mean you won't meet anyone either. If not a singles group maybe another group.<br />
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Just saying it is good to explore to find that special someone. They are out there. And try to keep an open mind. :-)

suggest open relationship.<br />
like what else is left?

I could see why you would be shocked. You said you were attracted to this woman and yet you mention God, it was wonderful. I will say i once told someone very close to me this is a vile act. It is against everything in the bible. Women and Women, and, Men and Men were not made to have any sexual relationships this is very wrong. If you or her believe in God or the Bible you should read on this. I am not here to judge you. Only to say it was not meant to be this way. I did tell this person very dear to me that I did not love them any less. Just that it is not right.<br />
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I can understand being married 40 years and mpt being in a loving relationship. How this would effect anyone. This is almost a lifetime. A sad and lonely lifetime. I also understand your bitterness and resentment towards men. However, not all men are this way. Hey you can always pray for guidance. That's if you believe in God or Jesus.<br />
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I just believe myself and I believe the time is close. I know they have said this for thousands of years right. But, I just believe it is, and it is time for us to choose the right path. I also think women are gentle and know how and where to be touched. They probably also know how to say things in a way you want to here them. Why, because we are women and know what we feel. Naturally opposite than a man.<br />
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With that being said I can see where a gesture or a soft touching word spoken could reach and grab you and draw you in. If it took 40 years of being married and 30 years for a decent conversation. How long did it take you to get involved with this other women? Was there a long enough gap in between. <br />
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It's hard being lonely I know. But, is it really worth it to commit such a sick vile act. I can't help but to just be blunt. I am not a gay and lesbian basher. But, to me it is totally wrong and against God's word. I don't disrespect you. Just to say if you believe then think again. <br />
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Life really isn't easy at times.

My husband hasn't turned me into a room mate but instead a apartment deweller. He lives down stairs and I have the upstairs. Married 40 plus years and we've been without sex,love,intimacy or even<br />
a decent conversation fo 30 years. I can't understand why I stayed in the house so long. Probably its because we have a nice house and its payed for. I couldn't afford rent on my salary.<br />
I've grown very untrusting about men, and tend to stay away from them. I'm sure there are good men out in the world but I haven't really found one. I'am in therapy which is all women, and one of these ladies I found very attaractive. and became good friends with. We were together at her place and out of no where she kissed me. I was shocked and confused at first then it happened again. We hugged and made out all night, and god it was wonderful. I don't need to say more, but my life is better and I feel wanted and loved and desirable again. The hell with my husband

Hi, Your right. Nothing will probably change our marriage and I know alot of people are in the same position. I doesn't seem to make it any eaiser though. Yet, in a sense it does help hearing other stories like my own. Sometimes we wish we could turn back time. Maybe have an affair I have been thinking on this line for awhile. However, i keep coming back to the conclusion of my marriage vows and what would it really accomplish. Yet, again and again I think about it. At times I even hate myself for thinking it but, it keeps coming to my mind. Maybe it's a body heat thing, LOL. Arghhh!

Hello there<br />
It's been a while since I wrote this original cry for help, and whenever there's a comment I always have a wee look but I didn't feel like adding anything until now. I am still in the same relationship and in the same position, just a few more years down the line. The reason I think I never commented again on my post is that there's been no change and nothing anyone has said on here or in real life has given me the key to change it..like others I have tried everything under the stars to get the love making back into my marriage...I also discovered that about 90 of my married girlfriends are in the same position as me! Some have broken up because of it, some like me still hang on in there as there are other pleasures we get out of our marriage. <br />
So to sum a sexless marriage up?...You either like it or lump it...it's your decision and probably at this stage nothing is going to happen to change the way your man is...<br />
Thanks for all your comments by the way...most of them have been a comfort to me knowing it's not just me that feels this way.<br />

i am in the same boat. Roommates. i even left a note for my husband saying" I can't live a sexless marriage anymore". No, response was all I received. We have been married going on 13 yrs. I feel decieved. He told me the first few years we would be lovers,. Then after that we would have to work at it. That was before we married. Ya, right all talk and no action. We were best friends, buddies and lovers. What happened. I get the little hen peck, Hi and By and that's it. I can't live this way anymore. But i feel stuck and so alone. No more holding one another, nothing! I just hate this. We are raising our grand-daughter since my daughter was killed. Now, i don't feel I can break us up because of her. She loves him so much, so do I but, it's no use. I don't know what to do. He is a reformed alcholic and that iswhat started it. It's like they brain washed him. AA comes first and nothing else matters. Except his grand daughter, i am thankful for that. Am I missing something here?? I need someone to Love and someone that Loves me. I feel so lost and alone, what a heartbreaking mess. I am a strong person but, now I am at the breaking point and I really can't go on any longer. It is all so very sad. I need a life....... wahhh

i am in the same boat. Roommates. i even left a note for my husband saying" I can't live a sexless marriage anymore". No, response was all I received. We have been married going on 13 yrs. I feel decieved. He told me the first few years we would be lovers,. Then after that we would have to work at it. That was before we married. Ya, right all talk and no action. We were best friends, buddies and lovers. What happened. I get the little hen peck, Hi and By and that's it. I can't live this way anymore. But i feel stuck and so alone. No more holding one another, nothing! I just hate this. We are raising our grand-daughter since my daughter was killed. Now, i don't feel I can break us up because of her. She loves him so much, so do I but, it's no use. I don't know what to do. He is a reformed alcholic and that iswhat started it. It's like they brain washed him. AA comes first and nothing else matters. Except his grand daughter, i am thankful for that. Am I missing something here?? I need someone to Love and someone that Loves me. I feel so lost and alone, what a heartbreaking mess. I am a strong person but, now I am at the breaking point and I really can't go on any longer. It is all so very sad. I need a life....... wahhh

Oh dear, I thought I was only one of the people having this problem. My husband says I am crazy, causing him pain, because I ask why we do not have sexual relationships. I have used the room mate theory. I was in a previous marriage where the sex and intimacy was exceptional but work stress and not looking at the immediate problem caused the marriage to break up. I know what an exceptional relationship is and unfortunately I let it slip through my fingers. My husband is a good man, but does not want to put in any effort at all, does not make love, and there is little affection. After what I have had previously I find it almost impossible to continue. Please help !!

i have been the same situation ( but am a guy) .. for u it is easier i think . all u have to do is make him horney... pills in a drink will do ( Cialis ) is the best...it is for a right cause i think

The problem with these sexless marriages may have a common thread. Humans are very complicated beings. First of all, the real problem is the intimacy issue. These detached spouses are probably very wounded on the inside and broken. It has to do with their childhoods. The fact that<br />
people realize they aren't satisfied with one night stands and want more shows we are more than just physical acts. We want relationship. Those in marriages who don't want sex after a period are struggling on the inside--with past negative experiences with others--probably from their childhood.<br />
They may not even understand what sex really means in marriage. They just know they feel threatened somehow by having sex with their spouse. It is probably a deep fear of intimacy. This will have to be addressed before these people feel safe enough to open up and really be close and intimate to a person, which includes having sex with a spouse who knows them very well.

If you have dropped the hints and he's not picking up, maybe there is a underlaying problem, something that is bothering him, maybe he doesn't see that he has fullfied you enough, or something sexual that is bothering him. but if you have tried to attract his attention and he is not responding then time to talk hard tell him you do love him but you can not remain in a sexless marriage, and that you really do need to speak to someone. your marriage vows must mean something to you to stay with him, please point that out to him, and get some outside help where you both can talk openly with a 3rd party who is trained in that field to help see where you go from here on in.... Trust me blokes have their own sexual hang ups that they make their wife happy in the bedroom to the state they do just go off sex, and think the wife wil be happy with that, and most blokes really dont like talking about it so write him a letter and ask him to write back with the reply as that could be a start o getting to the bottom of it... all the best from someone ho has been in the same boat xxx

Not in a no -sex marriage, but it is a low -sex marriage. One to four times a month. I think supplements might help him with his low testosterone problem.

I completely am living the same life as you are. I have been married 13 years and the sexless marriage has been too many years to count. I also would say other than the sex, my life is really good and I am happy. BUT I do recognize my anger, resentment, feeling betrayed, and rejected has started to impact my feelings towards him and my future plans with him. <br />
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I haven't tried the one night stands but definitely is being considered at this time. I guess it's good to hear your voice saying it doesn't work. <br />
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My self esteem has hit a low as well but I am working on rebuilding myself and taking care of my own needs. I think that once we feel good about ourselves we can think more clearly about what we need/want in our lives. I'm still working on it too.<br />
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Are children in the picture? I've seen many posts about people waiting to leave because of children and I have that issue too. I see it as a three prong decision. <br />
1. Leave and divorce.<br />
2. Keep the status quo with a roommate/living partner and get needs met elsewhere.<br />
3. Really work on making the changes that are needed.<br />
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I'm not sure where to go for myself. I will look forward to seeing what direction your life leads you.

Type your comment here...

I'm a very good pretty woman, who still turns heads. Athletic, educated, sexual. But also in a pretty much sexless marriage as well... My situation is that my husband is addicted to internet ****. I'm not bashing **** because I also indulge from time to time but find real sex just that... real. We have been married for 2 years, together for 8 and I found out about it around a year before we got married and he promised he would help himself to change. It got a little better for a while and about 2 months after we got married, the sex stopped. I soon got suspicious and got on the computer, looking at all the sites he had been to as well as searching our home office only to find receipts that he had printed from paying over $200 a month for online **** sites.<br />
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It might be a good idea to at least look into it even though you think there is absolutely no way ... this site helped me a great deal.<br />
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http://www.sexualcontrol.com/sex-addiction-************-pornography_03.html<br />
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Best wishes to you.

i really feel for u i am in the same boat i do not want a divorce either i will remember to pray too god bless you

brd2deth-<br />
only you know the answer to the question of is it time to move on?<br />
I haven't gotten to your point of separate bedrooms (yet), but my choice is I am staying til our 12 yr old is out of the house, and that will be when we figure out what we are doing: improving what we have, or ending it 'cause I can't stand it to be like it is, and I cannot and will not live the rest of my life this way. Good luck to you

i to am in a seperate bedroom sexless marriage deal. It's been the last 9 years of seperate rooms. April 08 was first sex at my iniatiate. before that...1 year, before that 4 times a years. So it's gone to nil.<br />
What's up with sexless men at 45. I'm attractive, men stare still(yeah their older now, but so what)<br />
It's put a strain on our marriage and a distance. We're like bad roomies...raising a 7 year old. <br />
No romance, no connection and no love.<br />
Is it time to move on?

sometimes "getting is somewhere else" isn't what is going on. some folks just have no libido, or are selfish and don't care about your feelings or needs. Book "His Needs/Her Needs" is a really good read on the subject, and yes, it covers affairs as well.<br />
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This from a male whose wife is like your husbands. I am the foreplay guy. the think of romantic settings guy. What used to work with my wife no longer does. Says she enjoys sex but doesn't instigate. I quit instigating because i got tired of getting my feelings hurt, or feeling rejected, or outright angry.<br />
I put a lot of thought into it while she puts none. I suspect your spouse/husband is the same as her. I have over the years actually used the room mate analogy with her. It would almost be better if she were just not interested in me and having an affair or something, at least that would be a clue. but thats not it - its just them. Different needs and views and they think nothing is wrong, hence they won't get counseling "cause they don't have an issue", you do. So it just leads to frustration.<br />
I thought I was alone with this (especially being a male) until i found this site. Now, we do have sex, maybe once a month or 4 times, you can never tell, and we both get fulfilled so too speak... but the intimacy is not there or passion much, and she barely instigates.<br />
so, it may not be anyone else - just a selfish, clueless spouse.

What signs? what am I looking for to see if he is getting it somewhere else? I work days, he works nights....God only knows what he is doing during the day, but I can't find any signs. My intuition says something is going on, but I don't have any proof? How do I find out if he is stepping out?

It's amazing to hear from so many women who have husbands that don't want to have sex anymore. What happened to all the hungry, sexual men we all encountered in our youth, why does it change so much after the wedding. <br />
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Your marriage sound so very much like mine. The rejection hurts and when I think about it I get angry. My husband and I have seperate bedrooms but like you we have a good relationship otherwise... I guess we have become great room mates and business partners in raising our son. I stay because I was a single mother of my daughter for 12 years and don't want to be in that situation again. I make the best of life, I remind myself that it could be worse, he doesn't cheat on me, he's not violent, he doesn't drink but is a good provider, good father and companion in most ways. I am certainly the people person between the two. I've often thought about an affair but I couldn't live with that either because I'm too transparent, he would be on to me in a heartbeat and I don't want to risk our family life for the sake of our young son. <br />
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I pray about our love and feelings for each other often and just have learned to accept the sexless part. The old serenity prayer has helped me... "God, please help me to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I have the wisdom to know that I can't change my husband and I have committed myself to honor our wedding vows. I was divorced once and don't want to go through that again. <br />
I wish you all the best to find peace in your marriage.

Are there children involved? Hopefully not. However, I suggest that you site him three or four sections of the riot act. If your husband is not willing to have sex with you under any of the circumstances that you described abive then he is not living up to his end of the marriage contract and is not performing his husbandly duties. Failure to hold up his end of the marriage contract (no pun intended) is ground for divorce.

You need sex

I'm w/ sas... what has HE done to fix this problem? does he admit that there is a problem? does he talk about it w/ you at all? if you are not ready to give up - then counseling? cause that's a huge one to live w/o (i did it too - for about 7 years so I'm with ya). {{{HUGS}}} to you. let us know!!!

You wrote that YOU talked and tried numerous things, but as HE really addressed the issue or put as much effort into it as you have? Has HE really listened to you and your needs?

And really no one has the right to judge you, who wants nights stands? I havent had yet one and I am pretty sure you did not want them either! So no one has the right to judge you, lets say you werent cheating is more a survival thing... <br />
so admission accepted, a couple of nookies is not what you wanted, but as you said feeling desired is one part of the equation in being truly loved.... and a very important one<br />
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Dump him... I have stopped to try to "seduce" my husband long time ago, for my mental sanity. But men do look at me even when I am wearing winter clothes so either he approaches me or I keep crawling walls.... no more nonsense seducing techniques! I would use them with someone who loves me passionately (he does love me but well sex once per year is not precisely passion). 6 years is enough I think, deep in your heart you know what to do. But I understand your misery and sadness and you as me, need the courage (I do not have it lol!) to end a situation like this. After 6 years I wouldnt seduce him Id ask him what is going on (example, having an affair) and if he is not Id give him an ultimatum. Hugs and the best of luck