Same Old Story

I've read the stories on this site and it's like looking in a mirror.  I wonder about our motivation for seeking out others who have this problem. It seems we are here to find solutions, and not simply to vent or unload the baggage...altho God knows the load gets heavier the longer we carry it. 

After 7 years I have given up trying to motivate my husband. It's wasted effort and continuously disappointing.  I am tired.

I have lost part of myself. My confidence is flagging. I am depressed and angry, and I resent being put in this situation.

I also resent that he watches *********** on our television while sitting on our furniture in our home, probably the minute I leave the house to go to work so that I can make my contribution to the place we've built together. 

I dont respect that he downloads *********** from online and spends an incredible amount of effort on cataloging thousands of photos of strangers -- complete and total STRANGERS -- and then hiding his pathetic hobby from me as though I were his mother. 

I'm fed up with him saying "everything will get better" as though some magic moment in Time is approaching even as we do nothing to fix his problem. 

And it IS his problem. 

He has an emotional problem that has translated into the realm of the physical, after years and years of not dealing with the emotions.

Having tried everything under the sun, I give up.  I no longer even want  to have a sexual relationship, with him or anybody else.  I have been faithful to the marriage and the man, in the truest sense of the word.  I have deliberately avoided any  possibility of sex outside the relationship because I love him and do not want to hurt him, and to be honest, so that I may retain at least a shred of dignity.

It took years for us to fight about it, which we did several times over a 2 year span, and now I dont bring it up at all any more.

I've finally come to understand that no matter which approach one uses, it isnt possible to change the situation when two people are involved in it and only one person is willing to change it.  It's as simple as that.

My husband is kind, affectionate, intelligent, hard-working, and handsome. He is my best friend. I am as good to him as he is to me. I treat him with warmth and respect and gentleness, as he does me in return.

But I have to admit I've finally lost something -- and I'm not quite sure what that something is.  Maybe it was Hope. Whatever it was, it died a slow and bitter death. 

WhiteSwan WhiteSwan
41-45, F
7 Responses May 11, 2007

WhiteSwan...<br />
<br />
All I can say is "dito". I don't understand it. Getting closer to not caring anymore..

Hi WhiteSwan! your story is so much like mine. my husband is also a wonderful, kind man and he is my best friend, but i have now stopped making excuses for his behaviour. his p*** habit has broken our marriage. <br />
<br />
i always thought that maybe i was just being too dramatic about it, but i have come to realise that i am justified in my anger and have the right to feel hurt. please go to dr phil's website and look in the archives under "is watching **** cheating?" He makes it clear that when your partner watches **** behind your back, it is CHEATING! that sexual enengy that he should be using with you is going to some stranger. he is stealing from you. it is not normal, no matter what they say. it ruins relationships. <br />
i am no longer going to put up with my husband's behaviour: it has robbed me of the right to a sexual relationship with my partner and has denied me the right to have children. living in a sexless, childless marriage is hell.<br />
In response to your asking about therapy: it is no use going to just any psychologist. i made that mistake. they have to be qualified in dealing with sexual dysfunction. a friend of mine who is in the same boat, is seeing a psychiatrist who specialises in that field and is getting some good results. the real problem is getting one's partner to agree on counselling..... mine refuses. (i don't think they can "cure" themselves because watching p*** is such an easy thing to hide from others. they need to be held accountable to change by someone OUTSIDE of the relationship. but that's just my viewpoint...)<br />
White Swan, i really hope you can get your husband to counselling and sort out your marriage. Good luck!

"Having tried everything under the sun, I give up. I no longer even want to have a sexual relationship, with him or anybody else."<br />
<br />
And you expect him to ignore those feelings? I've been on the other side of that equation for over a decade. My wife simply doesn't want to have sex anymore. But I'll be damned if that is going to keep me form using my mind and fantasies as an outlet for normal sexual desires. Cut the poor guy some slack.

You and I seem to think the same way on the issue of being fair to those whom we love and care for, Sponge! <br />
I have tried to live my Life with respect for ALL others, and expend special effort toward those most special to me. That being part of who I "just am" I think I would also do as you have said -- I would honestly admit if there were no hope of my loved one's most basic needs being met by me. <br />
The thing is, I truly believe in my heart that my husband doesnt think this will go on forever. I think he really believes that "love will see us thru" and that some day (because he WISHES for it so badly?) it'll all be OK and he will be the person he wants to be, sexually. <br />
I believe he honestly doesnt know what is wrong or why, and that when he gets a glimmer of the truth it is too much to face. <br />
He only wants to keep me because he loves me. He loves me from his heart. He wants to change and cant see how to do so. <br />
Like you, I would be able to address the problem and would talk to anyone, do anything, try anything.<br />
But you and I arent broken.<br />
If your girlfriend is asexual, and not damaged emotionally but simply "built" that way, I can see why she isnt too concerned about what youre losing out on or how it's affecting you because she can simply have no idea whatsoever. It's not within an asexual person's grasp, to understand the physical and emotional joys of sexual intimacy.

WhiteSwan I am with you.... sometimes we do feel bitchy, is completely normal.... a hug and a miss as Kent said do what do you think is good for you...

This struck particullarly close to home! I care very much for a gal who is stuck in a sexless for her marriage. He spends 2-3 hundred a month on ***** etc etc. She is aching lovely but such a good girl I curse. gr-r-r-r-<br />
he won't go to counceling . ***** is big business everyone is doing it. I'm a red blooded guy, however a picture will never be as arousing as a real live woman. I say he is commiting adultery in every meaning of the word. I'm so frustrated i threatened to kidnap her LoL I'd never do it..well I don't think I would ..Not this week anyway!<br />
Sounds like you have a little better chance of getting him to therapy! Wonder how he would feel if you started checking out other guys on the net??

Thanks, Kent. <br />
I re-read my posting and realized how uncharacteristically bitchy I was feeling yesterday. I've never put those thoughts into words before, at least not to anyone except my husband. It felt pretty good : )<br />
I have thought about therapy, and called around a bit to try to find someone qualified to handle sexual dysfunction, but had no real success and eventually let it go. What type of therapy does one seek? Marriage counseling? Psychotherapy? I think my hubby was molested by his father as a small child, but has excused the man's actions because he was a drunk. I dont know to what extent the abuse went, and he cannot talk about it. <br />
Have you experienced therapy? What do you know about it? I'd appreciate your information.