I Sleep Alone

It's been really wonderful reading everyone's post here on this site.  I really used to think I was all alone in this and that I was the only one stuck in a committed sexless relationship.  So many of the post remind me of my relationship with my live-in fiancé.  I’d like to share my story as well. I am including some of the real problems in our relationship – which I believe may have led us to our current situation.  There have been countless times when I have tried to initiate intimacy and sex with my finace and been plain out refused and rejected.  It hurts badly damages the self-esteem and can drive a person to near insanity.  I feel like I've been in the darkest ally but somehow I feel like I can see the light ahead now.

Basically, we met about 4 years ago.  I was always more interested in sex than him, but we still had a consistent sexual relationship. I got pregnant the 2nd year we were dating. He proposed and we moved in together.  We didn't get married right away because I was confused about marrying him. We’d had a lot of problems and he was also an alcoholic.  Anyway, we did move in together and things (of course) went downhill. He'd kept most of his alcoholic habits hidden from me while we were dating, but living with him was a different story.  He also wanted to get married and I naively told him we could if he'd stop drinking.  We’ll that didn't work and it only added to our collective anger at each other.  I can’t totally remember, but I’m pretty sure the sex stopped the first week we moved in together.  For a long time, I thought it was the pregnancy, my weight gain etc. We fought about it and then he blamed it on his drinking, or being to busy because he had to worry about the house bills (I was a stay at home Mom).  Over time, we’ve both grown and I've been able to accept his drinking.  I know me living with a drinker is almost another issue..but the good time between truely out weigh the bad.  And he is a great father to our son, a provider and he does care.  His drinking use to make him mean, but he also seems to have worked on that.  His anger has also gotten better, we argue a lot less and agree a lot more.  I've agreed to go ahead and marry and for a while things have seemed better.  All in all it a good relationship, minus sex and intimacy.  A few months ago, I tried to correct everything I thought I was doing wrong, I went to work and started helping with the bills, I lost weight and went back to my original sexy size 2, I made and effort to look good around the house, etc…you name it. But still had excuses as to why he couldn’t be intimate. I finally got so frustrated that I moved of our bedroom. This was two weeks ago. He had a fit! I couldn’t believe it, he doesn’t even touch me in the bed and he had a fit because I went to sleep in the spare room. He says he misses me – he can’t sleep well. Needless to say, I’ve been elated! It was great to finally know that he did need some from of intimacy from me even if it didn’t include touching.  So now we’ve been talking and his frustrations have been coming out. He says he want to be intimate with me, but his drinking (and I do believe this is part of too – just not all of it) and the fact that he doesn’t feel like I am helping him build a future (not with money, but planning) together keeps him from feeling safe enough to be intimate with me. It may be just another excuse….but I think we may be getting somewhere.  I’m still sleeping in the other room, but now he listening to me and that’s what matters. I’ve told him I won’t come back until we have some consistent intimacy in our relationship. Not necessary sex, just intimacy because I believe intimacy will lead to sex. I’m hopeful and I personally have become more financially independent and responsible for myself. I was terribly financially dependent on his at first. Life isn’t perfect – but it is a journey.

RomanticLady RomanticLady
26-30, F
6 Responses May 12, 2007

Thanks Bazzar. I've recently come back to EP in search of other experiences, mainly procrastination. I'm a horrible procrastinator. But I noticed your message and wanted to reply.<br />
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I'm still dating the amazing and loving man I met 2 years ago and our love is strong. He is kind, caring, passionate, and giving. And I return all that he gives with my own love in kind. <br />
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Looking back, the hardest part was coming to a decision to "let go" of my previous realtionship. I was so scared. I would run down all the reasons why I had to stay, what others would say or think, my son, financial concerns, thinking I would never finad another, etc...<br />
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In the end, once I made the decision to "let go" life went the opposite of what I expected. Life blossomed! Sexless relationships posion you, you begin to think you are nothing, unimportant, less than, you forget the kindness and love in your heart. A few months after physically separating from my ex, the energy that was pulled and drained by our relationship came rushing back to me. I felt better, I smiled, I was pretty again. <br />
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Yes, I had a lot of financial issues and it has been tough being a single mom, but all of that was much eaiser than the daily pain I suffered in my relationship with my ex.<br />
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It took almost 9 months as well for me mentally and emotionally separate from my ex. He found a new woman almost immediately and would bring her by whenever he stopped by to pick up our son for a few hours. I was devastated at first. He was dressing better himself, looking better and smiling too. 2 months after our separation, I did wonder, had I made a mistake? I tried to rekindle our relationship, but he was happy with his new love and (THANKFULLY) turned me down. <br />
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From there, I realized that I had tomove on not only physically (as I had already done) but mentally and emotionally. It was very hard at first and the next month was long. Slowly "I" came back to "me". I realized my potential and self-worth. I finished my Master's degree and began to wonder what it would be like to finally have love. <br />
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The more I stopped thinking about my ex and what I might be missing....and the more I focused on what I wanted, what love would feel like, taste like, look like the more I began to do things in my life that drew love to my door.<br />
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I would imagine a handsome man who loved me dearly, giving me a hug from behind and smiling in my face. I would imagine us laughing together. Almost a year after separting from my ex, I met the dear sweet man who is my love today.<br />
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My ex, as I mentioned earlier, did stop drinking and has been sober a year. The woman who he met immediately after ours ended (but while he was still drinking) left him after a year. He told me later, because she too was afraid of him and unhappy in their relationship. After that he found himself living in his car and hit rock bottom. He realized it wasn;t me, but himself that needed healing and finally got help. This never would have happened (in this way) if we had remained together.<br />
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Today, my ex and I are actually friends, not good friends (you know) on good terms. He has become a better father to our son and made an effort to heal a lot of the bad between us. He's still working through AA and not in a new realtionship, but I am happy for him - to see that he has found peace. <br />
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I am now working on my doctorate degree and life IS much better. Not without ups and down, but MUCH better:)<br />
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I wish you and everyone on here the courage to know when to leave an emotionally, mentally, or physically damaging relationship. I wish you the strengh to know that happiness can be yours if "let go" of the things that no longer serve yourself. <br />
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Be strong, have the courage to love, and know that you are loved.<br />
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Romantic Lady

@RomanticLady<br />
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Any chance you could hang around in here for a while ?<br />
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If you could spare a bit of time I reckon your perspective on things - 4 years on from when you were in the position, could be extraordinarily helpful to "newbies" and old farts like me.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thanks for the advice Dancing4Ever. I left him almost a year after I wrote the post above, as things never really did get better. He retained a relationship with his son and I worked on moving forward in my life. Since then I've finished my Master's degree and last summer became involved in a new realtionship. He's a great man, who doesn't believe in drinking "at all" her prefers gingerale and enjoys frequent sex, is emotionally there for my son and I, and a kind person. So it was hard leaving that awful relationship, but so worth it in the end. My son's father, on the other hand, just decided to check into rehab and detox...3 days ago. I am so glad I didn't stay in misery that long:) And even though he's receiving help he's still selfish. Again -- it's just all in the journey, but I am so glad I moved on from that chapter in my life.

My advice - be cautious. My first husband was an alcoholic. it's been 19 years since the divorce. Had I stayed in that marriage, my child would now be a drunk also. I left him so my son would have a chance. THINK OF YOUR CHILDS FUTURE FIRST.

You are correct, the drinking is a big part of the 'no intimacy' problem. Many men lose thier sexual appetite if they drink too much. Good luck and best wishes!

Hi Romantic Lady, your right our stories are similar. It is an awful feeling huh? Especially when you try your best to be everything to that person and they still don't respond. It sounds like you've a lot of effort forth. Will you still marry him if things don't change? I know it's hard and scary when a young child is invovled.... I want my son to see his parents happy and in true and honest love... KWIM? <br />
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Good luck to you!

Take a short break.

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