Observations From A Sexless MarriageI’ve lived in a sexless marriage for 15 years – Since it started. I know there is another forum here for the “Nearly Sexless Marriage”, but when a newlywed is negotiating for sex at any frequency, it is a pretty sexless marriage.
This post is more of a post mortem and perhaps encouragement to others that are banging their heads against a wall trying to “Fix” their marriages. I will offer some observations of symptoms and what years of reflection have led me to believe about them:
If your spouse is “Not Into You” early in the marriage, they are truly not into you at all. You might try to evaluate why they married you, because it was not for love. The corollary to this is that the spouse will never admit that they married you for money or any other non-Love reason, so you should save your breath asking them.
If your spouse gives you reasons they are just not up for “it” – work stress, money, where you live, etc. – and you change or eliminate the “reason” every time, without any change in the level of intimacy, consider #1 above and try to recollect if there was every any real reason for you to believe that you were loved.
When you try to “Reason” with your spouse in an effort to spark some intimacy, and they only insult you (you are immature, damaged from your youth, out of your mind, etc.), stop. Think about it. Is there any real “reason” for physical intimacy within a marriage other than Love, Fun, Relationship Building, or the sheer beauty of the Physical Intimacy Itself? This is not work. If it feels like work someone does not love the other.
If your spouse claims physical ailment as an excuse for lack of intimacy (ED, low libido, etc.) it should make you wonder. Even if they have no interest, how could they have no interest in pleasing their lover? Put yourself in their position. Don’t you love pleasing your lover? How could they be happy to just strand you in a life without the basic human need for intimacy?
When your spouse, in times of stress, chaos, or fights, explodes and tells you things they later recant as “Venting” or other excuses, note these things. They are probably the highest honesty you are likely to get from this spouse. This is why lawyer and interrogators stress those they are questioning. They are trying to elicit the gut honesty from the subject. Never believe it when you hear the next day “I really didn’t mean that, I was just under a lot of stress.” Think of yourself (if you are the loving spouse). When you are under stress, you would naturally build your lover up to rest in their shelter, not tell them you hate them.
When your spouse tells you things intended to make you question your sanity (assuming you are perfectly sane), don’t do it. Ask an old friend if you seem strange or nutty to them. In all likelihood, the spouse is just trying to undermine your confidence.
When you think about it, and you have not seen your spouse naked in months of living together under “Normal” circumstances, that’s because they are avoiding you. Nothing worse for the one trying to avoid sex than getting caught nude by “Oversexed Horndog”, AKA the Husband or Wife.
If someone suggests counseling, you may participate in it depending on your beliefs on such things, but my advice is to trust your instincts and just talk to friends that you trust. I’ve done the “Couples Counseling” and found that the same stuff that went on in our private conversations happened in the counseling sessions. But be prepared for the counselor to be “Political” with their counsel. They know it will do them no good to just ask your spouse why they married you. They also know there is no solution, so they won’t tell your spouse to go home and make love to you wildly and come back to talk about it. That wouldn’t fix it and they know it.
A sexless marriage isn’t the worst thing in the world. It’s bad, but I think there are worse things. In my case, my wife is a good mother and she has very few flaws. Once I got my head straight and dropped the pressure of the physical relationship, she became supportive of most of my endeavors. While one might think early in our marriage that we had many problems – including the “Couples Counselor” – once the sex thing was resolved (I dropped it completely), all the other problems evaporated as well. Go figure.
I know this is not encouraging. But neither is breaking up your family and shuttling kids between separate houses.