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Save Me From Myself

Found this site had to say sometimes it is so overwhelming. Over the hurt and rejection, left with anger and bitterness. He got ED 12 years ago and refused to see a doctor, talk about it or comfort me. Because we had such a physical attraction to each other it became the elephant in the room. I have come to understand my self hate comes from feeling inadequate and unattractive but that is not the truth. Lately I have a very scary new thing going on and that is I have reverted to thinking about sex All the time. It won't go away and am worried I will act on this if the situation arrives.
Kathard8 Kathard8 51-55, F 7 Responses Nov 1, 2012

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I know this is awfully hard, but try not to take his ED personally by blaming or hating yourself.

This is not about how attractive you are to him etc.. This is about him, namely his inability to come to terms with his 'loss' and do something about it. I am not sure why some men behave this way. I am not making excuses for him, but 'shutting down completely' must be some kind of coping mechanism for some men.

I would suggest being completely honest with him about how you feel during the 'talks' and about feeling so unloved that you may be tempted to step outside your marriage. This will be upsetting for him to hear but it is better for him to know. Also ask him how he feels, he may sense your anger and bitterness, blame himself, feel hopeless or he maybe depressed over it.

Is he taking any medicine for high blood pressure or depression? Some medicines can cause ED.

As others say, if he is not even willing to help himself by looking at other options available (ed pills, vacuum pump, penile injections, supplements etc) then you're kind of stuck.

ED can be a precusor to something more serious like diabetes, stroke or heart disease, he should go the doctor and get himself checked.

<p>It is not the ED that is the problem, it is that you do not feel well loved. And that is why your thoughts are wandering over to the "cheating" side.</P><br />
<p>A man who has ED can still engage you sexually, still satisfy you sexually (if you are BOTH open to this and working on alternatives and there are plenty), still leave you feeling well loved and cherished. He can still be your lover.</P><br />
<p>All of these pair bonding behaviors can be engaged in without a working penis.</P><br />
<p>His refusing to see a doctor, talk about it or acknowledge it in any way is the core issue, not the fact that he has ED.</P><br />
<p>His reasons for not seeking help eclipse you and your marriage.</P><br />
<p>That does not read like behaviors of a truly loving husband.

I have raised 4 children and know firsthand what uncontrollable hormones will do. This is not suppose to happen at 50 something. I do not believe in making poor life choices nor do I want this seared on my memory forever. We co-exist, I accept that, more like brother and sister after being married close to 25 years. The only resolution for me is to get that no choice pass and pray this goes away soon. Right now my fantasy scares me but I have not acted on it. Will my marriage survive if I do? I hope to be honest with him and have begun opening up the "sex" talks. Thank you good advice.

I have the same fear. I love my wife, but it is so difficult coming home everynight and not feeling loved. No hugs or kisses from my wife. Everyone now & again she will let me have sex with her or something, but she considers sex & intimacy another job to do around the house.

Dysfunctional marriages do your head in, get you thinking in weird ways and get you making uninformed choices.

Here, for example, your focus has dropped off the resolvement of the core problem - your dysfunctional marriage - and is honing in on a cheating scenario, based on practically no consideration of what is involved (A read of enna30's story "Outsourcing Your Needs" would help you get up to speed on that subject).

If you are at the point of cheating, then by default you are at the point of divorcing (at the hands of a REALLY pissed off spouse) so that is a subject you need detailed knowledge of as well. Consulting a lawyer in your jurisdiction would give you that information.

With information, you can make INFORMED choices.
Do you stay, and be miserable ? What are the upsides and downsides to that choice ?
Do you stay and cheat ? What are the upsides and downsides of that choice ?
Do you leave ? What are the upsides and downsides of that choice ?

YOU can progress you life to a better state. It is all a matter of INFORMED choice, based on observable fact - not promises and not hope. Your marriage might survive this process or it might not. A bit of that will hinge on what your spouse chooses to do as well. He may want to join you on your journey to a better place. That is completely his call, not yours.
Mainly, it will all swing on YOUR choice(s).

It is hard hard work, but you don't get a pass on choice. No-one does.

Tread your own path.

Maybe it is frustration, never thought of it that way.

you should never let yourself become sexually frustrated do it even if it's just online for now