This story written in response to
"What advice would you give someone that's about to get married?"

I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Step 1

By: neuilly

Written on November 2nd, 2012

Step 1

I have a friend in AA, and I attended a few meetings, and it hit me how similarly EP was to AA
The healing process, the ability to get my life back in order, get my self esteem back, all started with that first step

Stumbling in the door way of EP, and sharing my story, sharing my life..

I was very embarrassed and hurt by my life I did not have the ability to share the years and years of sexual abandonment to any one that I knew. And because of my child hood situations, I really felt that I must really be that unloved and unlovable.

But, by coming here, sharing my story, becoming aware, I was not alone in this, there were a lot of people like me, was huge and the beginning of me getting up off of the floor. The people here shared their concern, support, and experiences, and all of that helped me see a way to help my self.

But it all started, by me coming here, and telling my story. I think that first step, of admitting what was happening to me was HUGE. Because for the first time I was having to say to someone, this is me, this what is happening to me and my life, and I don't know what to do.

If you are stuck, you're getting nowhere, maybe it is time to start writing your story, and letting go of the burden you're carrying.

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By: neuilly

Age: 61-65 , Female

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7 responses

neuilly

The point I am trying to make with this post is also that Like in AA, people are at all different stages of emotion when they get to EP....Some like me, are in a panic....they are at the end of their rope, and so they need to be comforted and calmed down and helped to think clearly. They need to be able to calmly deal with their situation in a smart way. And that in fact is how I felt I was treated here. I was treated, with amazing respect and gentleness and comfort.

But other's here, are for the moment, just filling a seat..they are not emotionally desperate. They are not happy, but not ready to do anything. And we need to allow that person to get where he/she needs to be, with out pushing that person. That person is not ready, for a raft of rasons to do anything. All we really need to do is to respect that person, respect where they are in their life, listen to that person, and share what we know. But we really should not be pushy. And that pushiness happens here. If we do that, get to pushy, then all you really do is push the individual away, or push that person into a situation that they are not ready to face or deal with.

Nov 3, 2012
1 like
88ElmiraSt

"Hi, I'm V, and I live in a sexless marriage."
Group: "Hi, V."
"Everything is great but the sex."
Group in unison: "Bullshit."
Similarities indeed. One of the strongest is the commitment to reality. People come in here swathed in layers of denial. The old timers and the quick study new timers cut through that crap pretty quick. Just like AA. The truth is painful, and it is your only hope to climb out of this hole.
In fact I would say this group is not just a metaphor for, but another version of, Codependents Anonymous. Sex dud refusers demonstrate many traits of addicts, and many of the people here are full-on throbbing hardcore industrial strength codependent enablers. The support from those who know, and the brutal commitment to reality, that there is no easy way out of this, are very much like a 12-step group.

Nov 3, 2012
2 likes
- neuilly
  I agree..I absolutely agree, The thing i learned by observation at this AA meeting, was that it was very easy to identify, who was just filling a seat. Who had the attitude, well I am here, what more do you want? They accepted that they drank too much, were drunk too much, but they were ok.They were getting by. the only reason they were there, was because they felt obligated to do something, but their heart was not in it.
  The others there, were very different. They were in an emotional panic. They knew they had no more to give to that way of life. They were hanging on by an unraveling thread . And that desperate knowledge was very visible..And i see that here. I was certainly that way. I knew i honestly was not going to make it, if I did not do something. If i didn't do something to change my situation, I was not destined long for this world.
  
  Nov 3, 2012
  1 like
morningteatime

I have told my H the same thing. He attends a 12 Step meeting weekly, and I've said that EP is my equivalent of 12 Step. Of course, since he moved out, we no longer have that discussion! But you are right.
This board gave me the courage to stand up and say "I must have intimacy in my life - it's what I need". I gave him ample opportunity to figure it out, and he couldn't. He's not bad and neither am I. We just couldn't find our way to an intimate life. So, we had to be brave and tell the truth.
The truth set us free and it started by telling it here.

Nov 2, 2012
1 like
MissLee

Reading the hundreds of stories here has helped to feel much less crazy. I now know that the evolution of my emotions is very normal in this situation. For that I am so thankful to everyone who contributes.

Nov 2, 2012
1 like
bazzar

Sister N. My exposure to a 12 step program (GamAnon - a support group for families where there is a gambling problem) was life changing for me. Just about all the stuff is directly tranferable and applicable to dealing with a dysfunctional marriage.
Tread your own path.

Nov 2, 2012
1 like
- neuilly
  I agree.but I also know, you have to have an emotional involvement. You have to do more than attend the meeting. It takes a personal commitmnent and passion to get yourself out if the mess your in. but is all starts, by admitting to yourself..where you are and what is happening,and then sharing that with someone else, so you have a chance for information, assitance, support.
  
  Nov 2, 2012
  1 like

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