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1+1= -2

I have only been married for a year with no kids but our problems are already getting old. When we fight it’s never something that he’s mad at me about. Most of the time when we argue it’s about me wanting to gain an understanding or bond. I don’t feel heard in my relationship I feel like I’m a problem rather than an asset. He always wants me to let things go and nothing is ever resolved. I feel trapped because I have to try and change my perception sometimes just to get through the day. When I decide to not say anything because I can’t bear fighting all week he is super happy but while doing so I feel I’m losing myself just to avoid an argument. I want to make things work but we both have strong personalities and breaking old habits is hard and not assuring. I wonder if anyone has taken steps to try and get your message across where you both are heard and understood. Possible? Can we both get what we want? Or is someone always going to have to get the short end of the stick.
iamwhatIsayiam iamwhatIsayiam 22-25, F 10 Responses Nov 2, 2012

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Maybe a two pronged attack here.

1 - see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. (It will likely be pretty simple under the circumstances). Get a plan together to get out, and attend to your support network, family / friends / counsellor / church to help tou through the process if it comes to that. You alone can do this. It requires no input or involvement from him at all.

2 - set up an appointment with a couples counsellor. If he won't go, then institute your get out plan there and then. If he does go with you, see how things unfold, but if they are NOT going to your satisfaction after say 60 days, institute your get out plan.

Tread your own path.

There's a great book called " Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life". I have found this book to be invaluable as I try to become a better communicator with the ultimate goal of becoming a better partner. All of us could learn how to improve our listening and talking skills.

It's worth the effort for awhile to work on the relationship, but where you start is with you. You can't fix him no matter how hard you try. The only person you can change is you. When one person changes, the dynamic of the relationship must change as well - sometimes for the better and sometimes it gets worse. If you bring the best person you are to the marriage, then he will have to do the same or it will end.

Can you give just simple example of your typical argument,please?

Example: I feel my husband plays video games too much ( he never played while we were dating for 2 years) so instead of “nagging him” I decided to do a ***** tease for him while he was playing but to my surprise he tried to continue playing and look at me at the same time, Not to be obnoxious but im in shape and attractive and he really hurt my feeling . And when I tried to talk to him about it he said that was reality and those were just my feelings. Just kept saying shouldn’t be upset. Most arguments are about small petty stuff but they are adding up to be bigger issues so I want to stop before it becomes a bigger mess.

"And when I tried to talk to him about it he said that was reality and those were just my feelings." He is a brilliant manipulator! Yes, according to
Behavioral Psychology we choose how to respond in a particular situation... So in this situation you chose to express your feelings... It is just simple conclusion...
But he showed,that video game for him was more important then intimacy with you(though you cried for it)... He maybe showing his addictive nature... and very lousy attitude to the marriage already... Which is very sad... Reminded me my first husband... Whenever I tried to talk, to discuss anything(children,money, the state of our marriage), I heard just the same- don't nag me, it is all in your head... We actually never discuss anything... He did not want to... After several years I started to question my sanity... What was wrong with me if I can not just have simple conversation with my husband?

You are young. Learn from this. See the toxicity of the guys you are attracted to. Then run. Otherwise, you will continue to struggle and 20 years will have passed. Most likely you will have kids and you will find yourself in a deeper hole.

you say you don't feel heard. BIG RED FLAG.

IF you think that counseling could help AND your H agrees to go, seems to be honestly and wholeheartedly trying, there's a chance you can save the marriage. keep reading and as others before me: DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

okay iamwhatisayiam he doesn't wanna take care of your needs and desires. first u have is doing it yourself through ************ an sextoys,if u r open to that.2nd choice is to find someone on line to have cyber sex with.that way u won't be cheating an still get what u need and desire.3rd is find a nice hunky stud to give u what u want and need.
up to u how u go about this just giving u options.so u can be happy.we all desirve to be happy don't we.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

Perhaps counselling can help provide you BOTH the tools to learn how to communicate more effectively.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

KEEP READING HERE.

What do you mean about gaining an understanding or bond. ?Are the arguments intimacy based, or other issues. You are very young, perhaps giving him an agenda of your expectations could help with steering the relationship to give you both equality in the marriage. Express your needs,, don't become a doormat:))

I like the idea of using an agenda –I honestly believe my H wants to please me but needs more direction. I just get tired of him not validating my feeling and picking which things he thinks are important to him.

It's calledself centerdness! Many men , including myself have the ideal that a woman should mother them, pick up after them , give love and sex, and continually do these things without complaint. I'm not saying all men, but it's very common.
Many if my friends whose marriages and relationships have dissipated, have been self centred! Full stop, and they know it :(

H probably honestly believes he want to please you, too. That does not mean that he actually wants to please you, or that he thinks he needs to change anything to please you. It's possible that he has a huge disconnect here. Your job is to see the difference between what he thinks and what he does.

i did that and honestly - I lost myself. don't do that.