Solution For Me?

I am in a marriage that has been sexless for about 5 years. On average my wife and I go 2 to 3 months between sexual encounters, but the longest we've gone was 10 months. I'm young, 31, and frankly want sex daily. Once a week, or maybe every other week, I think I could tolerate. This situation is driving me crazy though. Something has got to give.

We have gone to counseling, tried meds, talked about it (at length) repeatedly, etc. She always promises to "do better" but never follows through. She had ovarian failure which basically leaves her with no hormones and no sex drive. Hormone replacement "just isn't the same" in her words. Its like menopause, except menopause happens naturally and the body is ready for it. I know it's not her fault but I can't live like this.

I love her and she's my best friend, so divorce isn't an option. I know I'm a sensitive, loving guy, so any FWB I would get emotionally attached to. That wouldn't work, so I've turned to prostitutes. Just sex, and no emotional attachment. I've only seen one, and only once, a few weeks ago, but it did the trick. I carried a lot of guilt, but it got better, though it comes back from time to time. Over all though I think it could be an option for me. Any thoughts?
malrotic malrotic
31-35, M
11 Responses Nov 2, 2012

If you read any of my profile then you already know where I'm coming may not relate at all. If I were the one who was medically incapable of satisfying my wife, then I would find her a substitute......a surrogate lover. I would be happier knowing she was having her needs met where I couldn't meet them. She could enjoy the sex without the fear of losing me. We could share the experience together so she wouldn't have to feel guilty for her access to outside sex. You two can find a solution that fits both of you. No need to break up a marriage for sex.....JMHO. I certainly wish you the best.

I agree. Sex I'd no reason to break up a marriage, and sticking together has paid off. We are doing much much better these days. See my more recent stories for updates.

You run a risk of contracting an STD from prosties...there are treatments to help your wife increase her libido..she can't get better without advice is find a sex therapist/gynecologist and get her on the "patch" a combo of testosterone and progsterone

Malrotic, I managed to find a link on premature ovarian failure at
and the solution which is Hormone Extension Therapy (HET) delivered as a patch and pill, slightly different to Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) for older women undergoing menopause.

Why is your wife not taking this to solve her libido problem?

I find it hard to believe that your marriage is healthy and perfect bar the sex. Your marriage resembles the dysfunctional 'codependent' type of relationship to me.

In a co-dependent relationship, one person control and manipulate the other and the codependent (the person being controlled) will do crazy, crazy things to keep the relationship going (eg., considering crushing his own testicles).
Sometimes the manipulator can make the co-dependent do things that are at odds with his own moral conviction (like using the service of a prostitute)
See what I mean?

Maybe it is time for you to tell your wife to 'cut the crap' and go to the doctor for the HET.

Sorry if I sound blunt and harsh.

Interesting. Our doctor never suggested HET. I'll have to look into that.

I'm starting to think you're all right that my marriage isn't perfect. I'm starting to realize she needs me to handle everything in our lives. Solve all our problems. Even the things I ask her to handle, she can't do on her own without asking me question after question, and getting me to look over an approve of everything. The way she acts, you'd think I physically or emotionally abuse her. I don't of course. But she can't or won't do anything on her own. It's almost like she's a child that needs constant help and assurance, not an adult.

I would like you to seriously sit and think and feel about a couple of things:
1. That sex is all you are missing. I would suggest that sexual intimacy is the void you feel, that deep connection with the person you love. You'll learn the hard way that sex with a prostitute or stranger does not address your desire to be wanted and desired by that someone special.
2. Your assertion that you have the perfect love in your marriage. No mate, there are issues about not being loved the way you need or want to be loved, and there is dishonesty.
3. That you think that going to a prostitute time and time again will actually preserve your love for your spouse. My suggestion is that it will eat away at you, especially when you start to resent your wife for 'making' you do this, even though it is a dhoice you are exercising.

In the end, you do know the score and you are responsible for your own choices. Be well.

You've got some good points for me to think over.

Isn't the bigger problem her medical condition though? We had sex like 1-4 times a week before her ovaries failed. In my eyes, that's the new piece of the puzzle.

Yea I wonder about that too. Her doctor says its different because "real" menopause happens naturally and the body is ready. This on the other hand is a shock to the body or something. I don't see how its different from a hysterectomy though. Does that kill your sex drive too?

Honestly I ask myself the same question all the time. If she loves me like she says she does, why can't she just do it for me, even if she doesn't have the desire? I would certainly do that for her. You may be right that there are bigger issues here. I just can't guess what they are. I have really communicated my needs, exhaustively, and our relationship is great in other ways, so it seems to me. So what is keeping her from tending to my needs? Doesn't she care? I've told her how I feel and that if something doesn't give I may cheat, and she promises to do better. What's tge deal? Do I smell? I'm pretty hygienic! Wtf!

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I have taken Maca root powder and DHEA...alternating between the two.
This probably only raises my testosterone amount an infinetismal bit, but I have more energy, more sex drive, and more O's, more easily.
Low-dose testosterone along with the more ladylike hormones might help matters.
Good luck.

I gather you're suggesting this may lower my sex drive?

Nope, raise hers. I'm female.

Ah. That would be awesome. Have to look into that.

As the thread has developed, a classic case of "everything is great bar the sex" has emerged.

Given your position of divorce as a non option, FWB as not a good fit (presumably also ruling out affair and cheating) you are fast running out of options.

The "Ghandi strategy" is worthy of consideration.
This requires taking your thinking and spiritual outlook to a point that transcends the daily grind of life and has you completely accepting of your missus, exactly as she is, with no reservations, no conditions, no regrets and no resentment.
It will likely take a zen master to assist you to this point of enlightenment, and the odd decade or two as well.
But you do have a jump start. Everthing is great bar the sex. Right ??

Yeah, right.

Tread your own path.

Actually, the "Ghandi Strategy", as you put it, was my last strategy, albeit without the assistance of a Zen master. It's unmaintainable for me, at least at the moment. I can keep that up for weeks at a time, but all it takes is a hottie flirting with me on the elevator to tear it down. Then it takes a couple days to get back into my trance. ...I really can't keep it up.

I am running out of options, as you said. Perhaps I need to just try this again. Maybe with practice (and age) I can become better at it.

**** this is depressing....

There was a bloke here a day or two ago who initially claimed to have reached a very high level of acceptance (not in Ghandi's league) and was pretty happy with things. "CreelUnion" weas his name if you want to search it.
Unfortunately it turned vout to be bullshit. He'd actually been cheating to cope with the situation.

I totally understand where you're coming from, but I'm married to a man who won't have sex with me. I've often thought that it would be great to find a male prostitute just for sex. However, you're younger than me and maybe you're not so financially obligated at this point. You need to think about divorce. You're not really in a romantic relationship if your wife won't have sex with you. You're just friends. Find someone who is compatible with you on all levels. The best marriages retain a spark of physical intimacy even as the couple ages, even into their 80s. Get out while you can. Even if your wife is accepting of you using prostitutes, it's not a healthy lifestyle.

But in all my years, I've never met a woman I thought I could love so much and love me so much in return. I've had plenty of lovers prior to her, and not one was half as good a match. The first years of dating and marriage were blissful (and lustful). It was only after her ovaries turned into raisins that this became an issue.

Let's look at this another way. Suppose she was horribly maimed or burned, needed constant care, and was unable to perform sexually. What would you think of me for divorcing her over sex then? This is very similar. Her problem is medical. It's not that she's being a cold spiteful wife. She hasn't "decided" to just stop having sex with me. I meant what I said below... In every other way our relationship is great. Almost perfect even.

You know what? You're right. I needed to hear that.

If I lost my equipment in an accident or something, I would be trying to over compensate for it with my hands and mouth. I'd do everything I could to make sure no other man out there could please her sexually more than I was. I think pleasing her would help me feel like more of a "man" in that situation too.

I think I might point that out to her....

Living in a dysfunctional marriage ***** with your head, gets you thinking weird ****, and making uninformed choices.

Here, for example, you say "divorce isn't an option" yet you have, and may continue to, go outside the marriage for sex.

If your missus discovers this fact, might she not re-act unfavourably, and bring about the very circumstance you say is "not an option" ??

I am most definitely NOT making a judgement call here. It is entirely YOUR business what you do, and it is YOU alone who provides the moral framework for your choice, no-one else.

What I am saying is that this seems like a stupid idea as it is completely at odds with your agenda of divorce "not being an option"

If you are going to proceed with this, then clearly divorce IS a possible outcome, and you'd do well to check the implications of that out fully with a lawyer in your jurisdiction.

Tread your own path.

I see that this all went bad 5 years ago, yet you engaged in ivf and brought a kid into a dysfunctional situation 3 years ago. Dysfunctional marriages surely do do your head in, and get you making uninformed choices.

Yea. Does mess with your head. Aside from sex though, everything is fine... Almost perfect even. She's happy, my kid is happy, the only one having a hard time is me. I don't take it out on them but my sexual frustration drives me nut.

Well, when I said divorce isn't an option, I didn't mean it wasn't possible. I just meant its not an option I'd choose to initiate. I realize I may be indirectly initiating it by my actions, but so is she be driving me to this. I just meant I'm not going to pursue divorce directly.

Well... Yea. That's pretty much it. If she'd sleep with me on a somewhat regular basis or relationship would be basically flawless.

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Welcome to our world. Sorry to hear you're going through this. I personally would caution against prostitutes. Even "protection" isn't 100% against disease. What if your wife finds out? I think you would do better to be honest and move on.

I'm willing to risk disease honestly. ...can't believe I'm saying that, but its that or my sanity. If she finds out it'll break her heart but I don't think she'd leave. She might ever allow it after she came to terms with the idea. I don't know.

If you want to stay in your marriage, you have probably found the best solution as long as she never finds out. If she does, it will certainly change your relationship and usually not for the better.

You might tell her your intentions...that if she can't be with you, you must find a suitable outlet. That might help her seek other solutions that you can work through together or it's possible she will accept the option you've already chosen. If she accepts your solution to "outsource" then your guilt will subside. If she doesn't, then your choices become fewer..actually down to 2 - leave or stay.

I chose to stay in my marriage and not outsource. I went through 22 years virtually sexless. My H is also my best friend (or one of them) but he cannot be intimate with me. I wouldn't recommend doesn't seem to get better.

Honestly, I would like to tell her my plan, but she has it in her head she can fix this. I've lost faith though. It's just not in her. But I think telling her would break her heart. It would get rid of my guilt if she gave her blessing, but would hurt her. Seems like a selfish move on my part.

Telling her might save her. You are not being honest with the depth of your need. You have chosen an activity that will hurt her more if she finds out than telling her the truth about your needs. She can't begin to fix it if she doesn't really know what your bottom line is - your action to outsource is a decision that's already lit the fuse. You're not the person she thinks you are and you've decided she can't handle the truth. Not telling the truth is more selfish than being honest.

I've told her before though that this state of things may drive me to look elsewhere one day if we don't fix it. She always promises to do better but that usually only means we have sex the next night and then she forgets about it for three months, despite my initiation. I feel as though I've communicated my needs.

You are very young and it would be absolutely logical to finish this marriage and find a new (more suitable partner) to start all over again... You can stay friends and still care for her.. Basically your wife does not need and does not want sex, you can not change it, it will be the same forever...
I met a man once... His wife had similar problem after giving birth to two children. She does not want sex. He has very high libido and just have as much sex as he can(long and short affairs,one nights,any experiments(like S&M)... He has completely separated his marriage and sex... He is very loving and gentle towards his wife(she does not need anything more). No guilt at all... He accepts his wife for who is she and accepts himself for who is he... She has no idea about her husband's Alter Ego(for more than 20 years), as he is very discreet and protective of his family...

IMHO... if no children involved, I would not consider the above is the best choice... After certain age you may deeply regret if you don't have children...

... We have a 3 year old son. Took $30k and three doctors, but she got pregnant with one of the last eggs they could harvest.... So yea, our kiddo is a factor.