Feeling Sorry For Myself

Can I engage in a little self pity on this forum? Well I'm guessing i already have in the past, but this morning it hit me how utterly lonely I feel.

I have 'blocked' the EX from most of my life events - haven't told him I got that patent!!! etc, just go through the motions with him - yet I don't have anyone right now that I can feel that close to. So I'm "blocking out" the good interactions now too with him, yet have no replacement... void... I mean the sexless void was there for years, still is, and I'm used to that, but I think I'm feeling lonely now because the FRIENDSHIP thing is starting to feel hollow too.

I did start to interact on dating sites, but after the initial rush of communicating and even meeting a person or two, the distance between starting all over again and where I want to be with someone is astronomical, I'm very confused and uncertain .... not sure what's going on there.

You'd think someone in my shoes would just "jump" the first person they meet, but somehow that's not in my nature. or maybe I've been out of the game wayyyyy too long.

Been disappointed for so long, I find it hard not to act sarcastic on the dating sites.

Just venting a little this morning. Thanks.

ETA: the kids' hallowe'en chocolates are calling my name... dammit... because master-b-tion just aint cutting it
zsuzsilowinger zsuzsilowinger
36-40, F
7 Responses Nov 4, 2012

you should go onto " plenty of fish " website for your area....they have lots of dances and socials that you couild attend,...if you sign up and go tho them you might meet someone that is in a similiar position...i have been to many of them and really enjoy the attention form the membership...

Thanks. I'll combine this with the "never go on POF ever ever!!!" advice below and say they cancel each other out. Good to know someone is enjoying POF. (for the record, my own father has been on POF for years and met some great girlfriends that way...)

I have had pretty good luck on POF, too. Of course, I only date currently married men and that's a whole different strategy...but there are some good eggs on there, just like you (another good egg) is on there. It's a screening process.

you shoudlnt go onto POF to find someone...but to go to their schedules activities...the dances and the other activities that they schedule monthly...the reason i suggested it....i started going to them to be around other people like me...it kept me from being alone...i met some really nice peopel...and made new friends...

For me the answer was time. One day I woke up, and I didn't miss her anymore. Of course, We had not grown up together...but we were together for 11 years. The other thing that helped was making drastic changes in my life. Suddenly It seemed like even my memories of her didn't fit with my life. This made things easier to bear, until eventually It was just a joy to be away from her, and a joy to be alone.

I don't miss him, he's still in the basement, LOL...

It's been great following your journey. It gives the rest of us so much hope for hte future!

As I've said (probably too many times)..it's been over two years now. Losing his friendship was horrible for me - we'd grown up together - had two beautiful children. I have to protect myself from him because every once in a while - I'll start feeling like we can be friends and then he'll do something to remind me that I'm in the "hated X" bucket. It's like he forgets to keep me there - and then wakes up and remembers he's suppose to hate me - and the wheels come off.

I miss his friendship - and I'm in a terrific relationship with an awesome guy who I'm totally in love with...and so ya...it's confusing. My mind tells me - he was never my friend because friends don't do what he did...but my heart is another matter. I woke up next to him for 20+ years...and we shared so much life. And now...he's just gone.

I thought we would always be friends just because of the shared history - I knew there would be bumps but thought our friendship would still be there. HGBF is fortunate enough to have this be his reality with his X. It works - and it's best for his kids...and to be honest..it makes me a little jealous sometimes. I'm not jealous of her - as in worried - but just jealeous that he was able to create the reality I had hoped for...if that makes sense.

So - when I'm feeling like you are now - I just let it flow. I'm sad..I cry...and then it passes and I move on. I don't look for all the answers - because I've accepted they don't really exist. It's emotion and the only action required or necessary on our parts is to me kind to ourselves when it visits.

"My mind tells me - he was never my friend because friends don't do what he did...but my heart is another matter"

oh I know this feeling and thought process so well. Some people like your ex choose to throw the baby out with the bath water. I wish it wasn't so, but it seems like it is for a lot of people. Somehow it's how they keep themselves feeling vindicated or strong.

I think it's my heart that doesn't want to hurt HIM still, but yeah, thinking on what he's done to me, friends don't do that. You very eloquently outlined what I think many of us here are going through, thank you.

We did 2...almost 3 years of marriage counseling. It was a farce. It was him trying to make sure he kept me in his comfort zone..he said the things he thought it would take...he did some of the things recommended...but in the end...backtracked..said it never happened...and got out his magical paintbrush and tried to repaint history. I hope your experience is different - but just be vigilant about protecting your heart and yourself. Know that it is a possibility that you are being played...and played hard...but someone who has likely be playing you for quite some time.

Engel, I hope you get going in a direction that feels better for you soon. Maybe the Holidays will give you a break you need.

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I reckon the secret to Internet dating is just to get out there for the coffee (I know that's a sore spot for you!) and enjoy meeting people you would never ordinarily meet. Anything else is gravy...enchilada gravy.

Baby steps, baby steps for me... I did meet up with one person, and it wasn't completely awful, nice to meet someone, but no more chemistry than any random joe on the street.

I'm talking with other friends who are dating, and it seems to be a learning process for all of us.

I'm sorry you are feeling that. Loneliness is a pain as real as any other. All I have to offer is to tell you to actually do the things you love, it distracts you from the loneliness and if you happen to meet someone doing the same you have at least some real connection to them as a place to start. Being busy helps me a lot when I feel alone.

Love yourself

thank you. I did go out for a bike ride to a friend's place after posting here, and felt so much better just getting out of the house.

That you would "jump the first person you meet" doesn't gel with the Sister Z I know. Not in any way.

See, if you just wanted a root, I would bet you could achieve such an aim within the hour. And their-in lies the key. You don't want "just a root". When the time comes, you want the whole enchilada.

Meantime, the dud enchilada in your life needs binning. It is starting to go off (though some parts are not yet rotten) and you are in a place where you reckon you could handle those not yet spoiled bits - it'd be better than having NO enchilada.

You are still fighting this war on two fronts. One too many.

There is your priority battle, the new life ahead of you which requires management and informed decisions.
And then there is the spoiled enchilada, still in the pantry and causing you grief. Using up resources and logistics you need for your priority battle.

Tread your own path.

Hello bazzar... not sure whether not jumping the first person is a sign of virtue or fear at the moment. I think the whole "wanting the whole enchilada" got me in trouble in the first place. if I could have seen EX as just a temporary fling, instead of ignoring all evidence to the contrary, i could have saved myself about 11 1/2 years of b*llsh*t.... I am worried that whoever I do end up with, if anyone, I will once again fall too hard for, rather than letting myself learn and move on. I might WANT the "whole enchilada", but it might not be what I get in this life... and I think it scares me.

I hear you my friend. I understand where you are because I'm in a similar place. I am happy to have the burden of my SM behind me, yet I am not fully engaged in a new place so it feels like you don't fit anywhere. At least in the SM, you had a place to be.

The dating websites are an interesting exercise. I went out with one gentleman who wa very nice, but I felt no chemistry with him. Honestly, at this stage of my life I have plenty of friends and don't want to spend time with someone I can't imagine having a relationship with.

So, I've taken a step back and am regrouping. I've started making a list of the people I know who I'd like to know better. I'n going to invite them over for an evening of food and wine. I'm puting the dates on my calendar today. I joined a "Meet-Up" group of moderate hikers and am scheduled to go on a hike next weekend. Where I live there is wonderful hiking so I'm going to a place I've read about but never been, and I'm sure I'll meet some nice people. I'm continuing on the dating sites but doing it my way...I find I'm not attracted to many people (of course photos are often inaccurate), but when I am, I'm going to reach out and see what happens. And I want to learn how to make a KILLER tomato basil soup!

I feel this time is about my healing. The lonliness comes on sometimes, but I've learned this is a result of anxiety. I'm perfectly capable of entertaining myself as I'm sure you are so what's the anxiety about? It is that fear that I am unlovable and undesirable, a by-product of the SM. That is a self-bashing tape which plays in my head and is ridiculous. So, I have figured out ways to reduce my anxiety and one is just not letting myself indulge in negative self-talk. I promise, if I can do that, anyone can do it.

So, I affirm your sad place today and will sit by you for awhile. There is so much beauty beyond our SM's, but we have to put our head up to see it. Do something kind for yourself today- something that makes you feel alive.

1000 likes for this post of MTT's. I agree with the "do stuff that you enjoy, with other people, and you will meet people who enjoy the same things." Worst case is you make some new friends - Best case was my happy ending. Dating sites are also good to help you refine your criteria in choosing another partner. : )

Ditto, Chai. Reading mtt's advice is like getting a warm hug. She writes with sincerity and depth. The world would be a much better place if there were more Chais and mtts.

(My apologies for hijacking your post, zsuz...I'm familiar with your emotional state. I can't offer better or different advice than the two wise women preceding me...hugs.)

Morningteatime.. I do so enjoy the comments you write. I wish I could have all of you over for a coffee at my home and we could talk ..

I am glad to have the opportunity to read your insightful comments. I do get discouraged because most of you whom I would like to be friends with I cannot add.. But am glad I can read what all of you wonderful people write..

Dear morningteatime, thank you for making me feel less alone in what I'm going through. And your food and wine evenings sound divine, and a lot like what my life was before kids/marriage....

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