Given The Choice – I Would Rather Be The Refused Than The RefuserI have been thinking a lot lately about my personal journey – all the steps through heartache, depression, fear, worry, etc. taken in order to arrive at a place of acceptance and optimism. Acceptance of the truth that divorcing my wife of 28 years is the right thing to do. Optimism that my future is full of potential and that a joyous level of happiness is attainable. I have also concluded that I would rather be the refused spouse rather than the refuser spouse if given the choice.
You might ask why would anyone choose to be rejected, choose to have their self-esteem trampled upon daily, choose to be denied intimacy, and choose to be the refused sexually? So why? Simple….because most of the refused eventually realize that something terrible is wrong and they seek answers. They look deep within themselves and try to finds ways to improve. They wonder why. They long for something more, something much better than what they have or what they are offered. The refused have the capacity to grow. The refused can escape the confines of their situation if they choose to do so. The refused are emotional beings that crave intimacy and need another soul to share their authentic selves. On the otherhand, the refusers are generally complacent, they covet the status quo, they protect themselves (egos) at the expense of their spouse, they have limited opportunity for emotional growth, they fear deep intimacy, they do not crave anything better than what they already have, and at their very worst….they blame or punish their spouse rather than look inward for answers. I wonder if refusers have the ability to be truly authentic with another human being. Refusers seem to suffer from a fatal flaw or defect that I do not wish to have……so I would rather be the refused.
The reason I have been thinking about this now is that I’m on the eve of the first major step in my exit plan. Tomorrow I will be hiring my attorney and notifying my wife of the impending divorce filing by me. A few months ago, I never would have dreamed I could say such a thing – let alone actually do it. To any of you out there suffering a life as the refused, please know that the power for change lies within your own mind and heart – the power for change is in your own hands. The refusers do not have such power for change. We, the refused, are the strong – they, the refusers, are the weak.