I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Feels Like I'm Drowning

By: Wifey70

Written on November 4th, 2012

Hello to everyone. I'm glad to have stumbled upon this group. I know that justbeing able to vent or speak about this will help me since this isn't something I am comfortable talking to anyone about as far as family or my circle of friends.

I have been with my husband for 6 years. Initially, our sex life was frequent even if I had a few of the usual complaints (by "usual" I mean foreplay and keeping things exciting). I would give anything to have those problems now!

Outr issues began with my husband being rx'd Prozac. Like many, he experienced a drastic loss in libido. He was going through custody/visitation issues with his ex and the proceedings took a toll. He alost immediately noticed adverse side effects and stopped taking the medication. I don't think he even finished the first bottle. Extreme paranoia and sleep problems were among the worst, then there was the libido loss which we didn't immediately attribute to the meds.

That was 4 years ago and I now believe the side effects gave way to an overall problem with sexual confidence. Its hard enough (no pun intended), to deal with a lack of desire but when you take away the ability to follow through things get horrible. Premature ***********, erectile dysfunction...catch 22. He got to the point where just knowing we were going to TRY Stressed him out so much it took all pleasure from the experience for both of us. Now? We work opposite shifts and have four children to attend to. The chasm just widens and widens and while I have spoken with him about my feelings and I know he understands, nthing is really changing. If a person coud die from a lack of affection, I feel like I'd be on life support by now. I am depressed and frustrated along with feeling like the last sliver of anything I can label as my "youth" is being wasted.

I'm just....lost.

By: Wifey70

Age: 41-45 , Female

464 people have read this story

Email:

Username:

Password:

Birthday:

By clicking "Post", you confirm that you agree to the Terms of Service of Experience Project, Inc.

20 responses

ImtooSexy

Have you asked the clinic or hospital for any treatment available to someone who has 'psychological' ED due to anxiety. They may be able to offer your H counselling or sex therapy to address his anxiety problems.
Magnesium is good for anxiety / sleep problem / blood circualtion. You can get magnesium oil from the health store and perhaps gave him a good message. You can even rub the oil on his male member (the oil is a bit sticky) that is if he even allow you to go anywhere near it.
But you are right, you have to push and push, if you wait for him to take any action, you will have to wait until eternity. It will never happen.
My H has ED as a side effect of his diabetes but he is not taking any insulin. Like your H, he is so stubborn, he refused to try anything except take a few supplements, which promote blood circulation and heal damaged nerves.
On the plus side, he is willing to have sex with me despite his ED, but it took him a long time, to realise how rejected I felt.
One more thing, kegel exercise for men, my husband tried this and it looked really promising (I could see the difference) and then he started saying 'I feel so humiliated!' and stopped trying. Google online for 'how to do the kegel exercise for men' and then emailed it to your H.

Nov 5, 2012
2 likes
- Wifey70
  No, unfortunately his experience with Prozac has made him so anti-prescription drugs....I haven't really spoken with him about things to specifically enhance his libido though. Its something I've put off and need to reasearch so that I know what I'm talking about when I bring it up:)
  My husband is willing to have sex as well....its just somewhat stressfuk and never spontaneous. Its always obviously something he's doing for me with just one exception in the last year. And that time didn't end all that well, so...
  
  Nov 6, 2012
  1 like
shadrackjones

if he is really having problems...try toys and mutual satisfaction...have you ever seen a rabiit at work...if he is able to " get you off " with help then he may relax enough to be able to resurrect his failing member... my wife and i have resorted to using toys...and it has helped a lot...of ourse sharing your fantasies with each other might help too

Nov 5, 2012
1 like
rjschoch

why go through all these mind games and all the long winded solutions people offer that amount to nothing no one knows your situation better than you,,there is no reason to be sexually and emotionally frustrated ,you do have options,

Nov 5, 2012
1 like
- Wifey70
  Ummm, because I'm married? And for some, that necessitates a degree of effort until they feel ALL avenues have been exhausted. for some, pursuing outside relationships is where they are and the decision they've made. I respect individual choice because, as you said, no one understands your situation as well as yourself.
  As far as long winded solutions, I have already found that I feel better for sharing my story. You're here, so you must find some merit in discussion boards yourself. As with most things, I find its best to listen and take what rings true to heart and discard the rest. Its advice and insight that nobody is force feeding.
  I don't think of any of it as a mind game. I've lived through what I consider mind games and trust me- this man has real, clinical issues that aren't power trips or games at all. Thats not to say he's not accountable. We ALL are! Especially in a marriage. Its simply a fact that deserves weight when making my decisions and drawing conclusions.
  
  Nov 6, 2012
  1 like
- rjschoch
  I agree,, went through it all my self,,
  
  Nov 6, 2012
  1 like
Wifey70

Ttree, please tell me more about how I can research hypnosis.
I agree with several of you saying its selfish and lazy of him not to offere alternative methods of sexual gratification to me. its as if he feels that because the "main event" is troublesome, theres no point in anything else. If the shoe were on the other foot I'd be wearing out my mouth and probably have carpal tunnel by now for him.
I also know its his issue to either face or not. Unfortinately if I don't push, the alternative is to let this ship sink evidently. I may come to that eventually if no progress is made. I am a VERY proactive person by nature so its hard for me to do nothing when something is wrong. Another reason his apparent willingness to let this go on pains me so much. My main issue is allowing myself to be confrontational about this with him in spite of his obvious embarassment and discomfort.
I actually EMAILED him. Last week. I thought it might helpp with his comfort level to have a dialog that wasn't face to face. He suprised me by coming home and launching into a speech about how he knows I am suffering and things will get better as soon as he adjusts to his new work schedule. He referred to it as "in the bedrooom". A year ago, I'd of been thrilled with even this much from him. Now? I recognize it as another way of biding his time. Its always something and I'm tired of waiting only to have the supposed time frame come and go with no real change.

Nov 4, 2012
1 like
mvcmvc

If he refuses to work on his issues with anxiety surrounding intimate relationships (isn't anxiety the reason he was taking Prozac? He stopped the meds but the underlying anxiety is still present and has probably been present all his life), there is nothing you can do here but live your life.
His assorted mental maladies have now left you abandoned intimate wise. And since TIME is the most precious commodity in these dynamics, he has nothing to lose by promising fix after fix - even if those promises bear no fruit.
No magic fix here. He is choosing to withdraw his love and affection instead of being proactive - causing irreparable/irreversible damage to your marriage.
It is only a matter of time before you fall out of love with him. Resentment will eclipse the feelings of love you had for him. His refusal to engage in intimate pair bonding behaviors will cause this to happen.

Nov 4, 2012
3 likes
lonelymom2

I wish I had some magic solution for you! I don't! I just know you can't die from lack of affection, even though at times it feels like you might! If you could I would have died years ago. You've made an important first step, reached out to others just like you! It really does help. Your not alone!

Nov 4, 2012
1 like
Wifey70

Ttree, please tell me more about how I can research hypnosis.
I agree with several of you saying its selfish and lazy of him not to offere alternative methods of sexual gratification to me. its as if he feels that because the "main event" is troublesome, theres no point in anything else. If the shoe were on the other foot I'd be wearing out my mouth and probably have carpal tunnel by now for him.
I also know its his issue to either face or not. Unfortinately if I don't push, the alternative is to let this ship sink evidently. I may come to that eventually if no progress is made. I am a VERY proactive person by nature so its hard for me to do nothing when something is wrong. Another reason his apparent willingness to let this go on pains me so much. My main issue is allowing myself to be confrontational about this with him in spite of his obvious embarassment and discomfort.
I actually EMAILED him. Last week. I thought it might help with his comfort level to have a dialog that wasn't face to face. He suprised me by coming home and launching into a speech about how he knows I am suffering and things will get better as soon as he adjusts to his new work schedule. He referred to it as "in the bedrooom". A year ago, I'd of been thrilled with even this much from him. Now? I recognize it as another way of biding his time. Its always something and I'm tired of waiting only to have the supposed time frame come and go with no real change.

Nov 4, 2012
3 likes
- FaithfullyBlue
  "If the shoe were on the other foot I'd be wearing out my mouth and probably have carpal tunnel by now for him."
  This is the quote of the week and why we can't comprehend what's going on inside the head of a refuser who claims to love us!
  
  Nov 5, 2012
  1 like
88ElmiraSt

If a short period of erectile dysfunction due to medication led to a loss of sexual confidence for the rest of his life, he has deeper issues than sexual performance. Or maybe he just found the perfect excuse to be rid of the chore of sex. It doesn't sound like he was exactly burning with passion even when he was physically able.

Nov 4, 2012
2 likes
- Wifey70
  Actually, he wore me out before the meds. I think that there are definitely other issues/things that have piggy backed on top of the medication....and the meds didn't steal his confidence, they just kept him from performing and THAT stole it. He also used to self medicate his anxiety with pot and has since stopped (a joint decision I encouraged him to make when we became parents). So thats two biggies almost simultaneously, ya know? Can't...keep it up, woman is constantly unsatisfied and nothing to take the edge off his day to day feelings of anxiousness and being overwhelmed by things here and there. I don't get it, but from the outside even, I can imagine its a nightmare for him too. Which is why I've hung in there this long.
  I told him last night my theory on biding his time with promises. I didn't put it that way, but told him I have seen that we will always have something we are waiting for to pass before we get close again and I'm done playing that. I told him to pick 3 nights a week and on those nights we have to commit to an hour of physical contact. Doen't have to be sex, but we do need to be touching in some way, be it cuddlng while watching tv, sex or whatever. I said it sounds silly, but the basic idea is to re-familiarize ourselves with physical intimacy, almost like a couple just staring out. To my suprise, he agreed and asked if I would watch a movie with him tonight he's been wanting to see. Said "we can lie in bed while we watch". I'm not getting my hopes up that this is the beginning of change but i am trying to keep an open mind for another round of attempts. I went with 3 knowing that realistically the number is high for our current status so we may end up with 1 or 2 that he will stick with to start because he feels he's let me down not incorporating 3.
  
  Nov 5, 2012
  1 like
- 88ElmiraSt
  This would not be a problem for a man who was willing to either take a pill or get his tongue working. It still seems like it's all about his ego rather than your satisfaction.
  
  Nov 5, 2012
  1 like
WhiteSoxGal

wow between your age and your situation I feel like I could probably be one of your twin sisters. my husband started medication mostly for cholesterol, blood pressure and whammo he can't perform. he had a few problems before that, you know a little bit of trouble maintaining "attention". nothing like it is now. the only way he can finish is with self manipulation. but now hes so subconscious that he doesn't even want to try. he doesn't want to touch me or look at me. if I try then he did he gets mad and throws it in my face. grrr. remember you're not alone

Nov 4, 2012
2 likes
- Wifey70
  Mvcmvc- yes, he has some fairly serious anxiety issues. Some situations and times are worse for him than others. I think in some ways I have dealt with this as long as I have because I know of his issues and feel it would be cruel to withdraw my support so to speak. I know demanding some positive steps toward resolution isn't truly a betrayal, but I'd be lying if I said a part of me didn't feel like I got my own self into this.
  A good man IS hard to find...so the other thing that keeps me hanging on is my past experience with dating and knowing the real jackasses that are out there. The ones that would do far worse to me than selfishly immerse themselves in their own mental and or physical issues. He's a good dad, and while that may sound like far from enough, as a mom I can't UNDER value that. Its no longer just me I'm thinking of even though I do believe all the wisdom in "happy wife makes a happy mama". I know I'd be a better parent for not suffering this way. But I also know I'd be a worse one without him. It really is a no win situation. The only solution is doing something to fix it, so I'm left with having no choice but to push him until he either gets onboard or forces me to give up on him.i have told him exactly what you said; sooner or later, love dies when its not nourished. I can only reinforce that (yes, as a threat even) until all hope is gone or we find the right path.
  
  Nov 4, 2012
  1 like
bazzar

Relationships comprise of two people, each of whom carry their own responsibilities as individuals, plus their responsibilities to the other spouse, into the relationship.
YOU can only own YOUR responsibilities to your spouse and the relationship. You can't own his - even if you wanted to.
He has issues. They are HIS issues and any resolution of them must come from him. You can't do that for him. You can be supportive, but it is HE who must "do".
There is no mention in your story of him undertaking much "do-ing" about his issue. In which case he is in dereliction of his responsibilities to you, to the relationship and indeed to himself.
He is choosing "isolation" as his coping mechanism, and you are collateral damage to that choice of his. You too have been put into "isolation" by his choice.
Where this all goes, nobody knows, yet. But if the evidence of many many many stories here are anything to go by, the trajectory is all downward.
You might want to think about how you will manage your role, your choices, in such a scenario. Prepare for the worst in other words.
Tread your own path.

Nov 4, 2012
2 likes
tthetree

I recognise the inability to speak about this. I never spoke to anyone about what was going on in my marriage. It reached the point that I avoided conversations or media that dealt with promiscuous or uninhibited sex, even though in my youth I had behaved in this manner (my spouse had got me to the point of thinking "...that's what you do in college..."). Hence I agree with you, talking is good. I wish I had found this site earlier. I ploughed a lonely furrow. What surprises (alarms?) me is how similar the experiences and conclusions are on this board, to my own.

Nov 4, 2012
2 likes
Spicedpecan

You my dear aren't alone. I came across this website quite by accident-I was looking for a place to vent about my lazy husband. I haven't had any intimacy in over 20 years, but-BUT!! I just did some research over the past couple of weeks and found a lot of help out there for not just me and my frustrations, but also his. See, he wanted to have sex but was unable to get an erection. I thought it was because he thought I was repulsive or something else (could be worse) yes, he could like little boys or little girls HOW disgusting. Anyway, I asked how open minded he was "eh?" I'll try what ever you suggest he said. So, I went to YOUTUBE and typed in the search "Libido Enhancement". He has had a couple of morning erections that neither of us have seen in years. Tonight, I downloaded a purchased file from MistressSambasweb and he has listened to it for the first time on Erectile Dysfunction. It's a hypnosis file to clear any blocks from the brain to the penis with trigger words for recall. I'll know more of how it works in a week or so. Don't give up on your man. I nearly did. He's hurting inside too, maybe he's just not showing it the way you or I did. They have "Arousal" hypnosis files as well out there in just waves of music-He'll never know what hit him. Hehe. The guys out there need to remember, just because they can't get "it" up, doesn't mean that their arms, lips and heart are severed from the brain too.

Nov 4, 2012
2 likes
Eyessogreen313

You story sounds like mine. I to am in a sexless marriage. I am 49 husband is 47. We have been married 19 years. One child. Sex used to be great. Now it never happens. He is too tired, there is no deep kissing, no carassing, no passion. If I try to initiate sex, he gets angry and defensive. I have asked him repeatedly if there is someone else. There isn't for him. But I am looking outside the marriage. I need someone to kiss me and hold me and to feel appreicated once in awhile. I feel very guilty for this, and I love my husband. I feel trapped.

Nov 4, 2012
2 likes

Your Response