Flipping The Switch

I'm not sure, but I think the switch in my head labled "YOUR SM IS DEAD" has finally, finally been flipped. We separated in July, I filed the divorce papers a few weeks ago, but I couldn't pull the trigger on serving him. Despite the billion reasons why it's clearly over and can't be fixed, including all of his emotional and sexual issues, depression, his career in shambles, passive aggression, etc etc, I still had some emotional attachment that I couldn't shake. I still love him and care about him, despite everything.

Then, out of the blue, another man came into my life---exactly one week ago. We knew each other slightly as friends, but I had NO IDEA he had a major thing for me. He's much younger so it never even occurred to me he would be interested. We have spent the last 7 days together and he is INCREDIBLE. Emotionally available and just present and alive in a way I have never experienced before. Adorable, full of life, beyond sexy, beautiful, interesting, smart, funny. And the sex...holy crap, I didn't even know this was possible! Mind-blowing on every level. I have never felt or experienced anything like this connection before. I always hoped it existed but was starting to lose hope.

Who knows how long it will last, or where it will go---but it's like the universe had to clunk me over the head with a giant hammer to knock the last bit of nostalgia and hesitation out of me. THIS is what I want. Not the basically platonic friendship I had with my H, but a kind of unbridled passion and physical connection that is a completely different type of intimacy. Now I really know what I have been missing my whole life...and now I'm going to have to join the EP groups about being with a younger man, hahaha! This is a good problem to have. ;)

nyartgal nyartgal
36-40, F
11 Responses Nov 4, 2012

Very happy for you!!!!

Thank you!

Congratulations. For those of us living/lived in SM, the grass IS greener on the other side. You are a living proof of it. Bravo!

Thank you! I am in shock---I didn't even know what I was missing. Not just the mechanics of the sex, though those are fantastic. The **connection** we have. Passion.

A lot of us, to get by in life, simply turn our selves ...off......It just makes it easier. We exist in a very numb reality. And so when/if we do allow ourselves to feel again, we are amazed at the difference. And it hits us, at how hurt we really are, how much we really gave up, and we are stunned. And then, there is no going back.

Interestingly, that's exactly what's happening to my H right now. After 42 years of partial to complete numbness, he's finally actually FEELING his feelings. I hope there is no going back for him either...

I've been wondering about this next-step phase and if it didn't include going outside the marriage as a natural and healthy catalyst.

I've been having lots of dreams about an old boyfriend (I wrote recently about.)

It has something to do with the fact that my husband is the only man in my life (and there have been lots and lost of men) I've ever been faithful to and I prided myself somewhat on that.

Silly, foolish me.
Foolish, silly me.

That "lost" may have been a Freudian slip!

Ha! Def a Freudian slip! I used to dream about an ex all the time---the yearning for the excitement I felt around him, the animal attraction. I don't personally think going outside of the marriage is a great idea, it just seems to complicated and dangerous. My marriage was confusing enough, I didn't need a lover to make it even worse. But maybe it works for some people? Personally, I'd rather just be free to do what I want than sneak around.

Wooo! You go, girl!!


I am so happy for you!! Hugs all around.. This is great news. I have been reading your stories with deep interest . So glad a man came into your life.. You are young and sweet. Go live!!

Thank you! I really can't believe this is happening to me, but why not?? He is amazing and life is short. I'll worry about tomorrow when it arrives...

Rock his world, n...

Amazingly, I AM. And he has definitely rocked mine. ;)

Breathe...and move onward. Remember...one life to live... Now you know it can be filled with passion...if you so choose. Be well.

Thank you!

Lucky lucky girl! Enjoy that younger man!

Thank you! I feel lucky!

I reckon that switch is a multi staged thing.
It clicks over a notch toward "I'm over it" in little increments (sometimes big ones too). You'll likely find you actually have quite a few stages of the switch to go. (I've been out for 3 years now, and occassionally, I find the switch still has stages in it. It isn't debilitating, or even particularly uncomfortable now, but it is still there. Might be forever more. Who knows ??)

The pragmatic part of me urges caution about the new bloke - but that would be flying in the face of my own experience (which had Ms enna and I living together within 5 months of me leaving) - so I'll just note that 'they' only call them "Rebound Relationships" if they don't work out.

Tread your own path.

NYAG: I'm with Baz...and that being said...it's incredibly enlightening, isn't it? It's as if you've been in the dark and the lights click on. Or at least someone turns them up, little by little, until suddenly...you can see. Enjoy the moment, and let this be an experience to savor and help you add to your knowledge base.

I totally agree and I think this switch will take years to completely flip. I truly loved and adored my H and that doesn't just go away overnight or because I met anyone else.

Re: the guy---I have absolutely no idea where it will lead, how or when. He is also recently divorced (a year ago) and both our lives are completely in flux. In that way, it makes it easier because we went through very similar things with our spouses and marriages and are in very similar situations now. The major crazy part is that he is SO much younger than me. I've had plenty of experience in relationships with older men, up to 20 years older than me. But this is the first one with a younger man. It's probably impossible for it to work out in the long term, but I can't even think about that right now. Que sera sera...

I have six close friends from undergrad: Three of them ended up marrying men who were 10 years younger than they are. They each have been partnered for 15-20 years and truly are very happy. In one case there is a big power/income differential and you have to be comfortable with that (she is the high-powered attorney, while he stays home and cares for their son). They are actually the happiest couple of all IMO. The age difference def fades as you get older and can actually work out nicely...

Thanks, that is SO good to hear. He's 11 years younger---but seems vastly more mature and together than my H. It's almost shocking!

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