At KnifepointI feel like I am living a double life. Obviously I'm unhappy in my dysfunctional relationship with my refusing husband and if you read my previous stories you would know I've started making an Evacuation Plan, but when I went to meet with the lawyer last Friday I was full of trepidation. It seemed to me like my physical body was being urged at knifepoint by my alter ego who knew it was a necessary step in moving forward.
When I wanted to call and cancel, alter ego kept my hand from reaching for the phone. When I thought I would rather turn the car around and hop back in bed, alter ego kept the car from pulling a u-turn on the highway. When I wanted to walk the other direction, my alter ego put their hands on my shoulder and gently, yet firmly guided me onto the elevator.
Believe it or not, I actually arrived an hour early for my appointment! Again, not because I was eager to "see how things would shake out in my jurisdiction," but because alter ego wanted to ensure I didn't miss my consultation. It seemed as though I would be able to catch a glimpse of this cattle prodding alter ego, if I could turn around quickly enough.
It wasn't as scary and painful as I thought it was going to be. I certainly cried a lot less than I thought I would.
The lawyer was kind, compassionate, and informative. Even though I wasn't looking for validation, the lawyer said it was evident I did everything in my power to save the marriage. This doesn't erase the nagging feeling of guilt I have, but it was definately a worthwhile venture.
The strange thing is, later that night, my refusing husband suggested we get a babysitter and have a date night next week. Hmmmmm?! Before you get too excited, his idea of a date is going to a movie.
I think he senses a change in me or my demeanor, and is scrambling to save face.