At Knifepoint

I feel like I am living a double life. Obviously I'm unhappy in my dysfunctional relationship with my refusing husband and if you read my previous stories you would know I've started making an Evacuation Plan, but when I went to meet with the lawyer last Friday I was full of trepidation. It seemed to me like my physical body was being urged at knifepoint by my alter ego who knew it was a necessary step in moving forward.
When I wanted to call and cancel, alter ego kept my hand from reaching for the phone. When I thought I would rather turn the car around and hop back in bed, alter ego kept the car from pulling a u-turn on the highway. When I wanted to walk the other direction, my alter ego put their hands on my shoulder and gently, yet firmly guided me onto the elevator.
Believe it or not, I actually arrived an hour early for my appointment! Again, not because I was eager to "see how things would shake out in my jurisdiction," but because alter ego wanted to ensure I didn't miss my consultation. It seemed as though I would be able to catch a glimpse of this cattle prodding alter ego, if I could turn around quickly enough.
It wasn't as scary and painful as I thought it was going to be. I certainly cried a lot less than I thought I would.
The lawyer was kind, compassionate, and informative. Even though I wasn't looking for validation, the lawyer said it was evident I did everything in my power to save the marriage. This doesn't erase the nagging feeling of guilt I have, but it was definately a worthwhile venture.
The strange thing is, later that night, my refusing husband suggested we get a babysitter and have a date night next week. Hmmmmm?! Before you get too excited, his idea of a date is going to a movie.
I think he senses a change in me or my demeanor, and is scrambling to save face.
Unjusted Unjusted
41-45, F
6 Responses Nov 5, 2012

Good luck...

It is hard to take the step, leaving behind your guilt and inordinate sense of responsibility. It may seem like you have a duo personality, but as you move forward you will integrate more and more. Your empowerment will bring the disparate aspects of your psyche together into a unified, solid force. While you will still have pangs of guilt, regret, etc., your resolve will be clear and strong.

You are there. You are on the precipice of a new life, and there is nothing stopping you. Nothing is as hard as what you've already experienced. All you have to do is take one step and then another. Keep breathing and remember you're worth it.

I just reread this. Thanks for the encouragement. I will keep moving forward.

This sense thing they have is dangerous.

don't take your bad feelings too seriously. Divorce hurts period. Even if you divorce under the best conditions, its still gonna hurt.

Breathe and keep walking. You can do this. You are walking the gauntlet now.


That alter ego is likely your authentic self, emerging from the mist. Best friend you will ever have.

You are likely correct that you have been giving off a different vibe to your spouse. I'd keep playing my cards very carefully here, lest you inadvertantly give him a heads up. Do your best to look miserable, and indecisive whilst you covertly work on, and knock into shape, that exit strategy. Don't forget to plug into that support network you set up either. This WILL get bumpy, but nothing you and Ms Alter Ego can't handle.

BIG hurdle you just cleared. BIG one.

So pleased for you.

Tread your own path.

Thanks Baz, It was your voice who first responded to me, and I'm sure you hear your advice echoed in my stories :)