Shouting At Traffic (venting).Forgive me, but I need to vent. I've had a bad few hours and am stewing. I had my daughter staying this weekend, she's four and a half and I adore her. I was, and still am, distraught that she is caught up in all this. It's one of the reasons I'm so angry at my ex-, she did nothing to save our marriage, and put the protection of her own fragile self-image and ego before the welfare of our daughter. This morning I'm getting my daughter dressed and packed to go back to her mother (we live 15 minutes apart, I see my daugher every evening during the week, to spend a bit of time with her and put her to bed, and every other weekend she stays with me) and she's telling me how sad she is that she doesn't see me as often as she used to, sad that I don't live with her and mummy any more and that she misses me. She brings this up fairly often, and it's heartbreaking stuff at the best of times, but this morning was worse for me.
I said "I'm done" just over a year ago (27 Oct 2011 to be pecise) and moved out at the end of May this year.
My W would fight tooth and nail not to discuss the subject of our miserable sex life (it was a slow and steady descent, not one of those 'it was fine before we had a kid' situations). To raise the issue required a pitched battle, shouting, tears, days of serious emotional turmoil. She simply would not confront it. It wasn't even up for discussion. I asked for a divorce, she begged me to stay, that she would seek counseling or seek therapy, that she knew something was wrong with her (for the first few years she had me thinking that perhaps it was me). Of course nothing happened, she would't go and it wasn't up for discussion. And I was desperate not to leave my kid (In truth I first asked for a divorce ten years back and was put off in a similar matter, and life then got very complex, I stayed 'bottled up' for years). So a year later I ask for a divorce again, this wasn't easy for me, my daughter means the world to me, but this wasn't a happy marriage or a happy home (superficially though, we put on a great act). Again the same begging and promises from my W. Again nothing comes of it. So another year goes by and that's when I say "I'm done". Of course there's the same begging and promises routine. But I'm done.
My W and I were living together for 7 months after this and even went on winter vacation as a family. She was constant in her requests to try one more time and repair our marriage, and she did *finally* go and see an analyst. The first analyst she consulted was a bit limited and wasn't able to make much headway (although she did recommend my W read 'Hold Me Tight' which I found to be a pretty close to the mark read). She suggested my W seek another analyst. She did, she found one who deals with more trauma-related stress (my W had, it seems, experienced a few difficult to process events). She's had a few hours of EMDR therapy and she said it helped a lot. A couple of months ago she put her profile up on a few online dating sites. She admitted that she'd like to get laid and that she wants to practice being intimate. So this weekend she went on a date. We spoke on the phone Sunday night. She finds this guy attractive (earlier dates haven't been), which she sets as a minimum requirement (reasonable enough I guess). She seems hopeful, but she's going to see how it pans out.
So there you go. All it took was the courage to finally go and seek help, about 10 or so hours of therapy, and now she's ready to roll. Shame about the damage she's caused to her husband and duaghter's lives. But, ahh well, that's life I guess.
Just think of this as articulate screaming.