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New Story - New Life - New Hope

It has been 5 months since I moved out of my sexless marriage and on with my life. There has been some difficulty. Although my daughter is an adult now and living on her own in another town, she is still having some difficulty adjusting. She is feeling divided loyalty, which is understandable. She also resents that fact that her mother found comfort and companionship with another man so soon. I have been labeled an adulteress by my ex’s family however, I was never good enough for them so that is their problem. I do not have to see them or interact with them. What she fails to understand is that I was very much alone for many years before I found the courage to pick myself up learn to live and love again. Many of you who live in this sexless marriage prison are sacrificing yourselves. Don’t. You deserve to be happy and your spouse cannot truly be happy either unless they choose to be blind to your pain. That means they are being selfish and you may be enabling that behaviour by trying to stay true your vows.
I have had some difficulties but nothing I couldn’t handle thanks to the overwhelming support I received from the most wonderful man I have ever met, my siblings and their families, friends, co-workers and old neighbours from where I grew up. I was honestly surprised and oddly humbled by the number of supporters I have found.
There are still financial and legal matters that need to be settled. I decided that I would have minimal contact with my ex and other than a couple of brief emails I have directed all communications through my solicitor. After all that is what I pay for. Thanks to my parents. Even though they have passed on, they left me enough resources that when added to my modest earnings makes enough to see me through until a settlement can be negotiated.
Since there is no custody issue and also no debt I thought settlement should be fairly simple – just a division of assets. But even this takes time so I strongly advise anyone formulating an exit strategy to give careful consideration to all financial matters. Know your rights and obligations and if you have not done so –take immediate control of spending and any debt. I am more fortunate than most but I allowed for a minimum of one year to settle finances.
My Ex….. Supposedly he has been devastated. My daughter told me and I quote, “You really *****-slapped him. He is a different person now. “ My response to that is that after 28 years married, 25 of which were sexless – living in separate bedrooms, that is not my concern now. I gave it a better than honest try and hung in there longer than most would have. I have no regrets.
Moving on now with hope for the future, I found a love who shows more affection with a touch of his hand than I have felt in years and I am blessed. I have a partner, a companion and a friend who wants to share the rest of his life with me and I want to be with him. I am happy, very happy. Simple little things like grocery shopping and laundry are fun when you are with someone you love and who loves you

cairinkimberley cairinkimberley 51-55, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2012

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Kim,
Good to see your post. I have been fortunate enough to have found someone else as well and it has made all the difference in my life. The divorce is dragging on but like you, I don't fell I owe anyone anything. I gave my marriage my best shot and realize now I should have met much earlier but then I never would have met Stacy!

Who would have thought a year ago that both our lives would have taken such a dramatic turn for the better. We both paid our dues with interest. Carry on and give my love to Stacy.

You did right. You did the right thing for you and you did the right thing for HIM. If he wants a sexless marriage then he doesn't need a wife, correct?
Ok, so he has companionship in a marriage. Does that mean you must give up something so central to a person's life (ie sex)...no. He has the *responsibility* to give you affection on your own terms (and if he able). If he cannot, then you have gave it your best, but ultimately you were forced to make the only decision that is logical, sane, AND caring. He did none of those things.
Good for you for doing the right thing.

thank you

I can relate to some parts of your story. You have inspired me all the more as I muster enough courage to face the day when its time for me to go down this path too. Congratulations on your new life, cairin. You deserve all the happiness that you have missed you all these years. :)

You seem to place much on sex but marriage is about more than that. I hope your right about the new lover but my gut tells me A your getting $ from a settlement B I feel you did know him prior.
C I get the feeling you have been jumped on by an opportunist.
Its all too pat for me.

He knows your unhappy and you have just left a long married.

I think your daughter more awake than you are.

I dont see this working out. When you get your settlement put it away in yours and your daughters name for five years at least.
Lets see how long this new guy stays around then.

You can buy sex if you want - but not love

I appreciate your concern but you really can't know until you have been here. I did everything the way a person is suppossed to in my marriage - seven years dating - long engagement - spent holidays with family - premarital classes with the church. I was miserable and hopeless for years. This time I am doing everything " The Wrong Way" and I have never been happier. Go Figure - I know it doesn't make sense but I am 52 years old and I don't have another lifetime to waste. My current partner came into my life and offered me stability when I was more then likely headed for the bar scene and picking up any fellow who wanted someone for a night just so I didn't have to be alone. By the way- I was introduced to my partner in March, after I had my lawyer change my will and power of attorney, gave them a retainer and started packing. If it wasn't for my partner - I would be buying sex - he is giving me love. He has a backstory where he was treated poorly as well. I have met his grown children who are well established - his mother - who is the heart of the community where he grew up. Don't be concerned. Good things can happen to people who have been badly hurt.

Marryanne, you obviously know nothing about Sexless Marriage and yet you feel justified in making a judgement on someone whose circumstances you do not know. You may believe what you say to be true, but you have no right to preach to others when you have no understanding of what has gone on.

A sexless marriage IS a loveless marriage. Those that can't understand that should never get married in the first place. If both partners agree to a sexless arrangement, then kudos to them.
A sexless marriage is the SAME as infidelity.
A sexless marriage is the SAME as abuse.
A sexless marriage is the SAME as alienation.
A sexless marriage is the SAME as slavery.
She has decided to give herself the opportunity to find someone who loves her on her terms. Who does not make her feel bad because she wants intimacy. Someone who pulls her closer, rather than turning her away. Someone who wants her around for being everything she is, including being a woman.
You obviously have no notion of what a sexless marriage can do to a person's self-worth.

THANK YOU for your understanding and compassion .

DH, LIKE +++++++++++++++++

Well said Enna!

3 More Responses

So happy for you. I pray your relationship with your daughter can be fully mended in time. No one other than those who live like us can understand.

You weren't born to please anyone but urself. So thumbs up. Do whatever makes u happy. And your child should be old enough to understand this. Best wishes. Stay happy!

God is love. True happiness comes from Him.

http://www.xenos.org/classes/papers/cf_love.htm

This is a wonderful story! Congratulations on having the courage to take whatever action was necessary to get to living a higher quality of life!

Looking for a women to be my dream girl and someone I can make love to and tell her I love her every night. Is their any one out their wants to be my women. Waiting for u

sorry son - this is not a dating site - just a place for people who have the same problems to work them out together.

LOL, why do so many try to date on here?

You are incorrigible..... and sweet. Be blessed!

Congratulations, cairin...

That is great and I am glad that you are happy and had the courage to say enough is enough. I tried to leave a couple of months ago but fell at the first hurdle because of all the emotional blackmail that I got from DH. I have been having an affair with an old lover and we want to be together. Like you I have been 30 years in a predominantly sexless marriage...and like you said DH just bobs along blind to my unhappiness. At the moment I have NC with my lover which is purgatory in itself. I am hoping once Xmas is over etc DH and I can talk and part as amicably as possible. As I don't want to spend the last 20 years of my life in this sexless unhappy marriage. Good luck

I'm glad you're happy for now. Somehow you must find "joy' in your relationship for it to sustain the long haul. Happiness is temporary & fleeting. Best of luck to you in your new life!

Great news, and thanks for the update.

...You know...I suppose any real vampires, if they existed, would become different without someone to drain the blood from...

Never thought of it that way - He was never a monster - or a vampire - just a little boy and I grew up . Thanks for your comment

Quite incredible that out in the 'normal' world, ordinary everyday things encompass activities that were not part of the activities in the dysfunctional marriage. Things like laughing, having a root whenever either of you feel like it, all perfectly ordinary in a "normal" environment.

Yet so amazingly special.

Tread your own path.

Can't resist the temptation to add, that the life law of choice / consequence holds true yet again.
Your spouses choices resulted in his outcome, which he alone owns.
Same for you.

thank you - I always value your input.

I wish I couuld rate up your story more. You are one of the rare few who has dared to walk thhe gauntlet in order to reclaim your one life to live. May yours be fillled with love, passion and intimacy. Be well.

I got to the point where the pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving.
Simple as that.

Hi Cairinkimberley,
I don't know you, but am so proud of you! People don't know what goes on behind closed doors and therefore when you ended this marriage, your daughter was devastated because you did keep the bad from her. But she will eventually see the truth. You have done the right thing. I am so sorry it took so long for you to be able to make that step. I think about it every day of my life. You did the right thing and I applaud you for that. Good luck in your new relationship and I know it does feel wonderful to have someone care about you.

Blessings galore for respecting yourself and being courageous.

Up!

I am so happy for you, that you finally get a chance to experience the love and affection you've been missing for so long.

Cairin, this is SUCH good news! I'm sorry your daughter is having some difficulty accepting it but I have no doubt time and maturity will enable her to truly understand what you went through.

Your Ex is like so many - blissfully happy to IGNORE all the signs (even the ones like an oncoming freight train!) until he is "run over" (or ***** slapped) . . . Only THEN do these exes realise that they really DID have a choice - and they made the wrong one!!

Well, BAD LUCK! Your's had twenty five YEARS to make a different choice - that is longer than a life sentence (here in Australia)!

I am thrilled that your new relationsdhip is so positive and working so well for you. Wishing you a world of happiness now and in the future. {{{hugs}}}

thank you for all your support. The people here are wise and wonderful. You have all helped me to be what I want to be. I own my choices and I accept the consequences and rewards. That is freedom.

This story should read as Essential for others in a similiar predicament. You are doing all the right things and i am happy for you.

Why is it that only at the very end do most Refusers realise that they have fuc...ked up. You did bi...tch slap him alright. Mainly becuase he never saw it coming. Refusers just think that the Refused and aggreived spouse will continue to keep eating the sh..it they constantly serve up. Well done sister Caringkimberley. Rated Up!

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Like +++++++++++